What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 24
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Atlanta
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Financial Analyst
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Spiritual, not affiliated with any organized religion
How religious are you? Very
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 15
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
10 Years and 850 Miles
How long ago did this hookup happen? 2 months
What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status
How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For more than 3 years
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He is 6’2 with the body and hairline of a 38-year old man. He is, in actuality, the same age as me, and in fact was born a mere 8 days after I was. He hasn’t been genetically blessed in regards to aging. I know this because we went to high school together, and I’ve seen the progression play out firsthand. He knows this too, and it’s a common joke he makes as a stand-up comedian. I just so happen to have the opposite problem, with most strangers mistaking me for a high school student. So I’m sure we look like an extremely odd pair to others on the rare occasion when we are out in public together. Despite his growing hair loss and “dad bod,” he has a laidback and effortless sense of style, sporting signature thick-framed tortoise glasses from Warby Parker and well fitting Levi’s. I like him. I like his air. As I mentioned, he’s a comedian, and I like that because it feels like the pressure of me having to entertain is taken off since 90% of the time when we’re together he just cracks jokes. It’s fun for me. I’m not totally sure how he feels about it.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? He now lives in New York and I live in Atlanta. I was in town on vacation with friends and hit him up. Our initial texting conversation went something like this: “Yo. I’m in New York. What’s up?” To which he responded “Cool. I’m at my buddy’s but I’ll hit you up while you’re in town.” 2 nights later, he did around 11 PM. We met for drinks at a bar in Williamsburg. He bought the first 3 rounds and I bought the last. We started getting cozy toward the end of the night, debated stopping by his friends to get some coke, but then decided against it and to just head back to his place instead.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? At this point in time, we have hooked up on and off over the past year and a half, as well as carried on a pretty intense sexting relationship since he moved to New York a few months prior. So we’ve engaged in most of your typical sex acts. This night specifically involved a lot of him going down on me, me sitting on his face, and him having sex with me from behind. He loves to dirty talk and starts to engage in some. When he tells me to talk dirty to him, I hit him with a firm “No.” Dirty talking takes me out of the experience and makes me think too much. He likes to play rough, which I quite enjoy as well; he nibbled on my breasts and spanked my ass and there were bruises on those parts of my body for the next week and a half. He came inside me during doggy style. I really wanted to try anal with him since we had been talking about it for awhile and I had never done it before, but he had trouble getting it up a second time, after which we decided to call it a night and go to sleep.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat
Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We continue to chat. He is coming to Atlanta for shows at the end of the month, so we will likely see each other then. The morning after I discovered I had forgotten my phone in the Uber we took to his place the previous night, which sent us on a 3-hour journey up through Brooklyn and into Astoria to a bodega where the driver had left it for me to retrieve. He kindly escorted me and helped navigate the NYC subway system. During the daytime, we definitely felt more like friends and less like lovers.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have, Power / Dominance, Submission / Relinquishing power, It was easy / convenient
How intoxicated were you? A little tipsy/high
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My friends. They weren’t surprised; I’ve kept them pretty tuned into our situation so everyone figured there would be a good chance that we’d hook up while I was in town.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The power dynamics with him are always a fun thing to explore. He’s really into shifting power balances, so it can be pretty empowering if you’re in the mood to own it.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Not cumming. I wish I had instructed him and told him I needed more pressure while he was going down on me. Also not being able to go for a second round after he came.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I wouldn’t say this particular instance did, more so the culmination of all my experiences with him. I think our situation is pretty much the epitome of the “fuck buddy” relationship. It was a lot harder for me to be okay with the casualness of it all and his lack of desire to progress the relationship further when we still lived in the same place. However, now with living over 800 miles away from each other, it’s a lot easier to embrace the casual nature of our relationship. Sometimes I get annoyed when I feel like he’s put me in a box that I can’t break out of. I can usually look past it when we are together because then it really is good vibes only.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I would like casual sex to not be viewed as the be-all-end-all of a potential relationship with a person. I hate that bullshit ideology that if a woman “gives it up” too quickly, she’s signed the death wish of any hopes of a more committed relationship. I think casual sex can be the birthplace of something real, raw, vulnerable, and beautiful, even if it doesn’t end in a long-term monogamous relationship. I guess I wish people approached casual sex with a more open mind, not in the sense of being open to engaging in it but being open to engaging in something more if it’s right.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I’m all for bringing this subject to light on a more honest and real level, and I believe this project is trying to do just that. So, I give you kudos.
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