What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 34
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? New York. US
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Teacher
What’s your current relationship status? Dating casually
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 9
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
A Return to Sex…
How long ago did this hookup happen? 5 months ago
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Fuck-buddies / Booty call
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I met P at my local bar a few weeks before while I was out for drinks with my best friend. He was friendly and flirty, and I was drunk and chatty. He had done some contract work for my best friend’s company so we all had something to chat about. I got a bit drunker. Eventually, my friend had to leave because she had work the next day. P and I had another drink. He was great about establishing casual intimacy by touching my arm and leaning in… Eventually, we went back to my apartment and made out that night. Eventually we exchanged numbers.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Maybe a week or two after the night we met, P texted me to say hi. I had been watching Netflix and drinking wine. He proposed getting a drink at the same bar as last time. I had mixed feelings about it. Since that night, I’d figured out how old he was (25+ years older than me! Yikes!). His texts to me were also full of typos and text speak, which sort of turned me off. I was bored though. I figured I might as well go out and see what happened. Like me, he was a little drunk when we met up. We had one drink and then he asked if I wanted to go back to my place. I figured I might as well.
As broader biographical context for this night, I was in the process of beginning to reenter the dating world. I had a bad breakup a few years ago that left me pretty heartbroken, and my dating since then had been pretty spotty. I hadn’t had sex in about 4 years at this point. I’d been on some dates, but I hadn’t liked any of the people enough to have sex with them. Increasingly, though, I’d found myself making out with people at bars when I was drunk. It seemed like I was sort of ready for something more. Enter P, I guess…
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We ended up back at my apartment, making out on my sofa. P was very sweet. Again, he was good about initiating casual touches and leaning into me. I can be fairly physically awkward about that so his level of physical comfort with himself and me was really nice. Eventually, I think he asked if I wanted to go to bed. I was a little bit drunk at this point so my memory of some of the details is foggy. I remember he had a little plastic bag of condoms (and, perhaps, as my best friend later joked, possibly viagra). He started by playing with my clit. I was already reasonably horny so this was nice. Despite not knowing him very well, it all felt very familiar. He was sweet, stroking my arms and legs. He was getting ready to perform oral sex, but I didn’t let him. That felt too intimate. I didn’t offer to perform oral sex on him, because that also felt too intimate. He eventually came, and we went to sleep. The next morning, he started playing with my clit again, which felt nice. We had sex once more and then he left.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little
Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Afterwards, I sort of couldn’t believe I had done that. I definitely cleaned my sheets… I didn’t feel bad about it, but I tried to assess why I had done it and what it meant for me. I took it to be a sign that I was craving more intimacy in my life. It was sort of like an opening the dam moment. I didn’t want anything serious with P, but I wanted something with someone else. Looking forward, P seemed like he might be a viable fuck buddy, which was exciting. He and I tried to coordinate hook ups a few times over the next month or two, and he liked a lot of my photos on Instagram; however, the timing never worked out. We still follow each other on Instagram; however, I have no intention of seeing him sexually again. He did sort of open up my dating world again though. After him, I ended up casually dating a cute guy for a while. When that fizzled out, I went on a few dates. Now, I’m currently dating someone who I like a lot in a monogamous context.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have, Intoxication, Boredom, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it
How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My best friends. They were happy that I was finally having sex again.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? For me, the best thing was that it kind of got me back on my feet and dating. There were things I liked about the intimacy of the experience that helped me remember what was good about dating…
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? There was nothing really bad about it… I suppose I would have liked it if I orgasmed, but it’s hard for me to do that with partners under even the most intimate and romantic of circumstances.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? It was a good experience; however, it sort of reaffirmed my sense that casual sex isn’t for me. I get attached to people and I value a more sustained, emotionally grounded intimacy. Elements of this hookup approximated those features, but didn’t truly recreate them.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I’m not sure I have any grand thoughts about casual sex. I wish I liked it more. I think it can be lovely and productive.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s a really interesting study!
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