What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 43
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Engineer
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 8
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 1
Finally gave in
How long ago did this hookup happen? ~10 years
What was your relationship status at the time? Dating casually
How would you best classify this hookup? Friends with benefits would be the closest of the canned answers, but that implies something more mutually beneficial than this was
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For 1 to 3 years
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? She was reasonably good looking, on the heavy side and very self conscious about that. I knew her from a social group I was involved in and she was very clearly interested in me from our first meeting. She made her interest very clear through her actions, and also through her actions made it very clear that she wanted me to make the first move. If she had asked me out, I could have told her no. If she had brought the subject up, I could have told her that I wasn’t interested. I didn’t know how to bring up the subject in order to tell her I’m not interested without being a dick about it, so the only way I could figure out to show my lack of interest was to not make the first move and to avoid her when I could. After a year of this, she seemed to finally get the message and we actually became friends. Eventually I came to realize that she had just decided to switch to the slow play.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Once it became clear to me that she was still pursuing more than friendship from me, I knew I had to have a talk with her. I tried to prepare her for what was coming with stereotypical dire language. “We need to talk.” “We see some things differently and we need to clear the air.” That sort of thing. She didn’t get the message. We met for dinner, but between the noise in the restaurant and some ill-timed interruptions, we still hadn’t talked about what we needed to, so we went back to her apartment. When we got there, she started putting on music and lighting candles and I realized she hadn’t gotten my hints and had other ideas about why I was there. I started the talk and after a few seconds it hit her what was happening. She was surprised and shocked. She cried. She told me she had been certain that things were going to happen between us that night and begged me to have sex with her anyway. I argued with her at first, but I didn’t like seeing her hurt. I never wanted that, which I guess is how things got to this point in the first place. Eventually I broke down and agreed to a pity fuck.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? She practically tore my clothes off while we were still in the living room, then dragged me into the bedroom leaving a trail of her clothes behind. She bit me hard on the nipple then said “I know I don’t have to be gentle with you.” She was aggressive and intense, I found myself wishing that I was into her. Soon enough it came down to it and she gave me a condom. I put it on, but just at the moment of entry I lost my erection. This was distressing for both of us as we both wondered what was wrong with us for that to happen. Looking back, I see that it’s just because I didn’t want it to happen. We tried again several times, each time with the same result. Eventually we were too exhausted to keep trying and went to sleep.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all
Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close
Did your partner have an orgasm? No
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? She offered to make me breakfast in the morning, but I declined and went home. We talked more later and I made it clear that I didn’t have feelings for her. She made it clear that she still had feelings for me. Believing that she could guilt me into sex, she tried to create situations for that to happen, but I never put myself in a close enough situation with her again where it would be possible. The last time I saw her (about three years after this) she offered to pay me to have sex with her, but I didn’t think that even deserved a response.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, Discussed STI testing history, No penetrative sex happened
What were your motives for this hookup? Didn’t want to disappoint my partner, I didn’t want it but was unable to stop it
How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Not at all
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? My consent was clear, but not enthusiastic
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I’ve told several people about this. Some felt bad for me. Some blamed me. Most had some combination of those reactions.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very
Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat
Why do you regret this hookup? Because it never should have gotten to this point. I should have been more clear with her earlier, even if I didn’t really know how. I should have seen the signs that she was still looking for something more from me. I shouldn’t have given in that night.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I can’t identify a best thing.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I lost some friends over this. She and I had a lot of friends in common, some of whom only heard my version of events, some only heard hers, some heard both. Some of those people blamed me for hurting her and couldn’t forgive me.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? No
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? My feelings about casual sex are very positive, but it’s never really played a role in my life. I’m very awkward socially, bad at reading people, and bad at expressing certain kinds of feelings. Because of that I have to trust someone a lot to be able to open up about my desires. That means that the sex I have is rarely casual. I’ve spent my adult life trying to fix that.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think this is fascinating, and I’d love to see some analysis of the trends and the lessons from the 1500+ stories that are here.
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