What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 31
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? United Staes
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Self-Employed
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? Little over 20
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? None before
First Time Meeting Only for Sex
How long ago did this hookup happen? Last weekend
What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status
How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a week
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I met him on Tinder. He started our conversation mid-week by remarking that we lived only a couple miles away from each other. In his pics he looked kind of a funny and sarcastic dude wearing Ray-Bans reminiscent of ones I knew back in film school. When I met him in person though, I realized those pics were not recent, and he had aged and gained a lot of weight since they were taken. However I wanted to spend time with the entertaining person I had texted with, as his personality had also attracted me initially.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We joked and talked on the Tinder platform for several nights and established we were both really only looking for a “fling”. When I found out he lived a couple train stops away from me, I said (jokingly), “Wanna meet up in 45 minutes?” (jokingly because I knew he was out of town for the night). He began asking me questions about whether I had “backups” lined up, and whether I asked for hookups often (answer: no, never before). Later he made a joke that really made me angry about “who was my lucky guy tonight?” And I chewed him out and made him aware of how disrespectful and slut-shamey that was. I nearly unmatched him but he seemed to understand my POV and sincerely apologized and said he respected 3rd wave feminism. Eventually he was back in town and offered me some consensual, mutually pleasurable, respectful, fun sex. I was busy and therefore reluctant, but had been curious about doing a Tinder NSA hookup and really wanted sex, so I agreed.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We met at a bar and had 2 glasses of wine together, chatted, the usual get-to-know you talk about work and the city. I have a general rule of not letting men over to my apartment (i.e. my personal space) until I’ve gotten to know and trust them, after having a psychologically intrusive experience with a guy in the past. But in this case we were so close to my place it was inconvenient to go anywhere else. I agreed because at this point I was invested in the idea of hooking up. He had seemed kind of stiff and nervous the whole night, and I felt the awkwardness never really went away. There is no way I can dive straight into sex with a guy I don’t really know so we watched 2 music videos on my bed and talked about a book I was reading. Then I tossed the book away and climbed on top and started kissing him. He removed my shirt and said, “Wow your boobs look really great in that bra,” and I said thanks. We had sex with a condom, me on top first, then he went around from behind. The sensation felt a little raw for me, but I figured it was the condom and not having had sex for a while. That lasted briefly, then he said, “Oh no, looks like you’re bleeding.” I said, “God I’m real sorry. My ‘week’ just ended, so that might be why,” He ran to the bathroom to wash up and when he came back in my room started putting his clothes on really quickly while complimenting my air conditioner. I apologized again and he said, “Don’t worry, you shouldn’t feel bad about it.” He went to the stairs and said, “It was nice meeting you, have a good night.” Then he left.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little
Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close
Did your partner have an orgasm? No
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I felt drunk and terrible after, and it didn’t help that my stomach was empty. The room was spinning a little and all I could bring myself to do was google all the causes for bleeding during sex. I felt like there were bad vibes in my room (not from him personally, but from the situation). It was also dark and the lighting felt terribly dirty, so I went to turn on my normal lights and curled up under my sheets. It was better that the bleeding situation happened at my place, but I really wished my intimate personal space didn’t feel so alien to me after that. I felt a stony, devil-may-care nonchalance and cynicism. Though he was friendly enough, we never build up a connection at all. I have no expectation to see him again. Unfortunately, when these kind of awkward and impersonal things happen, I tend to build up the encounter and the person as worse in my mind than they actually were.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Learning new things, experimenting, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, It was easy / convenient, Health reasons like the claim that sex makes you look younger
How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Nobody
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat
Why do you regret this hookup? The biggest reason I regret it was nobody’s fault, which was the bleeding. Also because I wasn’t as attracted to him in person as I was to the pictures. Because of the way he put his clothes on and left my apartment so rapidly after. And I don’t like the idea that my “number” of partners is going up even when the sex is dissatisfying or interrupted. I feel like it shouldn’t “count”, but it does. I recognize that he might regret it also since it didn’t really pan out. I think when he was asking me those intrusive questions over texting, it was a sign that maybe we weren’t really gonna click.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? His compliment about my breasts.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Since we had agreed before meeting to have casual sex, there was no lust built up for me in the actual act. It wasn’t done through my normal channels of attraction. My imagining of meeting with someone for sex was hotter than the reality, which felt unnatural and awkward in this event.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, very much. I have enjoyed casual sex before, but it was usually with someone I met in person so the desire was built up mutually, intensely, and gradually before the sex ever came up. Even when I have dated through the internet before, I think the hotness of sex came through the uncertainty of it, and the “will-we or won’t we” that runs through my mind while making out on the date. I realized that subtexts and plays of seduction are very important for me, both in seducing and being seduced. I plan not to agree to sex with anyone in the future until a great amount of physical chemistry has been established. I am beginning to realize I hate NSA sex and one night stands, and greatly prefer short-term dating or friends-with-benefits for casual sex. I need some element of banter and lightheartedness between people for the eventual sex to be good. In the future, getting to know someone is going to be crucial for me in deciding whether to have sex with them or not.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? It has been great for loosening up my mind and body, and relieving stress. When there’s a meeting of minds, casual sex can be amazing for me. When this guy made that crude joke about my sex life, I made it clear that I believe double standards can ruin sex for both genders. I truly believe feminism and respect makes for better, more open sexual experiences in society–it does for me at least. I’m glad I live in a time where casual sex is more widely accepted and we can simply enjoy it.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think it’s fantastic and important research.
You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!