by Jacrou

Gender: Female
Age: 45
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Current location: New Zealand
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: Company Director
Relationship status: Single
Religious affiliation: None
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 31
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 9

Friend In Need

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 year ago

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends with benefits

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My FWB partner in this case is a tall dark-haired guy who is always smiling and happy.
we have a complicated background.  I met him when I was living overseas about 20 years ago (when I was 25). He is a few years younger than me. We worked together in a pub and became really good friends.  At the time he was engaged to be married and I was single so we were just friends, but I found him to be a very open person and he was really easy to talk to so we ended up sharing all our deepest and darkest secrets and hopes and desires.  We also had tremendous fun together (with some other friends) having great adventures on our days off work.   

I left that job and moved away but we stayed in touch and I later heard he’d broken off his engagement. One weekend when I came back to visit the city where he was living, we had dinner together and he asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him.  I wasn’t really sure.  Whilst he was a really great friend, I didn’t know how well we would work together as a couple, we are quite similar, perhaps too similar. I didn’t really know why, but I just wasn’t sure that I felt that way about him, but thought that I should try, because he was someone I cared about a lot.  We started a relationship, but it didn’t work out.  Sex with him was really good though. Things were a bit uncomfortable between us for a while after I broke it off, but after some time went by we managed to reinstate our friendship.

Years and years went by and he had been in and out of several serious relationships, and I had got married and had a family.  We still saw each other from time to time and were still able to talk about most things.  But sometimes I wouldn’t see him for a year or so. 

My marriage lasted 15 years and in the latter stages it had become really awful. Our sex life was terrible, but with our kids and the stage of life we’d reached I was still putting in a lot of effort to work things out. It’s a long complicated story not needed for here, but by the time we eventually separated, I was utterly drained emotionally, and I felt a bit like the sexual side of myself was shut down. For quite some time I had believed that our marriage would not break up which meant I had resigned myself to having bad sex with the same person for the rest of my life.  By the time we separated, I had little to no sex drive at all and couldn’t see at all how I would ever have sex again.  I couldn’t face the thought of getting into another relationship and thought that at my age hook-ups were unlikely.  This was just because I was so worn out from the whole process and also because my focus was almost entirely on my kids and making sure that their life was going ok.  

I was fine with this for a year or so, and then things started to change. I had settled into my new life and felt much happier. The kids were good and I was starting to have more of a social life.  An old flame came out of the woodwork in an online capacity only but chats with him kind of got me fired up a bit.  I met another single mum who’d been single longer than me and who had a FWB thing going which was great for her and I suddenly woke up and thought: wow, I can have fun again! I can have fun like I used to and it can be on my terms.  I started to feel quite excited although I didn’t really have any clue how to get started on finding someone to have sex with.  I was also really nervous about hooking up with someone new after 15 years with the same person.  Because sex with my husband hadn’t been good, I had begun to doubt myself, to think I wasn’t any good at sex and of course I was now older and had had kids and was worried about what a stranger might think of my body.  So I was in this weird situation of thinking I really want to have casual sex, but being worried about it and not quite knowing how I would find the right person for it. 

Right around this time my dear old friend suggested we meet for a drink on one of my weekends without kids and I started thinking: what about him?  I had seen him since my marriage had ended but I never considered him that way, mainly because of our history.  I thought it would be too complicated.  But I started to wonder if he might be up for it, and if that would be OK if I spelt out that I was really not looking for a relationship right now.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? So I went to meet him for a drink one Saturday and I already had it in my mind that I might ask him what he thought about a FWB situation.  Just thinking about that made me feel quite nervous, so I had quite a few drinks.  He looked great, really well and healthy and well-dressed, he has a cool, slightly quirky style.  

We chatted away for hours because we’ve never had any trouble talking and laughed a lot.  We had some food and kept talking away, and finally it was getting so late that we kind of had to leave.  I’d had enough to drink to just come out with it, so I took his hands and just blurted out to him that I was wondering how he would feel about being a Friend with benefits.  I told him I was feeling horny and hadn’t had sex for over a year. I told him I didn’t want a relationship because I just didn’t have the time or emotional capacity for it, being so busy with my kids and having hardly any free time.  He laughed and said, I thought you’d never ask.  Of course. My place or yours?

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We decided to go to his place and went outside to wait for a taxi.  While we were waiting he kissed me and I had forgotten but he is a sensational kisser and as soon as that started I felt like a fire had been lit.  I wanted him so badly. 

We kissed and groped all the way home in the back of the taxi, to the point where we stopped and apologised to the taxi driver.  He said he understood, he was Italian, and that made us all laugh. 

At his house we started tearing clothes off as soon as we were in the front door and collapsed onto his couch just kissing and stroking each other. It felt so fantastic to be touched again, to be kissed and nibbled etc.  He suggested we go to his bedroom which we did.  He undressed me and I wanted to leave my camisole on because I was a bit self-conscious about my stomach, he said of course, but said he wouldn’t be bothered by that. Eventually I did take it off. 

He went down on me and he was always particularly good at this, amazing in fact and he did that for quite a while, I had an orgasm and then another one because he kept going.  I felt light headed.  I went down on him too and really enjoyed that, he’s a perfect size, big enough, but not so big that I can’t do a decent job.  He seemed to be enjoying that, moaning and expressing appreciation, but he stopped me before he came and pulled me up to him to ride him. 

When I lowered myself onto him and felt him fill me up, it was just heavenly.  Just what I had wanted and needed and now it was happening it felt like a dream. I rode him for a while, and was quite lost in that sensation, but then I got cramp in my leg, so stopped. 

I lay down and he rolled on top of me and entered me in missionary position but I put one leg up and over his shoulder.  We both came in that position and it felt great.  We lay there for a while, with his arm around me and chatted and laughed, then got up and smoked a joint together.  After a while he started rubbing my clit and fingering me and I got aroused again, and noticed he was hard again, so we went back to bed and fucked doggie style.  We both came again, I helped myself along there. 

Afterwards we cuddled and I thanked him and told him I felt wonderful.  He said he had really needed it too.  He gave me a spare toothbrush and some other toiletries I might need, then we both went to sleep in his bed. 

In the morning he drove me home and kissed me when I got out of the car.  We agreed that we would definitely do this again soon.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? I had an IUD so was protected against pregnancy.  No other precautions.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I hadn’t had sex for a long time and really wanted to.  He was someone I trusted and knew and felt comfortable with and who was willing.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? Yes.  Quite a bit of alcohol before.  Some marijuana during.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I felt really great, so happy to have found myself again sexually so to speak. The sex had been wonderful, multi-orgasmic for both of us.  It left me wanting more and feeling awakened. 

I hoped that he was truly OK with it and I hoped we’d be able to manage the situation without damaging our long friendship.  I hoped that we would be able to do it again.

The way I feel about him now has changed a wee bit. We did continue a FWB situation with occasional hook-ups over the next 6 months or so.  But in the end he called it off, he did sort of tell me why but it wasn’t very clear and  I didn’t entirely understand.  I think it was something to do with feeling uncomfortable with the nature of our relationship.  I think he had felt a bit hurt when I hardly saw him over the summer holiday period. I was really busy with my kids though.  He also invited me to attend something with him and I couldn’t go and I think he talked it through with some friends who told him I was using him and not appreciating him.  I also think he met someone and I’m not sure about this but he might now have a girlfriend. If so, that actually makes me really happy for him.  We haven’t met in person since this happened, but we’ve been chatting in the odd message and are going to have lunch soon so I think all is OK.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I texted my best friend literally directly afterwards.  She knew all about what was going on with me. She was very excited and happy for me. 

Later I told a couple of other close friends.  Mainly because people were always asking me if I had met anyone or was dating. I told them I don’t want a boyfriend but I do have a FWB.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Yes and yes

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? No.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Best thing was that it was a perfect way to start off this next phase of my sex life, with someone I know and care about and who knows me well.  A great reintroduction to sex after a long bad period.

The worst thing was feeling a bit guilty. Even though I had been upfront with him about how I wanted it to be, I knew I was being a bit over-optimistic to think it could be totally uncomplicated.  I took a risk with how he might feel for my own satisfaction and that was a bit selfish so I felt some guilt. At the same time, at least I was honest and upfront about that.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

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