by Monica

Gender: Female
Age: 41
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Location: South America
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
Occupation: Consultant
Religious affiliation: Catholic
How religious are you? Somewhat
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

regret-cyn-mcmurryThe Good ‘Ol Loyal Attractive Friend

How long ago did this hookup happen? 2 years

How would you best classify this hookup? Something else: a mix of an unexpected hookup after what in theory would have been only a meeting for chatting, that soon turned into a relationship where one of the involved got scared of having actual feelings and so tried to turn it all into a fuck-buddies situation.

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? We knew each other from our youth, as in from one of our first jobs and actually worked together and became relatively close friends (not too close but had a meaningful, honest friendship) for about 3 years before we lost track of each other after job switching. Back then and now we both looked pretty much the same, in 15 years he did not change at all. Tall, athletic, a face a bit childlike looking, sweet eyes, intelligent and articulate, with a great sense of humor, yet quite an introvert. I got to know him well in those years working together as we spent time alone part of the day and did not talk too much but had interesting exchanges. We cherished each other. I also did not change majorly in these 15 years, gladly the one single change was not getting weight but getting a bit more rounder in body areas that probably made me slightly more appealing to him than I already was. I am of average height, slender, also younger looking (as he was and is).

We both felt an intense attraction to each other but none dared to ever take a step in any direction, because of both being shy, being coworkers and then, at different and sometimes simultaneous timing/s, both being involved with other people. Not ever suggesting anything out loud from either side made me doubt and made him doubt if there ever was attraction. We both felt it, we both wondered how mutual it was and we both did not act on it in any way, making us both ignore or diminish the importance of the clues or signs of attraction, which lead to relating again as friends when re-encountering each other by chance about 8 years later. I secretly always felt a strong attraction to him, I recall not having seen him in years and yet dream with him, and I learned the same happened to him regarding me.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? It began as we met after about 8 years of not having seen each other and bump into each other when coincidentally we both were enduring separations. We both were excited to meet each other and I believe there was attraction when meeting again, especially as we had not changed and the little we both changed had made us more attractive, plus the lack of pressure of no longer being coworkers allowed us to express our feelings of happiness over meeting more open. There was no planning involved. And we talked about meeting to talk one day. As none of us had actually broken up yet, definitely, with our partners, we talked on the street (we lived closer) but did not even meet for a coffee. Some time went by texting each other regularly but sparingly, only to send hugs for anniversaries, holidays, or ask general questions, it all really was like a renewed friendship in the facts and words. Although deep inside we both felt some curiosity and desire to meet and talk more, get closer.

Time went by and we  both ended our relationships. Not that any contact between us had anything to do with either breakup process. We were both bored and depressed and after a while after our respective separations, one day he called me to put into practice the pending coffee for talking we had. We went somewhere close to both our homes, a nice place, and chatted along for hours. It felt great and neither of us wanted to end the chatting. He lived almost next door, so he invited me for a coffee. I suspect he fantasized about a sexual encounter but had not thought of acting on it. I was excited to see him and felt attracted to him but did not think he would dare to take things farther than, at most, a kiss. But the attraction was too strong and while in his house having coffee, he kissed me. All the attraction and contained desire of so many years were we secretly had found the other desirable exploded. We started kissing and there was nothing to think. We kept on kissing.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We had sex. It just happened all too naturally. The attraction was too strong and while neither of us had expected that if someone had asked us if that would happen the same day, some time earlier, at the time it felt totally natural, like finally doing what we secretly had held on (the desire) for years and years, and the fond memories we had of each other made it feel like we were romantic partners finally having a sexual encounter rather than a hookup, even though in terms of how it happened, it was a hookup. We had sex for a couple of hours in spite of work schedule reasons. But regardless of how long, it was intense and truly heartfelt. Truly intense. And somehow it felt truly familiar, truly comfortable to both. We knew each other far too well and it felt right.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? He knew of my upbringing and values as Catholic and therefore knew I was not promiscuous, had never been, and I also knew he was not one to sleep with any girl around, just any girl, and if ever, that he was highly educated and careful to not have engaged in risky behavior. We did not discuss the matter because we knew each other from younger years where actually he had candidly told me stories of his life and me of mine, when we both had boyfriends/girlfriends. He used protection and I was anyway on the pill and a barrier method *diaphragm*. Having been abused sexually when young, I always had and have the habit of going out protected (condoms in my purse, wearing a diaphragm, and taking the pill) if I go out with a man.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? True affection and true desire. I don’t think he wanted a one-night stand but affection when thinking of meeting me, initially. The passion just was too strong, the contained and repressed feelings of years too intense to be contained, in a moment where there were no reasons to feel bad about making love. My own reasons? True affection and desire for him.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? None, he drank one glass of beer,  I think, but was completely sober. I did not even drink any alcohol and was totally aware as well of my reality and actions.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? It just felt great, we both felt in heaven, with that rush of WHOA, it was fantastic, AND with someone I care for! We were both elated and the texting with that feeling lasted with the same intensity for both, when talking about what had happened and how great it had been, for about a week. I was still torn over considering some remote chance to go back to my ex and feeding my hopes for a future with him. I learned LATER about his having thoughts of exploring if I could be a partner for him, a serious thing, and not expecting such a strong and fast succession of events, nor experiencing such strong feelings. He felt at once elated and scared of his own feelings. He was into a “I do not dare to trust my heart to a woman”phase, torn between wanting to love and being loved and not want to commit and be hurt again.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? To nobody at first. I talked about it when things turned sour and the encounter that was more romantic and unexpected than an actual hookup started being treated as such *as a hookup only* by him. People who know about it now do not know who he is, only the story, and all understand and agree on what happened and why I regret it now.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Consensual. Really wanted by both.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? Yes, I do. And I think he does, too. Pretty sure from his own words.  What happened was that after the initial elation, it sank for the both of us (when NOT seeing each other and texting afterwards) that we were not two strangers but long time friends and that we could not ignore each other or act like two random people hooking  up or starting something. We had an intense story of a good friendship to honor. It scared me to harm the friendship, as far as him, it scared him to get involved so intensely so soon, when he hoped to go really slow in his next relationship. Traumas from his previous relationship made him chicken out and in spite of having feelings for me, and wanting something, he got distant by sheer fear. He admitted so. His fear of commitment STILL *2 years after!* has won over any attempt he has had to relate to a woman. He never recovered from whatever betrayal he suffered from his ex (never shared with me nor I asked – it was a matter that obviously had hurt him too much).

I regret it because it felt so wonderful that neither of us has been able to go on without somehow holding on to the memory of that hookup. Personally, the way he allowed his fear of commitment to make him treat me poorly, as opposed to say the truth, for me to get mad at him and get distant (old method of making the other go away to not feel like you were responsible for whatever happened or not), really made me feel betrayed, as I had always been loyal as a friend, honest, straightforward and had never asked for anything nor pressured him nor any of the things he later accused me of as excuses or passive aggressive attempts to make me get mad and justify his getting distant from me and not have to face his feelings. I know first-hand from a close person he regrets it because he can not forget that encounter nor me, and regrets the loss of a beautiful friendship we had. I know I regret it because I felt already bad about men, and his attitudes toward me when he chickened out felt like the ultimate betrayal from the person I least expected dishonesty.

I also regret it because it still as and is my best, most intense ever sexual experience, and sadly I KNOW I do not want nor should *I want but know I should not, it is not good and I won’t, I mean* be with him or trust his maturity *or lack of, should I say*  be with him in a relationship or have any other hookup with him, YET I can not help but miss him because any other previous sexual experience, and all posterior ones have felt like not as good as that one. I regret the hookup because it left me hooked on him, sexually speaking, no other man or sexual situation makes me feel what I felt nor I feel neither like the connection with anyone is felt as mutually intensely as we felt that night.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best is the worst. It was fantastic. I felt like never ever the strongest sexual + emotional instant connection with someone.  True passion, not that I had not felt it before, but nothing like that. A wonderful sexual / emotional experience, but that is the same reason why I hate having had it. Now I do not feel that passion with anyone else, and fear will never feel it again. Yes, it changed my way to feel about casual sex… I actually did not consider it casual sex, but now I see any sex without a lot of previous talking of expectations and fears as possible casual sex in terms of the outcome. I also started realizing how dangerous it is to feel that a hookup is not such and that one can truly trust someone, because I took care of myself and my health, but our intensity and passion could have easily made me engage into risky sexual behavior. I also regret and hate how it raised the bar so high as far as what I want or know I could have when having sex with a man. Now, no passion seems enough, it is like I need a connection that I have not felt anymore.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? I learned that something too good and that comes too naturally is not a synonym of something good for me or good, period. I also learned that, sadly, I am way more enslaved by my hormones, pheromones and that famous chemistry thing than I would want. I would want to be more cerebral and rational and crave less the intensity of the passion I experienced.

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