What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 25
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? North Carolina, USA
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (currently pursuing)
What’s your occupation? Student
What’s your current relationship status? Dating casually
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Aromantic
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 10
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 1
A New Kind Of Orgasm
How long ago did this hookup happen? Last weekend
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For 1 to 3 years
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? R is someone that I’d met casually through mutual friends about a year and a half ago. When I first met R, I was immediately struck by how attractive he was and how much he didn’t fit my usual type. I usually go for men who are a bit androgynous, usually not super tall, and pretty nerdy. R is 6’4″, with curly red hair and a full beard. He is clearly athletic and muscular, and fits what I think of as traditional western beauty standards. R has a phenomenal laugh, and is clearly very comfortable with himself. We happened to be in the same friend group, but we lived in different places, so I was happy just window shopping, as it were.
A couple of months ago, we were both at an event with a number of our mutual friends, and I noticed that he was very casually flirting with me. Our friend group was all staying at an air bnb together, and we all stayed up most of the night talking and snuggling. I noticed that R kept ending up next to me. I wasn’t unhappy about that at all, but I didn’t want to read to much into it, as we had both said we were dating someone at the time. It became apparent by the end of the weekend that there was a mutual attraction between the two of us, but we didn’t do anything about it or even talk about it. We did start talking online, and I asked R if the feeling was mutual. We didn’t have any plans to be in the same state for several months, but the feeling was mutual and we continued to talk most days.
It was immediately clear that we had amazing intellectual chemistry. We talked politics, philosophy, and science. We were drawn to the way we processed emotion and started talking about how we view sex, romance, relationships, and our goals. We spent those 2 months flirting and learning and getting to know each other, all without the stress (for me) of worrying that I was leading someone on, or that they would become emotionally invested in a relationship, as my aromance makes me very uncomfortable with that.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? In the course of our conversation, we realized that we would be at the same event in a week. I was really excited, and thought that we would probably end up hooking up. Both of us had recently become single, because both of our partners were looking for someone to marry and have kids with and neither of us were at a point where that was our goal. When I first saw R, it was clear that there was intense sexual tension. I was hugging all my other friends, but the air felt thick around him. I was hyper aware of where he was, all the time, and I frequently found him looking toward me. That afternoon, we all went swimming, and the tension kept building as we challenged each other to jump off higher and higher cliffs into the water, and would swim slightly too close so we’d brush against each other under the water.
When we got back to the air bnb and cleaned up, R and I decided to take a nap, or at least try. R was still really cold from the water, so we snuggled close to try and warm him up, eventually with me laying on top of him. We made eye contact, and then I couldn’t take the tension anymore and kissed him. The door to the room we were in was open, and the risk of getting seen made us both even more excited. We had to take frequent breaks so that we wouldn’t escalate it too much at what felt like an inopportune time, and finally I stopped us from continuing so that we didn’t miss dinner.
By that point, I knew that we would continue later that evening. R is a fun kisser, is playful and teasing, and is not hesitant about using his hands to play with my hair, face, or body. He was also incredibly good at taking direction, even in kissing. He would mimic the things I tried on him, playing around biting my lip or pulling away and making me lead by showing what I like. This attention to detail was something that made me expect him to be an excellent lover, and by the time we stopped for dinner, I was thoroughly anticipating some excellent sex later that night.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? That night, R and I started kissing immediately when we got to the room. He was patient, teasing off my shirt and bra, reveling in the shape, sight, responsiveness of my body. We had been playing dirty card games as a group before bed, and R and I had been snuggled together as we played, so I was very aroused, but R took his time. I had never been with someone with facial hair, and the contrasting sensation between his slightly abrasive facial hair and his warm, smooth mouth as he licked and nibbled my breasts was incredible. We talked about how we both like to have some lights on when we have sex, and R started to go down on me, describing how much he enjoyed my body. When he first started, I didn’t really like what he was doing, but just like in kissing, he was incredibly responsive to my sounds, movements, and directions, and quickly learned some of how I like to be touched. Because I am very athletic and I tend to be attracted to smaller, androgynous men, I am used to being able to move and having to restrain my legs when I orgasm, but R pinned my legs open, and my orgasm continued much longer than usual as he continued to lick and suck.
I wanted to go down on R as well, and he warned me that he doesn’t usually orgasm with new partners. I was ready for the challenge, and took my time. I wanted to tease him until he couldn’t wait to feel my mouth. When I finally started to use my mouth on him, he had significant precum, and he tasted salty and moved eagerly. He was very quiet, but I could feel by the muscles of his lower abdomen what he liked, and started focusing on that. Because we had both shared our philosophy that sex is about connection and the journey, I wasn’t overly concerned about making him orgasm. However, because he had said that, it was still a goal that was on my mind. I went down on him for a long time, and thought he was getting close to orgasming. He started to breathe hard, and his hands in my hair started to shake. I was worried that he wanted me to stop, but because he had stopped guiding my head, but he told me to keep going. Meanwhile he was shaking more and more. For the next several minutes he shook, with quivers taking over his entire body. Without ejaculating, he went soft over the course of a minute. I could tell that he was enjoying himself, but he started laughing, almost without control. I was almost worried that he was having a health crisis, because he was shaking so hard the bed was moving, but he just shook his head and continued to shake and gasp and laugh breathlessly. Neither of us had ever experienced an orgasm like that, it lasted almost 10 minutes. Once he was able to control his hands, we looked up orgasms, and realized the closest description was a tantric orgasm, but it was definitely a new experience for both of us.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We continued to hook up the next morning, and the following evening and morning. I felt great about it, although I was worried that I had been a little loud and possibly disturbed my friends’ sleep. I don’t have shame about having sex, but I also don’t want to wake anyone up. R and I didn’t talk about what we wanted until the end of the weekend, but because we live far away, and neither of us is looking to be in a relationship, especially a long distance relationship, we decided that we would continue to talk and flirt and see each other when we can, but not constrain the other in any way. Because of my aromance, I am happiest like that, and don’t and can’t imagine feeling jealousy over whether or not R wants to pursue something with someone else. We still talk almost every day, and I would consider him a good friend, that I am excited to see again.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, IUD (Intrauterine device), Discussed STI testing history, Exchanged recent STI test results
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have, Making new friends
How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Some of my friends, and my sister.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Feeling the freedom to emotionally and physically invest in a person with whom I have an intense intellectual and physical connection, without being afraid that they will fall for me romantically because of our clear communication. Also R’s ability to follow direction and learn what I like out of a sexual encounter.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? That we live far apart, and can’t do it more often!
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Nope.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Casual sex has allowed me to explore the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction, and has given me the confidence to be more sure about my own lived experience. I am very grateful that I have these experiences to shape me.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Love it!
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