by The American
What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 27
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Comfortable
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 5
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
An Italian Dalliance
How long ago did this hookup happen? The last hook up happened 2 months ago, but it went on for 3 months
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? A mutual friend of ours had introduced us at a bar, a celebration of her new job. When I had met him, I was in a relationship for 6.5 years, but I was living abroad and my boyfriend was back in the States (so needless to say, the relationship was not the romantic ideal). So when I met him, I was immediately attracted to him. It was a weird pull, a sensation I hadn’t felt in a while (but I had felt with two others while dating my then boyfriend). We were flirting the entire night and I neglected to mention I had a boyfriend. Also through his stories, I had a feeling he’d been with a lot of girls and the first thought that came up was, “I don’t want to be one of those girls.” I had no problem with the idea of casual sex, but I never wanted to be left hung out to dry. I don’t know why I had this feeling about him, but I did. The other feeling I had about him was “Wow, you’re really dangerous for me, ” in a lot of ways. He was half Italian, so when he spoke Italian, the attraction was greater and I asked him to stop, knowing I’d continue to feel a pull I shouldn’t have.
We continued to stay in touch after that night, but it was more reserved because I had a boyfriend. Then he started to work at my office and we’d have lunch or I’d ride the bus just to ride with him. At the time, my boyfriend was there to visit and I couldn’t help but feel that my boyfriend was not the person I wanted to be with. I’m not saying the guy was, but my uncertainty about our relationship wasn’t fair to my boyfriend. We broke up and the guy found out about it because we had mutual friends and I ended up telling him. I remember when I told him, his eyes got quite wide – curiosity perhaps?
We hung out in a group a few times and then I went back to his place one night, citing “this is a bad idea..” and he agreed to an extent, but we still ended up making out in his kitchen and it was strange for me. I wasn’t used to kissing someone else and I said again, “I don’t think we should be doing this.” So I slept in a separate bedroom and as we were making the bed, it got hot and heavy again, but I maintained sleeping separately.
The next morning, I had to leave early but ended up coming back and we napped together in the same bed, kissing and climbing on top of each other, but not having sex.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? The first hookup began a week later. I invited him to dinner and had texted him saying I was excited to hang out. Before dinner, or maybe it was after, I took him up to my loft to show how my window overlooks the inside of a gym and we were then lying on the bed, staring at each other a bit too long. He started talking first and said…”I don’t think this is a good idea. I don’t know what I want.” I leaned over and said, “I don’t know what I want either, but I don’t want a relationship.” Having just gotten out of a relationship, I believed what I was saying. Like before, he kissed me first.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We rolled around in the bed a bit, pillows falling off the sides, the duvet cover completely pushed to one side of the bed. My shirt came off first and then his. And while we rolled around some more, he asked whether we should do this. I let him burry his face in my chest as I decided (a terrible way to decide) and concluded, “yes, let’s just do it,” knowing full well that this would not end well for me since I came into it with some kind of emotional attachment.
He basically ripped off my bra and pulled down my underwear. It had been so long that I had been with someone else that it was incredibly exciting and I was the most wet I’ve been in 4 years. I unclipped his belt and pulled down his pants, exposing his boxer briefs. He took off his briefs and I was almost afraid to stare because it had been so long since I had seen someone else’s penis.
I just focused on his face and the hunger in his eyes as he put on a condom and climbed on top of me. During penetration, we were hanging off the side of the bed and fell onto the floor. It was incredibly hot in more ways than one. It was all over in maybe 5 minutes because we were so excited. I didn’t fully orgasm, but had a minor one and he had fully orgasmed.
When it was over, we laid together in each other’s arms, heaving heavily and thirsty. I wanted to do it again, but neither of us had another condom. So we decided to watch the Princess Bride and eat strawberries after. For me, that was a completely satisfying end.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The next day he left and I was on cloud 9. I had confidence and I was incredibly happy. We saw each other again the next night, but for a drink and with a group of friends.
The thing is, this wasn’t just one hookup. We continued to hang out and hookup. Sometimes we would have sex and sometimes we wouldn’t. We’d have sex after drinking or without alcohol, we’d have it multiple times in one night, we’ve do oral or just hands, we’d have sex while watching Netflix, or while going on a hike in the woods, or before going to the grocery store together. The hooking up lasted pretty consistently for three months.
He had tried to stop it after maybe our 5th or 6th hookup, but I thought it was silly to stop the sex. I think he saw that I was getting more emotionally involved than him, even though I kept denying it. We agreed to not have sex and while it was not what I wanted, (I said “I don’t like it,” and he said, “I don’t either.”) it was probably for the best. I later told my best guy friend that while I was upset, we don’t know what’s going to happen and it is probably for the best (really believing that at that moment) because he’s someone I couldn’t have a relationship with now (for various reasons: I didn’t want one and he has a lot of growing up to do before he commits to someone). But what sucked was that he was someone I could see myself with in a few years from now. Needless to say, the “not hooking up” lasted 5 days and I ended up giving him a blow job on an 8-10 hour hike together in the woods. And that jump-started the hooking up again, whether he realised it or not.
I don’t know what I wanted from this, but I liked the sex. It was short, but intense and passionate. I was constantly wet (even when we weren’t together) and all I wanted was for him to be inside me. The problem was that we were developing a deep friendship in the process, one where we were as open and honest with each other as we could be (with some self-deception involved) and telling each other things that not many other people knew. It was a dangerous slope for two people who didn’t want a relationship. And to continue it for three months…you can probably guess how it ended.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, I was feeling lonely
How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told our mutual friend who introduced us. She was incredibly excited when we first hooked up because she thought I would be the one to “change him.” Such a girl thing to say, right? Of course, that wasn’t the case.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat
Why do you regret this hookup? I somewhat regret this hookup because now we’ve been friends without sex for two months and it feels like this elephant in the room. I’m constantly struggling with how do you maintain a friendship once you’ve had sex? And to specify, maintain a really close friendship that has romantic connotations (as my friends love to point out), but not have sex. It’s a bit torturous.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The moments of pleasure were fantastic for me and while I didn’t orgasm every time, the intimacy we shared was something I’ll never forget. I’ve never been looked at like he looked at me before and his enthusiasm in the bedroom made it fun and adventurous.
In the end, even though our relationship/friendship continues to be complicated, I also met someone who became a good friend and I think we’ve both impacted each other for the better.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? When I told him I was developing feelings for him, he told me he just liked me as a friend. It was heartbreaking and all the confidence I received during the sex was completely wiped away. I became “one of those girls” that he was so used to leaving high and dry. It was a devastating realisation and one that left me feeling worse than ending my 6.5 year relationship, which is insane.
Luckily, I was leaving to go on holiday for three weeks following our discussion, in which he also said he doesn’t feel the same way about me as he did with other women. So naturally, during my holidays, I drank a lot but also had some really good therapeutic sessions with friends and with myself and while I was vacationing alone, I met someone who was incredibly attractive and for one night, gave me a renewed sense of confidence (without sex even!). A confidence that has continued to linger and is the reason that I haven’t completely cut off this person from my life and have maintained “no sex” with him.
But in that moment during our discussion, I had felt small and used even though it was consensual. But it was confusing what we had. It still is and I didn’t quite believe he had no feelings for me whatsoever (and I still don’t), but I truly believe he doesn’t know what he wants.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I learned that I can’t have casual sex with someone I already have some kind of feeling for. If I have casual sex, it needs to be a one or two time hookup and that’s it. Once it becomes consistent and a bond is formed, I can’t do it and that’s what I learned about myself.
If the latter becomes the case, I rather not have sex at all. So, following this experience, I’ve decided to be as celibate as I can be and if a one night stand comes into my life, that’s fine…but at this moment, following a 6.5 year relationship, I can’t have a consistent casual relationship.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I rate this more negative than positive because I think it was more complicated than I wanted it to be and for me, casual sex should be more about one-time hookups and not a kind-of/not really dating.
But he’s an incredible person (outside of not knowing what to do with women and how to handle them) and I am really glad I met him. So, a 50/50 split as far as negative versus positive experience, I guess…which is fitting considering the relationship.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? It depends on the person, right? I think casual sex can be really good and it absolutely can give renewed sense of confidence and self, but it can also be quite destructive. It depends on what you’re used to and what you want out of a sexual partner.
For me, I don’t need a relationship but I need to feel wanted and if I don’t feel wanted, then casual sex is not worth it.
I live in Europe and casual sex is quite the “norm” here, but I would like to see more acceptance towards people who might not be interested in casual sex. It’s a negative here if you’ve had too few sexual partners and you almost feel like an outsider if you’re not having casual sex more often. I don’t like that negative connotation as much as I don’t like the slut shaming.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s a fantastic idea and for some reason, google knows more about me than I thought! I stumbled on the TedTalk because YouTube recommended it and it was enlightening and therapeutic to listen to.
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