by Moira

Gender: Female
Age: 24
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Current location: North America
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: Artist
Relationship status: Single
Religious affiliation: None
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Bisexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? Queer
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 20ish
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? None

Blackout

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 year ago

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? One night stand
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Tony was a broad-shouldered Italian jock that I had seen at readings and parties, not my usual type at all but with long hair and big hands. I thought he was a bit of a goof but was somewhat attracted to him in the vague way where I would never have initiated anything.

Miles was a good friend, several inches shorter than me and small-boned, beautiful face, hairy. I had a crush on him but didn’t think I’d act on it because a close friend had a much bigger, obsessive, unrequited crush.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? At this point in my life I was in a crumbling semi-open relationship and hadn’t had a lot of casual sex. I lived with my partner, who wasn’t present and wasn’t fucking me much at that point. We were at a poetry reading for the boys’ university, drinking a lot of free wine. It was spring, so I was layering, wearing a crop top under a big hoodie which was wet and shlubby from the rain. After the reading we went to a fancy dorm room, mostly boys, where we danced and I smoked a few bowls. I took my hoodie off. The shirt underneath was a skin tight black long sleeved shirt that ended just under my breasts, very unlike me to wear, and Tony danced close to me, touching my belly and back. I was coy but not refusing. He asked if I wanted to go get drinks somewhere and I said sure but brought Miles. I was a little scared of Tony, flattered but not really interested, and thought Miles would neutralize the situation. I was also on my period, near the end of it, but the weed and dry spell was starting to make me really horny.

We drank a few pitchers at a bar and then it was last call. Miles and I were big drinkers and Tony said he had more wine at home. We went back to his place, and played music and drank. Tony asked Miles if they should both start kissing my neck. I remember being very surprised and unprepared, turned on by the idea, but feeling concern for my partner and the friend who was into Miles, like I didn’t have control of the situation, and getting up to go – although part of me wanted to stay. I was very attracted to Miles and had been wondering if he was interested in me, but thinking I would never act on it.  This is where I stop remembering.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? The next point at which I have memory I woke up naked in an unfamiliar bed with big feet in my face. Tony was also naked and waking up. We looked at eachother from opposite ends of the bed and laughed. He said that he guessed we must have fallen asleep giving eachother head and pulled me towards him to kiss. I remember feeling surprise, anxiety, guilt, and being attracted to Tony in the sunlight. I momentarily set aside my questions and made out with him. I was into his cock and was thinking that if I couldn’t remember having had sex with him (the only time this has happened to me) I wanted to see what it was like. I sucked his morning erection, short and dark, while he played with my pussy, and he pulled me up onto his cock. No condom, also a first. I felt turned on by the sluttiness of waking up with a stranger and intimidated by his big muscular body and didn’t protest, which I regret. I fucked him on top, he flipped me and fucked me in missionary while I touched my clit, pulled out and came on my chest.The sex felt oddly wholesome and familiar for someone I didn’t remember fucking – the door to his bedroom was also open and I was moaning freely, even though I could see that Miles asleep on the floor in the next room in the sunlight. My hangover was strangely absent.

He got me water and asked if I wanted breakfast. I told him to lie down and asked him what happened last night. He looked surprised and asked me what I remembered. I told him. He acted very concerned and shocked and then described the previous night in detail: the whole time, the door was open and tiny Miles was on the floor.

This is the story he told me. Tony was kind, patient with my questions when I was brave enough to ask them and acted concerned throughout. After I got up to go that I started looking for my cigarettes, and he said he’d buy me some, and persuaded me. The three of us went to the corner store and came back. He said when I got back I took off the shlubby hoodie again, very dramatically, and looked cockily at them. He said that they flanked me on his living room couch and started to kiss me, and Miles started kissing my neck. I started kissing Miles “passionately” – my forbidden crush, I had a big intake of breath at this point in the story – and Tony pulled off my jeans and was massaging my thighs. Miles pulled up shirt and was sucking on my tits. Tony pushed my underwear aside and pulled my tampon out with his teeth (!) and started licking my pussy. I’m kissing Miles while Tony eats my pussy. Miles gets up and makes Tony get up and now Miles is eating my pussy. Tony said he left for a bit at this point, and that Miles stood up and fucked me on the couch, my legs over his shoulders. After Miles came (in me, I assume), Tony returned and picked me up and carried me into his bedroom. He made Miles a bed on the floor. He said that I was wild, moaning and spitting and talking dirty, and that we fucked for a long time, switching between fucking my cunt, 69ing, and even fucking my ass. Remember, I don’t remember any of this. My ass felt a little sore.

Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? I didn’t ask. When I’ve been very drunk I don’t usually come so I assume not. It sounds like Miles came. Not sure about Tony, although he did in the morning. While the sex in the morning was fine, vanilla, I wasn’t relaxed enough to come.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? None, the only time this has happened to me. Ugh. My period returned and lasted for weeks the next day. I really should have gone to a doctor. I still suspect I miscarried. I’ve been tested since, although I waited longer than I should have.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I was feeling very neglected sexually.
I was very attracted to Miles.
I was not especially attracted to Tony, but charmed and thinking about him sexually that night.
Although I had not had a lot of casual sex, I fantasized a lot about sleeping with two men and had been sexually adventurous in the context of long-term relationships.

And it sounds as if Tony was very persistent, and I was mega wasted.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? I had a couple of bowls, two or three pints, a slug of gin at the dorm room and ungodly amounts of wine. Miles drank a lot. I suspect that Tony had somewhat less than we did.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? After story time, I got dressed. My jeans were in the living room and my panties underneath passed out Miles, who got up, looked me in the eyes and buckled his belt. Tony made us breakfast and we went to the park together, it was a beautiful spring day, and joked around for a bit. Miles, who blacks out regularly, says he didnt remember a lot, but we didn’t go through the whole story again. They were both sweet and hanging out made me feel better about the experience, reminding me of the fun I’d had with them from what I remembered of the night before, and my attraction to them.

I feel massively conflicted about this hookup. There was a lot of fallout in relationships surrounding the three of us – I took this experience as a sign to leave my partner, which was good. I eventually hooked up more with Miles, I think both of us trying to recall the experience. I felt somewhat taken advantage of, somewhat guilty, somewhat turned on. Tony did creep me out/insult more by asking me not to tell people we knew, although that may have had to do with other women or with the overlap being somewhat gay. I find him sinister and have no desire to see him again.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told my partner. We had been nonmonogamous before and he is not a jealous person, but he was annoyed and disturbed. Later he got pinkeye and accused me of giving him gonnorhea (both out of character and, as it turned out, untrue).

The friend in love with Miles told me he’d dreamed it happened and then we fought about it.

I spoke to a couple other friends about it, trying to process – they mostly thought I was bragging (which I was, a little) when I wanted a bit more care and reassurance.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Not quite. Not quite for Miles, either, who probably weighs a hundred pounds and couldn’t remember much. It’s something I would have wanted to do, and can imagine I enjoyed, but I don’t feel like I had enough agency to have made it consensual.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I regret that it was unprotected and that I don’t remember it, that I had so little control.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I believe this event made me less neurotic about sex (sluttier). I had a high sex drive and was more adventurous than my long term partner, but had only had a couple relationships, and a few hookups with cautious sex where I was always really concerned about the emotional implications for my long term relationship with a partner who by that point was not all that interested in my sexually. BEFORE this encounter, I had slept with a number of women but only 4 men, two in long term relationships, and still hadn’t realized it would still be easy for me to be attractive to most men with my weird haircut and flat chest. I was extremely horny and curious, but anxious, possessive and insecure.

After this encounter, I had a string of drunk, clumsy hookups that affirmed my attractiveness and introduced me to straight casual sex, eventually left my uptight, cold partner, and am now having soul-touching, explosive sex in a relationship with a macho guy I fucked sober on the first date. I would have wanted him, but been too insecure and paranoid to think I could have a chance before this encounter.

On the other hand, this coming into sluttiness sucked in that I was too wasted to even remember it. Though he wouldn’t admit it, I probably hurt my partner. I lost the friend who loved Miles for a while, who eventually forgave me. I was jarred by the new risks to my emotional and physical health and worked through it through repeating risky drunk behaviour where consent was blurry and protection sketchy. I’d always wanted to have a lot of wild sex with strangers like what Tony described we did, but anxious inhibitions made making it happen scary. Nevertheless, this dark event was part of a process of making me more comfortable and secure in fucking a range of men, which can be absolutely sublime drunk or sober .

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

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