by Matilda

Gender: Female
Age: 22
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Current location: Balkans
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (currently pursuing)
Occupation: International cooperation associate
Relationship status: Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? Disoriented 😀
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 2
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? None

Cognitive Dissonance

How long ago did this hookup happen? ~2 months

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? Short fling

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was a foreigner I met in a restaurant. We started chatting about the noise around us and ended up spending the whole day together, two of us and my friend. I didn’t pay particular attention to his looks but I felt the tenderness from his smile and intimate approach. He seemed a bit eccentric artistic type enthusiastic about life. I enjoyed our time together but wasn’t thinking about us in any direction since he was married. My friend told me the day after that she thinks he is interested in me which though I didn’t believe made me feel pleased and afraid at the same time.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? The three of us were planning a new meeting but my friend was out of town so it was just the two of us. Since he is coming from other town he asked to stay at my place which I accepted without any expectations. I was completely sure that nothing will happen though I did pay unusual attention to my looks. We met each other and walked for couple of hours talking about various subjects. Quite often we couldn’t understand each other, we had a language barrier but also I couldn’t understand the implications of what he was saying. Afterwards, we listened to music in my apartment and at some moment he tried kissing me. I was completely took by surprise and I was a bit furious because he was married. We shared some intimate moment while holding hands or through eye contact and fell asleep in the same bed. In the morning my barrier was crushed by sense of intimacy from watching him sleep.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? He kissed me all over my body and when he got to the panties I pulled back. He said “just one kiss” which I didn’t understand it meant oral so I agreed, pulled back again and caved in once more. It was my first oral sex and I went completely numb and I was mesmerized by the sensations. He asked me if he should stop to which I replied “yes” but also “no” to whether I want him to stop. After some time while I still wasn’t aware what is happening he was inside me. He told me to open my eyes but I couldn’t, I tried and they were just blinking from all the impulses. He was really romantic and I confused all of that and intensive eye gaze with love. He tried changing poses but I just didn’t feel comfortable enough doing anything so I would just get back to my passive stance. Afterwards, he drove me to other town. I felt confused, especially since we weren’t talking much but it was simple to him “I feel happy with you”. We talked about meeting in France in couple of months but he called me couple of days later to meet again. I said I am taking my friend because I don’t want nothing to happen but we just ended up making love through whole night. I was just lying and half sleeping while he did the magic. We talked about destiny and our connection but I was just confused because of my inexperience while he probably was lying.

Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? I did. I don’t think he had an orgasm the first time and I would assume that he did the second one, though I can’t really tell.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? First time took me by surprise so we didn’t use protection. I drank the day after pill and asked him to use condom the second time. I did get an infection.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? No reasoning involved, I was just carried away.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? Yes, we drank a couple of wine glasses and smoked weed. Second time I drank much more.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We agreed to meet again in France but I hope it won’t happen (I’m still spinning involuntary). For almost two months I had a constant struggle in my head about what does it mean. I was involved with man just once before and I generally don’t connect or feel like sharing myself with anyone. While it was happening I though it was the greatest love story but wasn’t projecting us in the future because of his marriage. I felt used when I realized that it was all a game and that he doesn’t care about me. In time, I also started appreciating just the sexual aspect and changed my perspective to egoistical in many other life domains. It was a transformative experience for me and I am still searching for my ground.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? To my friends. They were all judgmental because he is married and everyone has distanced themselves from me to some degree.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? It was consensual for both whereas I didn’t want it to happen.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I still can’t tell.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I experienced sexual pleasure, learned not to trust, relativized my moral and felt empowered by it. The worst is that I feel completely lost and I know I can’t trust myself. It changed the way I think of myself and everything else. I see hundred of versions of understanding everything and can adopt none.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? Mozart was a great composer!

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