by Arhur

Gender: Male
Age: 48
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Current location: Eastern Europe
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
Occupation: Judge
Relationship status: lost
Religious affiliation: None
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? +/- 20
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 1

Disaster

How long ago did this hookup happen? 20 years

How would you best classify this hookup? friends with benefits, although we did not realize it was just that

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I was living in a major western european city, just having been appointed a judge (in most parts of Europe this can be achieved in Your late 20s). I had been single for a while, hoping to find somebody new. Not just laying back, I took the initiative to post an ad in the paper (the internet was only just invented and mobile phones would only serve to perform phone calls…).

She responded with a letter saying that she was unsure about whether or not we should get in touch. I replied that in this case it would be better not to until she knew what she wanted. I wish I had stuck to this instant intuition of mine. But to the contrary and with a certain sense of pride and opposition, she then insisted. 

So she called me and it turned out I liked her voice very much from the beginning. She was a nurse, living in the area. Soon we proceeded to talking for hours on the phone almost daily during some weeks and then met for a dinner, which was somehow strange (again, I didn’t read the writing on the wall), but ok.

We continued to see each other a couple of times and got to know each other better. She was five years younger than me and I was about 20 cm taller than her. She had nice but not very long blonde hair (I always was more into dark haired girls but did not mind so much about looks, was more into actions, sense of humor, smile, smells etc.), a gentle face, a very nice smile and she laughed a lot and beautifully so. I was definitely having a crush on her.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Somehow all our conversations and dates were the beginning of it, as it was clear from the start, through the way we got to know each other, that we were looking for someone to become someone special. I recall our first kiss, which was like naturally happening during a walk after a comfortable dinner, which was nice and passionately. I took the initiative, but by her reaction – she did not evade it in any way but reciprocated – was sure she liked it. I don’t actually recall whether this was the night when we actually had sex for the first time, although I clearly remember our first time, which was in her apartment, not far from where we kissed.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I consider our hook up not only one night, but a couple of months. So I just kind of sum up what happened, sexually. A lot of cuddling was involved, all the time, as I am very much into that. I always felt that she was a bit passive, but I did not read this as a sign as everyone is different. We did not have any oral sex, though, as I never really enjoyed it previously and was not interested in receiving and therefore understood that she was not interested in me giving neither, although I really wanted. Anal was nothing either of us was interested in trying out. We touched each other and had usually orgasms from manual stimulations and vaginal intercourse which we did all over the flat, also wrecking some furniture and catching some bruises. Many times we kind of ripped our clothes off just after the door was shut. It was very passionate and I was completely delighted with the experience. Afterwards we would hold each other nicely, on the sofa or in bed, many times going for a second and a third round and usually sleeping over. We tried out some mild kink like blindfolding and bondage with scarfs, but that was just a variation, not a direction we were moving into. We were both very much caring for the wantings and needs of the other, talked a lot in between, but during the sex rather not. She was a good lover, but not mindblowingly. I was completely satisfied, though.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? During the first time we used condoms. After a while we discussed alternatives and did not like the hormone effects of the pill so decided to switch to an IUD. We both mentioned that we were sure to be clean but we both got tested prior to renouncing of protection.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I was looking for love and for sex. Her reasons – which are more relevant in this context, as mostly for her it turned out to be just a hookup later on – I believe today were that she wanted to take the chance to find someone to marry.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? We mostly had some wine, but it had not a big effect on either of us.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? This hookup kind of ruined my life, which is why I am contributing this story.

Over time we became bf/gf, told each other that we loved each other and moved together. But then I noticed that she never instigated to have sex. So I decided to wait and allow her time, believing that she was just putting me to a test whether I was simply wanting to fuck her (because during some time our relation was very physical) or really was interested in her as a person. This lasted long – actually for several years (which is why I do not blame her because I am just as responsible for all the time lost than she is). And as I wanted to talk and change something about it, there were always reasons why not to do it. To cut it short, after years of frustration and talks, during which we had discovered a number of possible reasons for our problems, ranging from her having been molested in the family when she was a child to behavior of previous boyfriends to her maybe being basically asexual, I insisted on seeing a therapist together. The therapy lead us to exploring each other once again and after some months or even a year we seemed to have arrived at a stable physical relationship. That was when I proposed her. We got married, decided to settle with a house and to have a child. She became pregnant almost immediately. During her pregnancy she refused to have sex as she was (irrationally, but that is not the point when it comes to respect a “no”) fearing for the baby. Afterwards she said she felt bad about the change that the pregnancy has caused to her shape, but soon we found out that basically and sadly our problems had returned, her being not interested in me once again. We started several attempts of therapy (separate and jointly) and this time therapy finally was successful in identifying the problem. Basically my wife did not love me and never had. She wished to do so, and living with me was pleasant and comfortable, but in the crucial moments of truth, at the previous therapies included, she lied to herself and to me, just desperately hoping that I was Mr. right for her, as I fit in all of her hopes for the future. So basically for her all we had was but a hookup with hopes for more, where in fact there was nothing. To understand that she lied to me all this time about her feelings destroyed me completely.

To find this out took fifteen years of my life of frustrated sexuality. We separated a couple of years ago and are divorcing now. It looks like her fear for her financial future leads her to fighting in the divorce in a way that will even destroy our personal relationship, which throughout the years had more or less remained intact. We have actually never been fighting or shouting at each other, not even during the separation period required by law prior to divorce. So she will always remain the mother of my child, but I have no hopes for our personal relationship. Currently our lawyers talk more to each other on our common issues than we do.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? We did not present this to the people we knew as a hookup, as at the time we (or at least I) believed it was more. So everybody was cheering at us for being a happy couple.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? For me the sex was completely consensual, for her I can’t really tell anymore. There were some flashes in her face which I recall that irritated me instantly and profoundly. At the time I believed I was witnessing insecurity due to lack of experience, but in hindsight I am afraid that these were moments in which her inner self sent the message that this was too much and that she did not really want what she was doing, although her body was showing all the signs of joy of sex.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I do regret this very much. 

I was brought up with the spirit that sex is something to share with a beloved person only and casual sex seemed to be just about using the genitals of someone else which to me appeared disgusting, because everybody has a dignity and no one deserves to be treated as an object or used as such. 

So I was not educated enough to understand or even consider that my partner could do it without attaching feelings but just hopes for the future. This misconception was kind of programmed by the attitudes and values given to me by my parents and probably I could not have done anything about it then. I don’t want to blame anyone else for it, but the truth is it ruined my life, as now I am in an age where I have passed beyond being physically attractive although in good shape and have no actual hope to meet someone I could have a future life with, personally and sexually. And it deprived me of more than a decade of a healthy and satisfying sex life, as I always – until we officially separated – had been faithful to my wife, no matter how desperately I was missing tenderness and sex.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best things, in chronological order, were that for a couple of weeks or months I felt to be loved and had very good sex during this time. Years later: the birth of my child.

The worst thing was that for many years I was constantly suffering, locked in in a doomed relation that ruined my life, as my partner did not manage to tell me that she was not loving me, which is why I did not understand that this was just a hookup gone astray. 

It was not so much the sexual experience itself that has changed my mind about casual sex, as I did not perceive this as being casual back then. But looking back, it was just that (as it was so for my partner) and it has deeply changed my attitude towards casual sex. I wish my partner and me would have been brought up in a spirit to be more open to casual sex as being healthy and fun. This would have enabled us to understand and address openly what was going on between us instead of being locked in in the concept of good sex being always attached to love. This lead to us fighting all of our lives for a love that was not mutual. This is why I called this story what is was for me: a disaster.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

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