What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 45
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? United States
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Sales
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (open)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Kinky
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 40
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? None
My Evolution from Sexless Marraige to an Open Relationship
How long ago did this hookup happen? Not a hookup. Nine years I divorced.
What was your relationship status at the time? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
How would you best classify this hookup? Group sex
What were your motives for this hookup? Learning new things, experimenting, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I love the life that I have created, but for the majority of my adult life wish that there had been more sexual adventure. It is the only part of my life that I feel is unfulfilled; yet to be explored. A decade-and-a-half of waiting, hoping, and fantasizing for moments that were never realized.
Even though I was monogamous to my wife — whom I loved, cherished and wanted to make a lifetime commitment to — my marriage ultimately ended because as the passion started to wither away, I had the natural desire to supplement my sexless relationship with other partners. Yes, having affairs and lying about them was not the right thing to do. It was hurtful, deceitful, and selfish, but in the end I have become a better man and person. I’m human, imperfect and make mistakes like everyone else, but I learn from my mistakes. What I did not see coming, and perhaps you can call me naive, is how my wife could be so willing to throw away 11 years of marriage and love (and 16 years of friendship) — over something as simple as sex. Now that the agony and scars have healed, I have moved on becoming more emotionally mature in the process. Although my divorce was extremely difficult on both of us, it was for the better and now, more than ever, I know more than ever exactly what I want.
My sexual life wasn’t always so boring. Before we were married we used to make make love virtually every day and could hardly keep our hands off one other. However, shortly after marrying, we quickly lost the intimacy that I strongly desired and the pattern changed to once or twice a month, then three or four months without sex, until eventually our lovemaking only happened a few times a year.
And during those rare moments when we were together, it always felt passionless, mechanical and non-erotic. Our lovemaking never lasted very long and it felt like we are focused on trading orgasms, versus the intimacy and emotional connection that I so strongly desired. There was no eroticism or passion like I enjoyed early in our relationship.
All of this created a lot of unresolved tension around our responsibilities to one another -and perhaps even my expectations of her – and so when it came to our love life, there was a dark cloud that seemed to perpetually hang over us. It was not very satisfying to live in a relationship where the one partner is always disappointed in the other or feels they are never good enough.
And forget about exploring my fantasies. When I told her that I secretly fantasized about her with other men or couples, I was meant to feel like I was perverted. That wife swapping or sex with others was disgusting. That seemed to widen the distance that was growing between us in creating a lot of unresolved tension around our responsibilities to one another -and perhaps even my expectations of her – and so when it came to our love life, there was a dark cloud that seemed to perpetually hang over us. It was not very satisfying to live in a relationship where the one partner is always disappointed in the other or feels they are never good enough.
Believing that we needed professional help, I recommended that we go to marriage counseling. But as I learned in our sessions, a marriage counselor can’t tell us how much sex we should be having. Both counselors who we saw agreed that we should be having some intimacy because that is often the glue that holds a couple together over time, but even counseling never improved our love life.
Although deep down my partner was a wonderful woman, unfortunately she never tried very hard to understand what I wanted/needed; nor did she make much effort to reciprocate love back or acknowledge the effort that I put into our marriage. None of this makes her a bad person, it just meant that I wanted more out of our marriage.
I’m not sharing this story out of pity, but rather to help you, the reader, better understand me and how I don’t ever want to make the mistake of not communicating expectations up-front again. So many people are afraid to say what they feel. And therein lies what makes writing this so difficult, since what is yet unknown for me is just how many women are out there who are willing to give a man a second look after he announces to them upfront that he is not interested in a dating, monogamous relationship.
My viewpoints on sex have evolved quite substantially as I have matured which has shifted my views about marriage, monogamy and relationships to this:
I am not convinced that the traditional structure of marriage necessarily leads to true happiness or is an absolute requirement for couples to remain committed to each other. As long as both partners have mutual trust, open-and-honest communications and neither person hurts the other, it is up to the couple to decide what the structure, rules, and boundaries of their relationship should look like … not how society or the church defines ‘love’, ‘relationship’ or ‘marriage’.
We Americans are hypocritical. Almost all of us believe that adultery is wrong, yet more than half of us admit to committing infidelity and prefer to choose the option of sneaking around leading secret lives of quiet desperation, cheating, and lying to their spouses versus having an open, honest conversation with them about this topic.
I don’t get that.
Cheating has become ingrained in American culture. It is widespread across sports (Lance Armstrong, doping, steroids), business (Wall Street, mortgage-backed securities), schools (college athletes getting their grades changed), I could go on and on.
It is unfortunately that there exists in our culture a stigma attached to people who openly admit to enjoying sex. Society quickly leaps to conclusions, assuming that because one is looking for sex that this wanton promiscuity without regard to safety or morals. That is simply not the case. I am completely comfortable with my sexuality; I adore woman, love their company, and enjoy sex and talking about it.
Being completely transparent about what needs I have sexually and what I specifically desire is a better option than cheating. I learned that the hard way in my marriage and now that I am dating I am upfront right from the very beginning with my girlfriend about my want for an open relationship.
So, I find irony in being a person who is upfront, honest and completely transparent about one aspect of my life (my enjoyment and pursuit of the pleasure of sex), and how judgmental society is against anyone who admits so. Monogamy’s stronghold on our beliefs is so strong that brings ostracism and judgment to anyone who questions or strays from its boundaries. It is the very reason, for example, why people feel uncomfortable responding to ads out of fear of humiliation or posting pictures of themselves online out of fear from repercussions from work, neighbors, and others who carry a very narrow view of life and how it should be lived.
What should only matter to people is ‘happiness’ and living out your life to the fullest extent possible, not being judgmental for enjoying something that is natural and pleasurable.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? And so that is exactly what I am doing. I am not ‘living my life to the fullest’ because that is an overused cliche, but I do ascribe to the idea of living my life on my own terms and being more authentic in the pursuits of my interests, passions and desires before I flatline. Life is far too short to be unhappy and uneventful. To be truthful, I feel like I squandered a decade of my life hoping it would change and I will never make that same mistake again.
All of this has led me to conclude that a monogamous married life places unrealistic requirements upon couples and I am not convinced that the traditional structure of marriage and monogamy necessarily leads to true happiness or is an absolute requirement for couples to remain committed to, and love, each other. Wedlock and monogamy are simply too restrictive for me, which is why the concept of an open, honest, equitable and committed relationship appeals more to me.
Sadly, I had to come to the realization that my life with my partner would never change and my situation would never improve unless I took the initiative to change my life, not wait for her to change. I came to the conclusion that I simply could no longer hide from the fact that my sexuality was placed on hold, due to a dull passionless marriage with a spouse who did not have a libido. I could not change my wife, but I could control my own future and my own destiny. Although we still love each other as friends, I decided that I could not live out a passion-less, sexless relationship any longer. I never wanted to exit a marriage that was rich in history and love, and having to upset our lives over something as simple as sex — but my life would never change unless I took the initiative on my own. And so that is exactly what I did.
The French seem to have this figured out. They view sex as a pleasure and believe that everyone has a right to enjoy it, with or without love. If you’re lucky enough never to get bored with your partner, then great for you. You are the envy of the world. But if you are like the rest (well, me) and there are fantasies you’ve always dreamed about exploring or you just want more (which was the category I lived in for my entire marriage), then there is no shame in looking for sex outside your marriage or your relationship.
I see no reason why a similar lifestyle cannot sustain happiness for myself and my lover. Someone that I can see regularly within the context of a relationship that is predominantly pleasure-based. At this point in my life connected, exploitative, passionate sex is as important as it has ever been. And I do not wish to go without it again. I am also more self-aware than ever of the human condition at my age and want to experience life fully by taking advantage of my current ability to indulge in as many joyful dalliances while I still can.
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