by Science Nerd

Gender: Female
Age: 34
Race/ethnicity: White
Location: Germany
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
Occupation: Researcher
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual

Failed Experiment

How long ago did this hookup happen? 5 years

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? After I finished my last degree, my flatshare broke up. As I had a job lined up in another city, I didn’t look for another for the month in between, but couch-surfed between two friends of mine. One of them, the man I later hooked up with, used to stay over at my flatshare all the time, usually on a spare matress in my room. He was friends with myself and my flatmates. I really like him although I’d never been sexually attracted to him- he’s tall, thin and blond, just like ALL my many cousins, which just isn’t sexy to me. He is good-looking, especially if he remembers to shave (which is rare), very clever and I love spending time with him. If I could choose to find him sexy I would, and I’d probably fall for him. We did try making out once before, but there was just no spark whatsoever. As it is, I love his brain (although he exasperates me sometime with how chaotic he is) and he is a great friend.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I threw a goodbye-party the day before I left town for my new job. I had lived in that city for 6 years, had a great social group there and really enjoyed living there, so I was quite down. The party was great, but I was a little maudlin.
I went to stay at his place that night and we talked for a while. He was really supportive and comforting.
He said we could try having sex – one-time offer!- if I liked. I was a bit unsure about it but then thought why not? So we went to his bed.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? It was some of the worst sex I ever had. While I love the guy for his brain, his body isn’t really my thing. Also, we were both tipsy and tired, which translates to lazy, so there was a bit of rolling around trying to get the other person to be on top and do the work. We just couldn’t find a rhythm!

So after some minutes of disappointing vaginal intercourse, I declared the experiment failed and we separated – only to find the condom gone from him. We searched the bed (slightly hampered by giggling fits) and didn’t find it. It turned out to be inside me, which was not a happy discovery!

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? We used a condom…which failed!
Since we’d both been tested for STIs not long before, I wasn’t too worried about that (but did have tests done some months later- all clear). But I wasn’t on any hormonal contraception. I moved cities the next day, which was a Saturday, so I did not manage to get the morning after pill. I called the poor man the hypothetical father of my hypothetical child until I managed to do a pregnancy test, which was thankfully negative. He’s forgiven me for the ribbing, though.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I like the man, I was maudlin and wanted the comfort. And I thought we should try it once- as I really like him, it would have been nice to like the sex, too. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen…

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? We were both quite tipsy.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I moved cities and saw him less. Since then, we both have moved into the same city, so now I see him more. We’re still friends and enjoy each others company. We also still get on one another’s nerves, so nothing’s changed, apart from the usual growing up/older.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? A few friends of mine know, but I didn’t tell our mutual friends from the first city. Those who know us together generally express the opinion that they thought we’d have tried much earlier, as we’re such an old married couple.

I’m generally really open about my sexual experiences, but do not like outing other people. If I have a conversation about hilariously bad sex, I’ll tell this tale with his name redacted, because come on – it is pretty funny!

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Yes.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? No, not at all.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Best things: it makes for a funny story and I don’t ever have to wonder whether we could have been a good couple.
Worst thing: the pregnancy scare.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? Just because you love someone’s mind doesn’t mean you’ll love their body. And yes, straight men and straight women CAN be just friends- and many are WAY better off that way!

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