by anythingbutbeautybird

Gender: Female
Age: 22
Race/ethnicity: White
Current location: PA
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: Writer
Relationship status: Single
Religious affiliation: None
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? N/A
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 2
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Favor For a “Friend”

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 year

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? Friends with benefits

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was a skinny white kid and self-conscious about it, but I thought he was really cute. Narrow face (I always seem to pick those), dark hair, widow’s peak. All sharp angles. We met while WOOFing–lived in the same house for two weeks. At first I hated him and his friend because they were big fat stoners who never talked about specific or concrete things, but they grew on me. One night I snapped awake from a dream where he asked me to dance and I realized I wanted more than “just” friendship from him.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We hooked up twice: It began off the farm when I offered him (and his friend) a back rub to help him feel less nervous about his concert the next day…and because I was curious to see if he would even let me touch him, period. He was into it, so in the car ride on the way back to the farm, in the backseat wedged in next to the farmer’s sticky-faced kid, I reached over and put my hand on his knee. He grinned, blushed, but took a long time before he put his hand on top of mine. When we got back to the farm, we talked to the farmer for a long time, grinning and making eyes at each other, and then we went upstairs so that I could borrow his computer. …And I thought he was shy, so that’s ALL I had intended to do. Imagine my surprise when he kissed me! And then two seconds later his friend walked in (what else can you do but laugh?) so we moved to my room.
The second time, he and I were drinking and chatting in his room. He went quiet so I said, “Penny for your thoughts?” Flustered, he said, “NOTHING.” Dot dot dot… Then he said, “If you want we can get drunk and make out.” I said, “So now you have to be drunk to want to make out with me?” He said, “No, I definitely don’t.” Then I made this big speech about how we were friends who actually cared about each other and he didn’t have to worry about me trying to date him because I lived on the other side of the country.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? First time: We kissed. He got my shirt off. I stopped him when he tried to take his pants off. He paused, then said he was tired and was going to bed.
After, we spoke about it… (I had to corner him to get him to talk, though. Given his way, he would’ve let the silence speak for itself and let me writhe wondering what the hell I did wrong.) He revealed that an ex had him still hung up on himself and relationships in general, so it would probably be best if we went back to just being friends. “For now,” he said. “Bull,” I said, “you’re leaving in a week. There is no ‘for now.’ We’re done and that’s that.” And I spent the next week feeling sad and lonely, but trying hard to respect his wishes to stay friends, in spite of us catching each other checking each other out all the time.
Second time: We kissed some more. (Better this time!) I offered to give him head… then changed my mind. He pleaded. I gave in, less because he was pleading and more because I wanted to be able to be more sexual. (I was on my period, so nothing else was going to happen.)
He was a really good kisser, but he was really stiff–probably nervous. I was nervous because I’d only ever kissed one other person before. The second time we were much less awkward with each other, partly because we’d grown more as friends in the meantime and partly because we’d done it before. But he was still immature in a lot of ways: he pushed my head, for one, and when I said, “Whoa hey use your words,” he was completely startled. And, worst of all, he wouldn’t kiss me after I finished giving him head–he could’ve warned me he’d do that. But I thought it was damn hypocritical because it had been in MY mouth already and I didn’t complain about it! I liked giving him head though–I felt powerful. In that moment.
We didn’t talk very much in the bedroom–outside it, mostly literature and ways the world is falling apart. He was a very withdrawn person. I only remember saying, “Holy crap, was that your lungs?!” when I had my head on his chest. He had really bad asthma, smoked anyway. I asked him, “Have you ever gone down on a girl before?” He said yes, a little indignant, wanting to prove himself I think. So I asked if he’d be willing to return the favor for me when he came back to the farm. (Job troubles intervened and he never did.) He said yes of course.
I told him I would do him that favor, as a friend (because why not, right?), if he would sleep in my bed with me. He agreed, but then he bailed after the deed was done.

Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? He definitely did.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? Oops.
That was the thing I was kicking myself about the most. Never again.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I thought he was smart and good-looking, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could have him if I wanted to. And I did, and I did.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? We drank a little, but not enough that either of us had so much as a buzz. He was stoned though–he was always stoned, I found out between the first hookup and the second hookup.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? He and his friend left the farm the next day. We all hugged and it was really sweet. I thought we were friends, and I guess we were, but then they both fell off the face of the earth and I haven’t heard from either of them in many months. That hurt. Until about a month after the hookup I thought of him sometimes as a brother and sometimes romantically, but always with affection. Now I feel pretty bitter and hurt. 
Also, I had a sore throat for about a week and thought I’d caught an STI from him, so I was scared and ashamed. I had to tell the farmer so she could take me to get tested, which was also embarrassing, but she was very supportive.
I still think (and worry!) about him often. He wasn’t a happy person and he wasn’t on a good path, but I don’t think he was a bad person. I think no one taught him better or gave him reasons to aim for more. Sometimes I feel angry at him for letting me blow him and then blowing me off, but mostly I feel sad when I think about him. I knew we weren’t going to date, but I thought that we were still close friends and were going to remain friends. Even now, I constantly find myself going over every word between us in my head, trying to prove to myself that–yes, he was a jerk about it, but still–he did care about me, for a time, in his way. Mostly I feel angry at myself for not respecting myself more, both at the time when I had his dick in my mouth and after when I emailed him. And when I emailed him again. And when I emailed him again… And when I think about emailing him now, because his address is just his first and last name, so of course I still know it.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told the farmer, because I needed her to drive me to Planned Parenthood. She told me not to feel ashamed, that it was natural to want and to do that kind of thing. That I would find someone better than him.
I told all of my closest friends, because I process and heal by talking… They were proud of me for initiating something I wanted, for having the guts not to wait around for him to make the first move. They were angry at him on my behalf when he was ignoring me. They were sad when I said I emailed him (again, again) but they let me talk about him anyway.
We always say, “Find someone who loves you as much as we do! Don’t settle for less!” And my friends truly, truly are the loves of my life, and that makes it okay that I got hurt. But next time I hope I take that advice a little better and find someone I can show off to them!

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Yes and yes.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? Yes. I took it further than I should have with someone I had known for so little time yet to whom I already had such a strong emotional attachment. With someone with whom I’d never talked about STIs or sexual history or even expectations for the future. With someone whose life choices I have such a hard time respecting. I’m still glad that I got a chance to kiss him, to feel like some part of him belonged to me for a little while… but I never should have done more than kiss him.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing about this hookup was the fact that I made it happen because I wanted it, in spite of the fact that I was working on a farm and therefore covered in sheep poop all day every day. It felt good to be in control of my own path, especially because when I was younger the guys that I wanted never wanted me back. I got him to want me when he was trying so hard to block out any kind of romantic situation, period.
The worst was those two or three days when I was convinced I had something nasty brewing in my throat, afraid of my own spit (as if my saliva were acid like a Sigourney Weaver alien), thinking about how I’d never be able to do that for someone I actually loved without a condom if I didn’t want to infect him, feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet because I KNOW THIS STUFF–I’d better because one of my best friends is the poster child for AIDS awareness and prevention. 
Hooking up with him definitely changed how I see casual sex. I think that for some people it’s fine, but I am not one of those people. I don’t have the urge to kiss someone if I’m not emotionally attached to them too, and I can’t have a one-night stand with someone I have feelings for. However, I did also prove to myself that I can be wanted and I can be sexual any time I please… so hopefully I don’t need to throw myself under the bus just to prove it to myself again.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

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