What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 18
What’s your race/ethnicity? Hispanic / Latino/a
What continent do you live on? South America
What country and/or city do you live in? Colombia
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Student
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Love
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? One
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? Zero

I Fell For My FWB Who Doesn’t Give A F*ck About Me

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 month and a half

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He is taller than me, we are about the same age (18-19), he has this awesome beard and wears glasses just like me, short hair but he started keeping it long even though he looks awful (not to me) just to threaten me to not cut my own, he happens to be a real close friend of my ex (the only one, a shitty 3 month relationship). I met him because of my ex who was jealous and all, he became very supportive after the breakup, we chatted a lot and even video call all night (til 6 am) for like a month. We hooked up for 6 months, he was my first time at everything (except kissing). After the first time we hooked up I felt great, no fears, no regrets, I guess that deep down I had hoped that it would become something else.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? The first thing that happened was a Kiss, he kissed me at the movies one day that he told me to go with him. It was just the both of us. But just a few days before that, we were at a party in which he was flirting with a girl and I felt kind of jealous ( at that time I thought that he was mine because we became so close and all my friends said that he has a thing for me so I took it for granted), I got super drunk and tried to Kiss him twice but he wouldn’t let me. We had a lot of sex conversations, he used to tell me about his experiences with other Girls and I was really curious, he wanted to teach me stuff and I’m sure that I wouldn’t have let him if I didn’t have feelings for him back then. And I was naïve enough to think that he didn’t see me as something else (meat). After the Kiss at the movies, we agreed on this relationship in which he was the master and I was the young padawan (star wars reference) and I guess that deep down I was hoping that it would become something else. The first time we hooked up we were at a friend’s house watching movies at his bedroom, our friend was with his girlfriend and they wanted to have sex, and as we were there too they decided to do it (I didn’t notice that), he just started kissing me, and I didn’t say anything, just accepted it, I guess I liked it, it was weird but not uncomfortable even though I wasn’t expecting it. The thing is that I didn’t imagine that our relationship master/padawan would make me lose my virginity with this guy that wasn’t my boyfriend so I convinced myself (he helped) that it didn’t matter. I guess it does.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? The first time it was just kissing, fingers and oral sex, he tried to penetrate me with his penis but I didn’t let him. He was cute, trying to make me feel comfortable. I was confused (in a moral way) but my body loved it. I was scared because of the virginity thing. I felt dumb because I didn’t know anything at all. After the first hook up, I learned a lot and became more confident. Six months later, I decided to end it because I finally accepted my feelings for him and hated feeling used.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I went home and he spent the night at our friend’s house. We didn’t talk much. He didn’t text me like he used to. I felt used. I convinced myself that he wasn’t using me, but that it was the best to not talk as much as we used to because that would make me fall for him (as if I wasn’t already pretty fallen). I wasn’t able to picture an end for that relationship, but deep down I expected love I guess, of course, I did my best shutting those feelings down. Now I know that he doesn’t like me back at all, that he doesn’t care about me and that I think about him all the time, that I would do anything for him, that I care if he is okay, that I miss him, that I’m not enough for him. I hope that he opens his eyes I guess.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? To my best friend, she said that it wasn’t a good idea, that I would end up really Hurt, that he wasn’t good or enough for me, that I deserved better. She told me to end it but I told her that it was okay. She warned me, I didn’t listen.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat

Why do you regret this hookup? Because now I have a bunch of pretty awful feelings like he doesn’t care about me at all, that I meant nothing but sex to him, that we never were even friends, that I like him a lot, that I am an idiot, that I’m not good enough.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It was good, it felt good, I felt really awesome, not only While we were hooking up, but at other times in which he treated me like his girl. I didn’t like the hook up as much as the relationship I thought I had (but the sex was pretty good don’t get me wrong).

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Getting used to this nice fake situation that was meaningful for me and sexual for him.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? A lot. I think I’m not made for casual sex. It makes me think that I’m weak and that I can feel, because I used to think that nothing could get me and now I’m pretty sure that I’m sensitive and caring and stupid (I did a lot of things for him that I wasn’t supposed to do, like taking care of him when he was hungover, paying ubers, doing his homework, putting him before my own friends, etc).

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? It lasted 6 months, was my first, I was 18, I shut feelings down during the whole experience, I confused his attitudes and actions (he treated me like his girlfriend, he said things like “be mine”, he held my hand, etc). I tried to end it more than 3 times before but I wasn’t able to do it.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Casual sex is made for mature people that are capable of managing and controlling feelings. Not for me.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? While filling this thing I have cleared my mind a lot. I haven’t been able to open up as much as I did it now.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!