What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 27
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? United States
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Management
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (open)
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? Between 30 and 40
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? I just posted one!
Friendship With Sprinkles
How long ago did this hookup happen? 5 years ago
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For more than 3 years
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was sexy but ugly sexy? He had dark brown hair and brown eyes, and he was a little chubby, but he just exuded this badass confidence that immediately drew me to him. I wanted him to think I was cool. We would smoke together after our 100-level speech class. After the semester ended, we stayed in touch, through fb and eventually texting. We hooked up over a period of a year, 7.5 years ago. Even after that ended, we talked all the time. He was one of my greatest confidants, and one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I’m going to talk about the last time we slept together before he moved away. I was pretty much in love with him.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? If you go back to the beginning, I instigated the whole shebang. I’d been into him for a while, but he was playing it cool and trying not to scare me off. He friend zoned himself, so one day I said, “you know you can fuck me, right?” If you fast forward to the last time we slept together, it was still me. I broke up with my boyfriend. I broke up with him for a lot of reasons, one being that I realized I was in love with someone else. Someone who was about to move thousands of miles across the country. It was his last night in town. We’d hung out the night before, but I’d gotten so high, we fell asleep watching Rocket Power in his parents’ basement. It was my attempt to have something to remember him by. I’d moved in with my aunt after leaving my ex, and I was home alone. I told him to come over, and he didn’t hesitate.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? He was already intimately aware of my sexual kinks, so he came prepared with two silk neckties, which he used to tie my hands to the bedpost. I noticed he’d lost weight; he was a lot more fit than when we were in college together. I thought he was beautiful. He kissed me, and it was like making up for lost time. It was urgent because we knew we didn’t have anymore. He went down on me while I strained against my makeshift bonds. He was always a devil with his tongue. He used my vibrator on me, and he was focused so intently, so fascinated by what he was doing to me, it bordered on reverence. When he was inside me, he thrusted hard and fast and rough, which he’d remembered me liking. However, he held me like he was afraid I’d disappear. It was the only time in our entire weird FWB mess that we didn’t use a condom. I felt so loved, in a way I hadn’t with my disinterested, alcoholic ex. After, we laid there for awhile, talking about his move and what I was going to do next. We cuddled, and I think it was the only time we did that, too. When he left, we kissed goodbye. I was really trying to say “goodbye”, “don’t leave”, and “I love you.”
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? He left and moved across the country, and I was hopelessly in love with him. I met my husband around the same time, and then I got married, but I still loved him. It was horrible of me, but I loved him for a very long time. I loved my husband too, but we left everything unsaid that night and I regretted all the loose ends we left dangling. We never stopped talking, until recently. For four years, we talked and shared until things escalated last summer, when I was going through a rough patch in my marriage anyway. I know my feelings for this other man contributed to the troubles I was having with my husband. One day I was at work and I had this horrible feeling I would never get to tell him how I felt about him, I was almost panicked, so I told him. He admitted he loved me, that he had always loved me, that he should have whisked me away that night and asked me to come with him. I think if he had asked, I would have said yes. I feel in my heart we would have been happy together. He asked me to meet him in a major city near home, said he would fly out and meet me and we could see if that spark was really there. He asked me to leave my husband. I almost did. I tried to, sort of, but I couldn’t do it. I loved my husband and I still do. Right after New Years this year, I told him that the comfort I had built for myself was too much to risk at the chance of maybe being happy with him, and that’s the most honest I’d ever been with another person. It cooled after that. He stopped responding to my texts, for the first time in 8 years. I had a dream one night that he had a girlfriend, and I woke up and saw that he did. I think I had a subconscious suspicion. I decided to do us both a favor, and I went no contact. Deleted his number, his snap, his fb— everything except his twitter, which I hardly check anyway, but still like to look at sometimes to make myself feel bad. My marriage is much healthier now and I’m more present in the relationship. I don’t know what I’d do if he contacted me tomorrow though; I might fall right back where I was. I still love him very much, but I’m trying to put him behind me.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) IUD (Intrauterine device)
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more
How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Marijuana, hashish
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told my best friend, who knew how I felt. Mostly she was sad for me, because she knew he’d left. In the name of full disclosure, I told my husband a few months later, when we started dating, because he and I had already slept together shortly before that. He was put out, but he knew he had no say in what I’d done before we dated. He still hates the guy, though. He’s never met him, but he got nasty about him when he was aware we were still communicating.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How loved I felt when I was with him.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? That we knew it was goodbye. That we were reigniting something we couldn’t finish.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? No. It was just a moment I look back on in my life with a lot of sadness and regret at what “could have been.”
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I’m an advocate for casual sex in general, but FWB situations can be treacherous. I’ve had a successful FWB relationship, but all too often, when you become sexually involved with someone you already share a level of emotional connection with, things go sideways really fast. It was just supposed to be fun, but it ended up being one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. I lost one of my best friends because our feelings became too big for our lives. This is a cautionary tale.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I was, and still am, an enthusiastic practitioner of casual sex. My husband and I swing now, and the freedom to express my sexuality is both liberating and gratifying. When two consenting adults enter a mutually satisfying experience together, it can be an ecstatic, singular experience. I like collecting these experiences. While not all the experiences have been positive, I feel like a healthy egalitarian attitude towards sex has made me a more well-rounded person.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think this is fantastic. This is the first time I’ve told this story, to anyone or anything, and it was extremely cathartic. Maybe someone is reading these experiences to get off, or maybe to educate themselves or out of curiosity. Whatever the reason, I feel that by sharing these experiences we can relieve some of the stigma or confusion surrounding casual sex.
You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!