by Bee Breck
What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 54
What’s your race/ethnicity? Mixed / Multiracial
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA, OR
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Regulatory and Compliance in Health Services
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Traditionalist Earth Based
How religious are you? Very
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? CIS female
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? Too many to count
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? This is the first
My Good Buddy From Far Away
How long ago did this hookup happen? 3 weeks ago
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? A friend of some years, not sure what this connection is
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For more than 3 years
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He is native, heavyset, age-appropriate to me. We have been part of a virtual community for years, and he and I have spent many hours via telephone, chat and such sharing thoughts, energy, doing that mental dance. Music, ceremony, literature, politics, social justice, critical concepts – he kept me company. In general, I am adamant that it’s not ok to fuck other people’s partners. I listen closely when he has thoughts to offer, and we watch each other’s backs in social media realms. He has also been a great support with very specific frontlines I and my family work on.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? He was at a Board meeting in WA and let me know he was in the area and said he was traveling down through my town/state on the way back to his home in yet the next state over. I was excited to get face to face and spend some time. I raced through tidying and cleaning my home, burned some medicinal herbs to cleanse it, bought nice food, pedicure, haircut. Put things right for my friend and guest.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? He arrived hours later than originally planned – no surprise to me, and just fine. It was quite late in the night. He was not as verbally adept in person and stayed into his phone a lot more than was strictly comfortable. He declined tea, offers of the usual things to be hospitable. The move to sexual contact occurred without really talk or introductory reaching, and lacked the mental pairing that characterizes our years of connection. He initiated, and we just kind of slid into it. There was not the verbal feedback to let me know where he was at, how it was. He thought I had cum because I am very wet and engage as deeply as I can no matter the situation. I give myself fully to it. I just could not get a fix on what was going on with him so as to interpret correctly. If he had verbalized a desire to not be sexual, I’d have been fine. He didn’t verbalize around any of it to help me, really. We engaged orally, some fisting (he said he’d never fisted someone who was so into it-I love it), we are both heavier so vaginal was uncomfortable/unsuccessful and his weight was crushing; finished anally – I really love anal sex. As we lay together, I was buzzing, I really wanted to please my friend, find the way to his pleasure so he could open up… licked, sucked, raked my teeth softly across his nipples and that was his buzz point. That was fun, moments to laugh together.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all
Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? He wanted to sleep on the couch, I insisted that he should finish his sleep on the bed. He slipped out in the wee hours, leaving a kind, sweet kiss on my forehead. Hours later I texted him to check in on this dynamic, and find it displeasing that he did not engage and do his part alongside me to set it tidy. Left the work up to me.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None, Sterilization
What were your motives for this hookup? Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it
How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did you consume? Prescription pain killers (Vicodin, Percoset, Demerol, Dilaudid)
How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but didn’t give a ‘no’
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? In all the years we were knowing each other previously there’d been a real yearning, both enthusiastically engaged to it despite the situation of him being in a relationship. We had a good number of straightforward conversations about it. We kept this to ourselves. He is a secretive man, something I don’t like. I am a disclosive woman, but this was not a good experience, I’m learning to keep my thoughts to myself more these days.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Very much
Why do you regret this hookup? It would be ok if it was not pleasurable to him, but the complete lack of communication that emerged – something I’ve seen in men before – really left everything on me. Am I not attractive? Are you saying those couple of things just to be polite? Are you ashamed of your body given your obesity? What is going on with you? ANY of it is ok, and I can deal and accommodate any truth; but giving me nothing to understand the dynamic is not ok.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? He went many hours out of his way to come see his friend, me. He could have simply driven on home straight across the state. I really wanted to see him, did all I could to prepare my body and my home to be inviting and hospitable to him. I was glad to see him. As regards the sex, there was a beautiful moment when I had him in my mouth and throat, something I love, and lying in his arms commented on how gentlemanly he is, in that i could tell by his hands that he wanted to push my head down hard and fuck my throat, but after some of that delicious struggle, always let me go, touching my hair. There was something so good about that conversation as he said to me, “I am not necessarily a gentleman. In my past I was abusive.” My heart is always on the ready for self-awareness shared in intimacy. I appreciated and respected him in the way I’m used to in that moment. To receive a small gem of who he really is, right.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The lack of connection that may have been his body shame, his tiredness, an ultimate lack of connection in real time, his relationship status. Who knows? He came, I discovered some things about his body and sexual response that put the electric jolt in there.. we shared a few things during those hours. But overall, my friend left me abandoned without clues, and that made it not a good experience.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? No. I’ve had great ones, life changing ones, really shitty ones. I’ve been the one besotted, the one having to unlatch someone’s sticky hands, and also had experiences where everyone is on the level together. At this time I don’t have the energy for a relationship, a new one. Having to put a lot of pieces of my life back together. But neither are hookups really working well for me at this time. For the most part, the lack of connection and parity is a stumbling block for me just now.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I feel disappointed that my good buddy, who is capable of so much more and who always sought me out and kept me company, it troubles me that he left me in such straits. We *know* each other. Maybe someday I’ll approach and ask for a conversation. Overall, I tend not to do fwb, absolutely avoid fucking other people’s someone, and will more likely look for a passionate connection of human lovingkindness and no expectations. An agreement of being really present, giving your decency and humanity to it, and not having to act like a cold user to clip off any possible expectations. It has always worked before. Perhaps that day is done.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? It has always been a part of my life. I do have to say that at times I’ve used it to avoid the work of intimacy and my own crappy relationship repertoire. I’ve been on all sides of the “relationship criminal” fence, and prefer to not be somebody’s asshole anymore. I’ve enjoyed great sexual rendezvous throughout my life, and being unafraid of setting a ground rule of being very present often helped. Overall, of late, I find that something has changed in society. In the past five years, I’ve had more negative, mean-spirited and using/lying situations from hookups than in my entire life heretofore. I often talk deeply with lovers and get inside their heads. Younger lovers – in their 30s – tell me that people their age are very negatively impacted by porn and there’s a lot of assholery in their age group. I find that men in their 30s are impatient and even vicious – really engaging until they get where they want to be – between your legs, and then they want what they want the way they want it. This is why the conversations to ask these different men how they find the people in their own age groups, what is it like for them to be dating, masturbating, connecting – and I take them at their words, what they tell me. I’ve spent a lot of time also consciously courting and exploring men’s close-held fantasies, desires, fears. This had an unfortunate rebound effect on me in terms of “now I know way too much about the shit in your heads, guys, the way you really work – too much to feel unguarded and trustful anymore!” Hah. A long life of lots of great sex and a variety of experiences.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? No opinion. I think people seem to be approaching this like the Penthouse Forum, frankly, to judge by the entries I’ve read. I am also not sure it is appropriate – in my mind – to do merchandising around this. Either it’s research or it’s a gig. I come from clinical trials and social research, key informant interviewing, so have some lines around such.
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