by Melanie

Gender: Female
Age: 23
Race/ethnicity: White
Current location: Brooklyn
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (currently pursuing)
Occupation: Student/Counselor
Relationship status: Solo Poly
Religious affiliation: Buddhist
How religious are you? A little
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? Pansexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 100+
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

I Should Get The Fuck Over This

How long ago did this hookup happen? 6 months

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? Short fling

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? His Tinder profile says ” 6’2” Green Eyed son of mischief “, which is accurate. He’s leggy with long brown hair. We connected through OkCupid April 2014. He drunkenly finger-banged me and then disappeared. We reconnected Fall 2014 via Tinder. He had recently turned 40 and Halloween we spent the night exchanging pictures. Mine were much more explicit. He is the only person who has ever made me squirt so when we reconnected that fall I was willing to do anything to spend another night with him. He was mysterious, handsome, sexually experienced, intelligent, voice like molasses… everything I have ever wanted.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I don’t remember how exactly we started texting on Halloween, but we were planning to meet up. It was clear I was too drunk so we saved it for the following weekend. I was out bowling with my current long term partner and in the middle of a break up with my then primary. I lied to all of them about my plans for the evening because A wanted to meet at 2am. He’s a night owl.

He showed up at my apartment requesting I wear lingerie, so I put on black lace panties and a strappy bra. (couldn’t pull out the big guns quite yet…)

I guess planning was involved on my part. I had to rearrange my schedule for the 2am arrival time, but because of the power dynamics between us, I was accommodating for him. We got into the pattern of texting during the week. I would send him nudes, he would say something dirty, I would ask to meet up, he would give me a date. Day of he would tell me in the evening if we were still on and usually I would go to his apartment around 2am. I was making serious sacrifices to make this schedule work because the sex was so good and I liked being around him.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I would show up at his apartment and he would either offer me a drink or pin me to the wall and start groping me. We never really talked. We just started the second I walked in the door. I was extremely submissive and did everything he asked of me, without question. The only thing that I didn’t like was when he asked me to strip for him because I’m not very graceful and I felt I didn’t look very pretty doing it. We would make out and touch each other for a while. He was very dominant so he usually had me pinned down. Either with his body, or pressing my arms back or above my head, holding my neck to the wall… we never had a chance to experiment with restraints but it’s something I was open to. Often I’d be bent over his knee and he’d spank me and tell me how dirty and insatiable I am. Once he grabbed my hair and dragged/made me crawl to the bed (I loved that). We had oral and vaginal sex. He never went down on me because I have genital herpes and I don’t enjoy receiving oral. He was a fantastic lover. Outside of the bedroom we only really talked about what we were going to do next and what he wanted me to wear. Once he asked about having a three or foursome.

The end was the most bizarre and I replay it over and over again… we were making out on his couch and after a drink he said “So this is a pretty unusual arrangement we have here, I know like nothing about you” and I said “I know, that’s what makes it so exciting”. And it’s true, I had told him virtually nothing about my life and my work. I wasn’t ready. We stopped making out and talked a little about polyamory because he said he had questions. He knew at one point I had a primary and I explained that person and I split, but I was still seeing J (I’m still seeing him now, too!) He asked a couple of questions and talked about how he wanted someone to meet him where he is… so I asked where he is and I can’t remember how he answered. We were cuddling at this point. I miss this moment, but I remember feeling blindsided and like I answered incorrectly.

The night went on as usual and in the morning he kissed me goodbye and asked me to keep looking for three-foursome partners. I texted him as usual that week and began asking questions about how he wanted to threesome to go down (expectations, fears, was he even attracted to the girls I proposed? He wasn’t involved in the process at all) But he never responded. He literally just disappeared again. No contact. No reply, nothing.

Three months last I ran into him on the train and he hugged me but didn’t say anything. That hurt like hell. I missed him because I didn’t have to be anyone with him.

Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? Yes and yes. I orgasmed at least twice every time we hung out.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? We used condoms and I am on Valtrex. I told him about having herpes the day we met.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? Best sex ever. Sexy man. I kept it going because he satisfied something in me that I didn’t understand until after it was gone. He knew literally nothing about me. I have a history of physical abuse, suicide attempts (2), sexual assault (rape by a group of men…) and my mom is a prominent state politician. None of that baggage was presented to him. None of those things define me and with those experience in other people’s eyes I become someone I’m not… with him I was free of that.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? The first and second time we had sex I was extremely drunk. The last few times I was sober or had only one drink.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? My heart aches for that freedom and to explain myself to him. I feel like I did something wrong during our last conversation. If only I were more patient, more welcoming, what if I waited to share my opinion until after I fully understood his…

I expect nothing will happen. Likely I’ll never see him again, especially if I move away for graduate school. I HOPE he will contact me sometime before August. I’ve already reached out to him several times while intoxicated, texts I don’t really regret, just texts I find embarrassing now.

I’m still curious about him. I want to get to know him because I feel like I was robbed of that.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told everyone under the sun, except my parents. My friends are so open, so nonjudgmental they just let it go. My therapist is concerned about the way I’m holding onto it and my willingness to accommodate for him.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Yes it was consensual for both of us.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? No… I regret the way it ended and my immature response to suddenly having something I like taken away.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Best: the freedom, the orgasms, the easy alignment of our kinks.
Worst: the scheduling, having very little say in the schedule/times we met up, never knowing if he was going to respond.

It has changed the boundaries I set. I recognize I cannot find freedom in someone else because it is not sustainable. I was clearly in denial about how emotionally invested I was with him. And it’s not that I was necessarily emotionally invested in him, it was the dynamic that I craved and that was fleeting. I need to be secure with myself before having casual sex and when I do I need to be looking for pure pleasure, not to satisfy an psychological/emotional issue. Self worth and identity should come from within, not through strings of sexual encounters. I feel better knowing this about myself and if we meet again I would approach him differently. It would be just as casual but I would be secure in knowing that I was doing something I enjoy just because I enjoy it, not to feel desired or worthy or free.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

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