What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 30
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? U.S. – New York, NY
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? International Development Worker
What’s your current relationship status? Dating casually
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 8
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
Out of the blue
How long ago did this hookup happen? 4 years ago
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand
How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? She was average height, fit build, long black hair. She was half-white American, half-Japanese, nice smile.
We’d had a class together about a year prior, but never spoke. She’d emailed me randomly about a year later to ask about a project she’d seen I was working on and invited me for a drink. So we didn’t know each other all that well. I thought she was really attractive, and thought she was nice and fun while we were hanging out.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I think it probably began at the bar. We were having a good time and were getting a little flirty. We were sitting really closely turned toward each other on our stools, so our knees were touching. I started running my leg up her leg and she smiled, so I moved it further and further up her skirt. Eventually she told me she was “sorta” seeing someone. I moved my hand away and we kept talking. After we left, we walked around for a while, still flirting though. I eventually walked her home and we went up to her apartment.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We kissed and she pulled away, but eventually we were making out in her room. She started pulling my shirt off and then we started undressing each other. We started rubbing each other and I sucked on her breasts. She pulled away to get a condom from the drawer. I put it on and she climbed on top of me and rode me until I finished. I felt really turned on, I hadn’t ever had sex with anyone I hadn’t at least known a little for a while beforehand. I hadn’t really had many partners to that point, so it felt like I was catching up with the rest of the world. I also felt confident because she was so pretty and had such a great body, and I wasn’t always sure someone like that would want to be with me. And I also really loved how she took control. She acted really into me, but I don’t really remember a sense of emotional feeling coming from her. Affectionate without real affection, I guess. She was a good lover, it was fun. After we finished she rolled over and seemed really upset, almost ashamed. She couldn’t believe she’d slept with someone else. I asked her if she was ok, she said no. I ask her if she wanted me to leave, she said yes. So I got dressed and left.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, one
Did your partner have an orgasm? I don’t know
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I left and went home. I tried to feel upset about it, but I don’t think we did anything wrong. She said she and the other guy weren’t exclusive and were both into each other. I decided not to call her, given how it ended up. I thought it’d be worse to call or text since she was so upset about it. She did happen to show up at an event I co-organized a few weeks later. We just smiled awkwardly as I checked her in at the door, and didn’t speak that night. She emailed me a couple years later to ask me for some advice on a project she was working on and we met up again. I found out through mutual friends she was dating the other guy exclusively now and had been since we slept together. They’re actually married now. I met her for a couple drinks and it was fine. We didn’t talk about it, and we didn’t get flirty, just kept to work and generic catch-up questions. I hope she’s happy and has a nice life. And I hope she doesn’t regret the night we shared. I feel she’s a nice person with a lot of drive and passion, and if we were to run into each other, I think I’d be fine chit-chatting, but I don’t think I’d want to be with her romantically even if she weren’t married. That said, if she were single I wouldn’t be opposed to another hook-up.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, I don’t know if my partner was on any (other) method
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it
How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Two or three friends, women. They were surprised that I did that, but supportive. They were surprised at her reaction, but said they sorta got it.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Neutral
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? If I’m being honest, she had a great body and she was a lot of fun. And I liked that it wasn’t something I thought too much about. I didn’t overthink it or get anxious. It just happened.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Her seemingly regretting it immediately and throwing me out.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I think I always thought in principle casual sex is fine if both people are fine with it, but it was good to have the experience myself, too. I also feel that while I’m looking for a real partner and want to be with people I care about and who care about me, if that isn’t there then, it’s ok to just have fun once in a while without having to feel guilty or like it’s changing me.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I still smile about it sometimes. It was fun and atypical of me, so I’m glad it happened.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think it’s fine if both or everyone are fine with it and know what it is, and have similar expectations about where it could potentially go. I don’t think I could be someone who could do it all the time, but if that’s what others are into, it’s ok. As long as there’s respect and understanding, it’s ok. I do think it’s seen as suspect in society. I don’t think everyone’s as accepting and some can be really judgmental. I’d like to see that change. I don’t think we all need to have casual sex or make it a rite of passage, but I think if it became more normal people would be less judgmental toward each other and more open about sex generally.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think it’s an awesome platform. I never had an opportunity to think and talk about this with anyone like this and in such detail. I think the questions were really great, too. They helped organize my thoughts. I think it gives an insight into the part of society we don’t really get to see for real. We don’t have to worry about hushed tones.
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