What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 37
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Canada
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 40+
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
How long ago did this hookup happen? 11 years
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? At the time, we were part of the drug rehab community. She lived in a women’s only center and I’d moved out of rehab, renting a house with several others also recently out of rehab. Everybody was newly clean, hormones raging, desperate for attention. She was about my age, one of the younger women in her cohort, tall and thin, with a nervous, wide-eyed demeanor the way most people are in those circumstances. Everybody knew everybody, standing around smoking cigarettes before and after AA meetings, so I don’t know how we first talked, but I remember being at a Friday night sober dance and she was sitting on my lap and her body practically writhing with energy in need of an outlet. That is what getting sober is like – emotional surges, impulsive drives towards feeling pleasure. Walking down the street on a sunny day can feel like a decadent treat since you’ve been numb for however long.
The women in her rehab (which was very Christian and heavy-handed with collectivist moral accountability) didn’t approve of how physically close we were. They watched us closely, coming over and whispering in her ear. Also, she lived with her serious boyfriend back in the small town where she was from, so never mind the destabilizing effect a relationship can have on a newly sober person, flirting with me was crossing a line in regards to wider societal norms.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Thankfully I was well-liked by some of the women in her rehab (I’m kind of nice and non-threatening, also good-looking) so when she moved up a stage in her recovery program and was allowed out socially, depending on democratic approval from her support group, she was permitted to hang out with me during blocks of time daylight hours. First, there was a buddy system, we would sneak off when nobody was looking. I remember finding secret corners in a cavernous old church where meetings were held. Sliding our hands over each other’s bodies kissing deeply, whispered moans. Then she came over solo. We probably created stories about working on our 12 steps together or said we were going to meetings we knew nobody was likely to be there to confirm our attendance.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Alone in my bedroom, I remember we unleashed on each other. Kissing, tearing off our clothes, this was a long time coming. She smelled so wonderful, peeling off her tight jeans, her panties and bra seemed brand new bought in anticipation of this moment, it didn’t matter, we needed them off, kicked off the bed. I loved going down on her, slipping my tongue inside and up and my lips hungrily massaging her clit. Her thighs hotly hugging my face, her hands gripping my ass, her lips on my cock, bobbing back and forth. Wet sounds, moaning, we were so loud. Some of my roommates were women who recently went through the same rehab she was in, too, but we were past caring. When we fucked, it was the culmination of months of yearning. There had been looks, phone calls, texts, so much waiting. I felt completely lost to her and I could tell she was lost to me too. It was a summer and our sweat and sex mingled our bodies, vigorous thrusting abandonment. When we came we just started again, until our time was up and she was expected back at her rehab. I remember that first time, and many times after, she looked sort of surprised after our sex. Just sitting there, naked on my bed, blinking. We did this as often as we could that summer until it was time for her to go home, a plane ride away.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? She would often shake her head and say we should not do this, she was with somebody, he was waiting for her back home. I was sort of flippant brushing off those guilty feelings. I argued that she was in recovery, a respite from real life responsibility, don’t even think about it. We could just do this for a while, she can go home and live happily ever after later. I would quote famous lines about hedonism and freedom from morality and she would laugh and shake her head and call me bad. She went home to visit a few times and I think seemed a little hurt that I did not act competitive or bothered that she had had sex with her partner again, but her primary orientation was that I was the unimportant fling. After all her partner had an established life and stability, he never had substances issues, whereas I was just an unstable newly sober romantic with not much more than a way with words. I think I felt a sort of relief in this dynamic, that I was not to be taken seriously, and that lack of expectations opened me up to feel more fully present with her, also I thought it was hot that she had a boyfriend far away who I’d never meet, and that is why our connection/sex was so good. I remember I made insensitive gleeful remarks about this dynamic, like “it’s fine, this doesn’t matter,” and her face told me she was bothered by this. She would say “After this is over we can’t do this ever again, I am going to pretend this never happened, I won’t contact you, please understand and don’t take it badly.” I think I didn’t really take her seriously but when she went home for the last time at was it, she was gone.
These days thanks to social media we see and ‘like’ photos of each other’s happy stable lives. We are each married with kids now. It was silent between us for a long time but occasionally there is a brief pleasant comment or message.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Withdrawal, Condoms, Exchanged recent STI test results
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have
How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My roommates were aware and mildly disapproving mostly because people new in rehab are collectively discouraging towards relationships, also because she had a boyfriend, but they didn’t know the guy so it was almost like he didn’t exist. I think a few people living at her rehab knew too, same deal with them, but they kept it secret from the entire group.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The passionate intensity, the intimacy with the person, the beauty of it all. When I think about my past that was one of the experiences with the most fluidity, when I was really living.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The logistical inconvenience of her living in rehab with a bunch of lowest common denominator moralists (but without that, she would have been home far away with her boyfriend after all). Also the fact she was attached and had to reconcile that for herself however she did.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Oh, I don’t know, it probably did. I know that it is ideal to give oneself over to sex, gorgeous feelings of abandonment, disappear into the moment.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I hope she thinks about it like I do.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I am opposed to collectivist morality
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? A good forum
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