by Reluctant

Gender: Cis female
Age: 18
Race/ethnicity: white
Location: California
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
Occupation: Student
Religious affiliation: Christian non-denominational
How religious are you? Somewhat
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

sad-in-bed

Reluctance Gives

How long ago did this hookup happen? October last year

How would you best classify this hookup? Booty call, non-consenual

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? This guy and I had been sexually active a few times before but without having vaginal or oral sex. We met the year before when I was in high school. He was 2 years older. We were now at the same college. I thought he was attractive. Blonde, water polo player. I considered him a friend/hook up buddy. I felt that he wasn’t the most amazing guy but I could have sex with him because I knew him and he knew what he was doing.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We were texting. I wanted to come over and cuddle/make-out. He pretty much said that wasn’t worth it unless it was going to go farther.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? It started with just hands and kissing. After he gave me oral (without bringing me to orgasm), he started making me feel guilty about not returning the favor. Performing oral sex made me feel very, very uncomfortable and I didn’t want to do it. He kept trying to persuade me to do it because he’d done something for me, and saying I couldn’t just let him down like that; that a hand-job might as well have been nothing and this was a waste of time. He made me feel guilty and I didn’t want to leave in the middle of the night and walk a mile back to my dorm. Oral sex still made me too uncomfortable, so I asked if he had a condom and he got all excited and asked if I was sure, and I didn’t say anything. I never said yes. I just stayed quiet. I let him do his thing which was him going in and out of me with some effort and pain since I was drying out from not being interested. I  faked some moans and he finished in about 10 minutes. We talked a bit about positions, but it was mostly silent with some fake moaning and him asking me if I was okay. I did say I was okay.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? Condom

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I was a virgin. I was curious about sex. I wanted to kiss and do foreplay, but was talked into giving more because the other stuff “wasn’t worth it” to him. I thought he was hot. We’d hooked up before (not oral or vaginal sex).

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? No.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I felt horrible and alone and cold. He said he’d never smoked a cigarette after having sex before and wanted to try it, guilting me into letting him go outside and smoke, leaving me alone in the bed without a single cuddle or kind word, as I was freaking out having just lost my virginity and not even having enjoyed it. It was the most alone I’ve ever felt in my life. It made me dislike him in a cold, depressed way.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told a lot of my friends about it, but left out the part where I didn’t want to and I only did it because he made me feel guilty and I didn’t want to leave in the middle of the night and walk a mile back to my dorm. They said it’d get better.

When I finally told my best friend and current boyfriend the whole truth about what had happened my first time, he wanted to beat the shit out of the guy. With good reason. He’s the only one that knows.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? It started consensual, but moved into non-consensual. This was not an experience I wanted. I wanted to say no.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? Yes, because I felt violated, alone, and worthless. I consider it close to rape.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing about this hookup is that it definitely let me get my worst sexual experience out of the way and showed that guy’s colors for what they really are. The worst was that it was close to rape. It has changed my mind 100 times about what sex means, what rape is, and that sex is just overrated if its not with someone that you trust or is considerate.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

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