by Eve

Gender: Female

Age: 29
Race/ethnicity: White
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (currently pursuing)
Occupation: Grad student
Relationship status: Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Sex and Revolution

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 year

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? Sex with colleague during political crisis

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I was abroad for research, and met him through some fellow grad students. The first time I saw him, I thought he must be several years older than me, but it turned out that we’re the same age. He was eastern European, not very tall, with glasses, longish-hair, and the thin-yet-flabby body of a real intellectual. I was not attracted to him physically, but he was super fucking smart, and hilarious. Intelligence is a big turn-on for me. In this case I would say I admired him and found him a bit fascinating, but was not attracted to him even a little bit.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? About a week or so after we first met, the country where we were all doing research descended into a serious political crisis. One day, all the state institutions (archives, libraries, etc.) closed early to prepare for the weekend’s inevitable upheaval, and I wound up spending the day with this guy and our mutual friends. We were all kind of disoriented and didn’t know what to make of the whole situation, but we spent a nice day hanging out, day-drinking, speculating. That night we met up with some other people for someone’s going-away dinner, and I noticed that this guy kept staring at me from across the table. I didn’t mind and wasn’t embarrassed. When I got up to go home, he offered to catch a cab with me to make sure I got home safely. It wasn’t that weird, given the general atmosphere, although it was obvious at least to me that he had something in mind. When the cab got near my place, he asked if he could come in for some tea, because he was really tired. That was not a particularly slick move, but at this point I had decided that I felt like having crisis-sex; there was so much charged energy and uncertainty in the air, and it had been such a weird day, and this guy was so intense and bizarre. It felt like it would be a waste to go home and go to bed alone. I recall thinking that this guy was so weird, he might be into some interesting stuff, and I was curious.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)?How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I don’t remember exactly what happened between us getting to my apartment and the beginning of the hookup (not because I was drunk, I just don’t remember the details). I think he asked for an herbal tea, and I made it for him. It was obvious why he was there, and I kind of just wanted to get the show on the road. We started making out on the couch. He wanted to carry me to the bedroom, but he was not a very big guy and kind of dropped me, so I told him I would walk to the bedroom myself. We made out a little more, standing up, at which point he leaned in and murmured in my ear, “It’s been a long time for me.” That’s an incredibly unsexy thing to say to someone before you have sex. My heart sunk and I started to mentally brace myself.

In the bedroom, I gave him a condom and he asked me if I had any “big” condoms. That would not be the only time he would ask for affirmation about how big his penis was. (It was big enough, but I hadn’t really noticed one way or another.) There was no foreplay other than making out before he put his penis inside me, but I didn’t care and it wouldn’t have helped my arousal level at that point. He didn’t support his own weight while we were having sex, so his body was smushed right up against mine. The weather was hot, so our bodies made very unappealing suction-y sounds as he slid up and down. Fortunately, it didn’t last very long and he came after a couple of minutes in the same missionary position we had started in. I did not orgasm, which is normal, but in this case the sex was not even pleasurable.

He spent the night and I felt bad because I was too repulsed to let him hold me or even touch me, but I tried to play it off like it was because of the heat. In the morning he asked for a coffee, and then corrected my coffee-making technique. Over the next few days, the political situation around us got pretty crazy. He was calling every day to check up on me and see if I wanted to get together. I appreciated that he was concerned for my safety, but didn’t want to have sex again, and around the fourth day I stopped making excuses and told him I wasn’t interested in sleeping together again. Later that day, he sent me a four-part text message containing a half-teasing, half-bitter poem about me that he had apparently just composed. It was jaw-droppingly good. I’ll admit that I was seriously impressed, though not at all turned on. The next day, I was told that I would have to leave the country because of the political situation, and when this guy called to ask if he could come over to say goodbye, I said ok. This time, he asked me to sit on his lap while he read to me from a literary classic which I have now forgotten. We went to the bedroom again. He announced that he had just cum in the process of putting on the condom. He asked me to blow him till he got hard again, which didn’t take long. As with the last time, the sex was short and squelchy. The day after that, I left the country.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? We used condoms and I have an IUD. We did not discuss history.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I had gotten out of a serious relationship about eight months earlier, and since then had an awesome run of fun, positive hookups with interesting people that had usually ended naturally and amicably. These experiences had been incredibly affirming,  and I was very happy to be single and able to freely experiment for the first time in several years. I learned a great deal about my sexuality and preferences, and felt like I was on a roll. I liked the idea of an otherwise-implausible hookup at this moment when it seemed like the world around us had gone completely nuts.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? We both had had a couple of drinks on both occasions, but neither of us was drunk either time.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I saw him for an evening several months later in the country I had relocated to. He was in town for a few days, and tried to orchestrate another hookup but that was definitely not going to happen. After he left that city, I friended him on Facebook, but he never accepted my request and I haven’t heard from him since. I feel bad, since that was a very passive-aggressive move on my part. I expect I might run into this person again, since we have some common friends and study the same place, but it will probably be uncomfortable. I feel a bit guilty because I initially assumed that the hookup would be totally casual, but then had to reject him more than once.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told my mom and one or two friends who don’t know the guy involved. They thought it was pretty funny and cringeworthy, which it was.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Both times were mutually consensual, but it seems like both of us had mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I don’t regret the hookup, but I regret not calling him out on some BS in the moment and then treating him sort of callously afterwards.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing about the hookup was definitely the poem. Also the whole encounter fit with the disastrous political moment we were all living through. The worst thing about it is that I didn’t always feel like this guy respected me, and I didn’t stand up for myself. This was my first hookup that was really actively un-fun in the moment, and it showed me that I should pay more attention to chemistry and attraction when choosing sex partners (although I’ve made the same mistake a couple more times since then, mainly out of boredom).

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!