Afraid That This Is Permanent



What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 34
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Teacher
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Gay/lesbian
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? Hundreds
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Afraid that this is permanent

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 week

What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Jose (fake name) is a very cute Dominican — shorter than me (I’m 6’5, he’s probably 5’9), toned muscular body, dark skin, and with a brilliant laugh. We met after talking briefly on Grindr, going out for beer and pizza nearby before coming back to my apartment and doing the deed. I had only been in the country less than a week, and I was (and am still) looking to experience this very sexy culture (e.g., be a slut). I basically found him attractive and wanted to bang.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? After some light hand-touching and -holding while out for beer, it became obvious that at the very least we would be making out that night. He showed me some of his modeling photos on his phone, which included very alluring shots of his really tight body. We hadn’t explicitly discussed having sex prior to meeting, but let’s be honest, on Grindr that’s almost always the expectation.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? After we moved from passionate kissing on the couch to stripping down in the bedroom, he took a more aggressive role and pushed me to my knees so that I could blow him. Like most Dominicans, he’s got a pretty huge dick, so I was more than happy to oblige. He also returned the favor, which was great, and before long asked for a condom and lube so he could fuck me, which I also submitted to without a fight. He’s a good lover and brings the passion you might expect out of a guy like him. I was a little miffed that he came and I didn’t, but I don’t always require that of sex. It ended with us lying tenderly beside each other, kissing and touching, and then I called him an Uber to get him home.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I felt just fine about it and looked forward to seeing him again for more sex. Dominicans, like most Latino cultures, however, are very relationship-oriented, and so on our second meeting a few days later, he got that puppy-dog look in his eyes and played some very romantic Spanish songs on his phone, insinuating to me that he was ready to dive into something very serious. I since had to talk to him about how that is not what I am looking for, but my intermediate-level Spanish might not have fully conveyed my feelings to him. We have spent time together since then, not always sexually, and I do genuinely like him as a person, but I know that right now I am not looking to dive into a serious relationship. And I genuinely worry that I am going to hurt him if I continue to see him when I only want sex and he might still think we are going somewhere farther.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Making new friends, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told a couple of friends about it. They didn’t have any strong reactions other than applauding my early Dominican exploits. This is pretty much par for the course.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Do you regret this hookup? A little bit

Why do you regret this hookup? He wants more out of it than I am willing to give, and I’m not trying to do this if we both can’t be on the same page. I just want to be a horny adult enjoying another horny adult.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? His big dick.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The emotional attachment that it seems to have brought.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? It has made me explore the reasons why I continue to reject the possibility of romance. I don’t know how much longer I can believe it when I tell myself that I’m just not in a place for something serious. Prior to my last boyfriend (6 months; ended in June of this year) I had willfully not entered into a serious relationship for something like 7-8 years. And even though Jose is a great guy and would possibly be very good for me on an emotional level, I still find that my knee jerk reaction is to run away from his advances and keep having sex with more hot Dominicans with huge dicks.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I remain torn between whether casual sex is a liberating approach to adulthood, or whether it is a seriously damaging presence in my life as well as in many others’ lives. I am quite certain, in fact, that a big reason why dating is so hard in the gay community now is that we ALL (not all, but you know, mostly all) keep looking for the next best thing, the next rush, the next sexual high, and that we can no longer be happy with what we have. And I am very much a part of that trend.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? As I just moments ago started reading about it in the New Yorker, I find it to be important work and I’d like to follow up on it and see how it all aggregates into a broader commentary on modern romance and sexuality.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!