Editor’s Note: This story contains detailed information about and in-depth descriptions of anorexia and behaviors associated with eating disorders which may be triggering to readers.
by Just a guy
What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 33
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Montreal
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your current relationship status? Single
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 9
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 1
How long ago did this hookup happen? earlier this summer
What was your relationship status at the time? Dating casually
How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For 1 to 3 years
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I described “Tanya” in my previous story from a year ago called “Fuck Friends?”
She is the younger sister of one of my best female friends. I started hooking up with Tanya because I thought she was very attractive and I really liked her. My best female friend stopped talking to me because I was dating her sister, but I couldn’t care less, I really wanted Tanya.
When we met, Tanya was 28-years-old, petite, about 160 cm (just under 5 foot 3), and slim. I liked her because she had model looks and is super smart, working in management consulting. Despite her looks, I soon learned why she could not hold down any boyfriends. She is very selfish, but then I learned more. She is also anorexic. She has issues which I was never able to figure out. She would go hot and cold about a relationship. Sometimes she would like me to stay over (she would never stay over at my place). Other times, she just wanted to be alone. Soon I learned why. She binges on food and she doesn’t want me to see that. She would buy and horde food and not even touch it, or binge on it and throw up, and a lot of other sad practices which I won’t go into. I told her I would do anything to help her. I even joked that any time she feels like binging or working off calories, we could fuck instead. I really enjoyed having sex with her, but she just ignored me. Over the years, we were in a FWB relationship and she just kept getting skinnier.
The other reason she never wanted an on-going relationship was because I think she was fucking other guys casually. That really hurt to learn. I found that out because one night, she came to my place, running away from her co-worker, who I also know. She told me that he invited her back to his place after work to smoke some weed, and then he got sexually aggressive with her, at which point she left. Good for her! I saw a ripped part of her top. I could have gone over to his place and punched him out, but that wouldn’t solve anything. Tanya can take care of herself, but she worked with this guy. How did she get into that situation in the first place if she wasn’t out to fuck other guys? What other stories don’t I know? I am sure there are others because there’s a lot she doesn’t tell me.
Our “relationship” if you can call it that was deteriorating. I only stayed in it, because I hate to admit this, but I loved her, and I wanted to help her, and I loved having sex with her, but she was just using me (and probably other guys, I’ll never know) to deal with her sense of lack of self-worth. Over the past year, she got comfortable telling me how much rough sex she likes: me fucking her against the wall, tying her hands up, or just pounding her doggy style and pulling on her hair. We didn’t use a condom. She never wanted it, and I knew she never had any birth control either. That was okay by me, because I secretly wanted her to get pregnant, because maybe that would force her to settle down and help her get over her issues. However, now that I had the suspicion that she was fucking other guys, I worried whether I could pick up an STD/STI. Funny thing was, she never got pregnant, despite the amount of sex we had. Now that I look back, I think her anorexia simply shut down her reproductive system.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Our fuck buddy calls were similar to the way we had sex for the last time. One night, in the middle of the week, she texted me around 10 o’clock at night saying “I want to be fucked.” So, of course, I dropped everything and went over.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? As soon as she let me into her place, she told me to tear her clothes off and fuck her doggy style; no foreplay, no condom. She just wanted me to grab her hips and pound bareback into her, then grab her hair and pound into her, and to spank her. I finally came inside her, which she wanted. As soon as that happened, she just yelled at me to leave her alone and to leave. I barely had time to grab my clothes and put them on, and then I was out of her place. She was curling up on the sofa when I left.
I was wondering what the FUCK just happened? I felt miserable. I was almost crying. I could imagine she was crying as well, still curling up on the sofa. I tried to call and text her, but she did not respond.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, one
Did your partner have an orgasm? I don’t know
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I tried to contact her the next day but got no response. Finally, I just emailed her and told her how I felt about her, and that this was not healthy, and that I don’t want to see her again. I said if she ever wants to get together and heal, I will be right there for her 200%, but I never heard back from her. Since her sister was not talking to me, I have no idea what’s going on anymore. I need to block this out of my life and move on.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None
What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more
How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Just here, hoping that anyone else in this situation can understand that this shit happens. I can’t tell anyone else and I don’t want to tell anyone else.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat
Why do you regret this hookup? I didn’t want to have sex like this. I was always into satisfying her, making her happy, and maybe helping her, but this was just feeding some need of her to be used and abused. That last sexual experience was only helpful in that I got to see this side of her. There were parts of this, like her anorexia, that she was starting to reveal to me, maybe as she got to know and trust me. One side of me wanted to believe that if she trusted me this much, it would lead to something more relationship-wise, and to a path of recovery, but another side tells me that this is just giving her access to more bad habit-enabling practices.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Absolutely nothing at all. It was miserable. This is not healthy.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The bad parts are pretty obvious. Just read the whole account.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? There are so many stories about how everyone enjoys great casual sex. I have difficulty believing those stories to be true. Maybe some of them are, and good for them. If you find a positive outlet, you stumbled into a good place. I wish it was like that for me too. The drivers of casual sex are psychological issues, and I think more often than not, they are manifested in negative outcomes rather than positive ones.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? The stereotype or archetype is for a woman to want a man who turns out to be not interested in committing and is probably screwing a lot of other women, whether that is true or not about the man. In reality, I think this sentiment goes both ways. A man just doesn’t want to reveal his desire to have a healthy long term relationship. There are bad boys and bad girls, and those may have deep psychological issues. It is just sad that this happens. For a woman like Tanya, who is stunningly beautiful and smart, I know it is not just me, but lots of otherbetter-lookingg guys, more alpha and more successful guys, more affectionate guys and so on who would love to have a healthy relationship with her and would want to help her. She could have her pick, and she has, because she was never able to hold on to any boyfriends. She is rejecting all guys, which is how I got her attention. Realizing this adds to my misery that to her, I am not any more special than anyone else.
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