First and Last FWB

by Mary

What’s your gender? Female
How old are you? 24
What’s your race/ethnicity? East Asian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Student
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 3
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

First and Last FWB

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 year ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He’s Indian, and we met at the new student orientation and hit it off really well. We talked for a long time that day while we explored the new campus together after the orientation. I didn’t know anyone in the new university and really wanted to make friends. He’s very nice and friendly, and we had good conversations, and I was happy thinking I made a new friend.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? When we were walking around campus and talking, he tried to put his hands on the small of my back a couple times when we were crossing the street, which made me a bit uncomfortable because I felt he was interested in me. I was only interested in making a friend, but I thought it could also just be a gentleman gesture. I hate leading people on when I’m not interested, so I brought it up that I broke up with my ex a few months ago, felt that relationships were tiring, and didn’t want another relationship at all. He said he was in the same situation as me, which made me feel better. At the end of the day, we exchanged numbers and then separated.
He texted me almost every day since then, so it was clear that he was interested in me. It really confused me because he told me he also thought relationships took too much time, energy, and personal space and didn’t want another one. I really just wanted to make friends, so I usually texted back. We hung out another time next week, and he suggested to have a drink after. I agreed, and we went to a pub near campus. It was not a weekend, so it was quiet there. After having pleasant conversations over a drink, we separated. After I got home, he texted me saying that he really wanted to kiss me but didn’t have enough courage to do so. I really like guys being open, sincere, and a bit bold like this, and I thought what he did was really cute, but I just replied that I didn’t want a boyfriend or relationships without saying anything else. He said he didn’t either.
He still kept texting me every day. One day he texted, “Want to cuddle?” I refused and apologized for leading him on (the last thing I ever want to do is to lead people on). He said I didn’t lead him on, and it was ok, and we can just keep being friends. We met the next day (1 week after first meeting) and sat on my bed and talked. While we had really good conversations, he sat closer and closer to me and tried to touch me. I didn’t refuse, and we ended up making out and cuddling. It felt great. I told him I didn’t want to have sex, and he was fine with that. He wasn’t expecting sex, not even making out, which I appreciated because I don’t like feeling pressure.
We continued to have make out sessions during next 2-3 weeks. For me, I have to have an emotional connection at a certain level to just feel like I want to have sex. Before I feel that way, even heavy make out sessions that feel really good don’t lead me to wanting to have sex. I think I’m on the spectrum of being demisexual. Other than making out, we also talked a lot and kept having good conversations.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? About 2-3 weeks after we first made out, one day we were making out on my bed, he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said yes. At that point, we knew each other pretty well, and I grew to trust him a lot. He would not do anything without my explicit consent and always respected me, and we knew each other’s complete sexual and romantic history. I wanted to test if he was expecting sex so I asked him if he had a condom. He said no. I laughed a bit inside and said I had some. My residence hall gave those to me and I thought I’d never use them. He asked again if I was truly ok, and told me to tell him stop at any point if I feel even a bit uncomfortable. I respect this of him, because honestly my previous and later official boyfriends did not do this as well as him. We had sex and I have never come when having sex in my life, but he came. We cuddled a bit and he left.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We had sex for five or six times. We were always clear that we were friends-with-benefits, and we are very open and honest about it. We agreed that we would stop if one of us found someone else. He would make sure that I wasn’t getting attached. I said no, but I lied. I was obviously getting emotionally attached to him. Every text from him made me really excited, and I would feel down if he didn’t text me or meet with me. All I wanted was his attention, and I wanted to talk to him instead of only having sex when we meet. I wanted to have a casual relationship with him, in which we would date and have sex without getting serious. I knew clearly I was not falling in love and didn’t want a serious relationship with him, and it was only emotional attachment. I always clearly knew I didn’t want a serious relationship with him. There’s definitely something missing, but it still hurts me when I don’t get enough attention from him. I was scared and frustrated, but I was not able to call an end to it. He got distant later, which hurt me too.
Fortunately, he called an end to it. One day we went out to a bar downtown, and he told me he got back with his ex-girlfriend, and we should go back to just being friends. I was sincerely very happy for him, because he liked her a lot. I was also happy that he was distant not because he lost interest in me, but because he was trying to work out his relationship with his ex, and the friendship between us is still strong, which is what I cared about. We had good conversations once again and went back home eventually.
I realized why I was feeling sad, hurt, and frustrated: I felt like he was using me as a sexual object instead of being real friends. I want my “inside” to be appreciated. He sought out FWB for physical pleasure, and I didn’t because I was seeking emotional closeness. My emotional attachment to him stayed for a while even after he was back with his ex, but it eventually faded away and we were just friends since then. Later he broke up with his ex again and I got a new boyfriend, but then we broke up. We’re both single now and still are just friends. He was my first FWB and probably the last too.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, Making new friends

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told my best friend. She was surprised at first but after listening to the whole story, she reacted positively to it. All she cared about was whether I got hurt and because I got out of this FWB peacefully and I was positive, she was happy for me for having this experience.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? We were real friends and we have real emotional connection. I explored casual sex with someone who care about me and I really trust him. We’re still friends. It was good experience.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I got emotionally attached and didn’t tell him at the time. However, I was not very attached and was able to get out of it. I told him much later, and he said he didn’t know.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I realize that for me, sex leads to emotional attachment, partly because I have to be emotionally connected to the person to have sex in the first place. Emotional attachment to a FWB hurts, even though I was never romantically interested in him and the attachment faded away eventually. I was inexperienced sexually and wanted to explore. I really trust him and knew he would never take advantage of me, so I agreed to be FWB with him. It was a good experiment and I always looked at it positively without any regret, but casual sex is not for me.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think casual sex is fine and can be a good experience, as long as you can separate sex and emotions. It’s just not for me, and other people should do it carefully. I really wasn’t looking for physical pleasure. I want emotional closeness, and I should look for that in a different way.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!