Friendship Ruined



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 24
What continent do you live on? South America
What country and/or city do you live in? Brazil
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Student, with a lot of side jobs
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (open)
Religious affiliation: Lapsed Catholic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 3
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Friendship Ruined

How long ago did this hookup happen? Five months ago

What was your relationship status at the time? In a relationship (open)

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For 1 to 3 years

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was my first and only friend in college and one of my very few acquaintances since I moved to a new city. He has lived here all his life, so he has a whole life and circle of friends while I am pretty much alone and away from friends and family. Since I am pathologically shy, I did not really make any other friends in college other than him; he did, but whenever I showed up to class, I would tend to monopolize his attention. He is insanely rich, and that makes me weirdly uncomfortable. I really liked him and respected him as an intelligent person, but he also kind of weirded me out; I found it difficult to look at him while we talked. I guess I could understand why people would find him attractive, but I was definitely not attracted to him: his face is weird, he breathes weird, I don’t know. For the first two years of college, our friendship had a very sexless vibe to it.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? When this school year started, everything had changed. I guess I was especially vulnerable and struggling with my grades, and was a little bit starved for physical contact since my SO lives in another state. My SO and I had not seen each other in a while, and I also realized being away from the few friends and family I have back home means I can go weeks/months without touching anyone in any sort of affectionate way. So I guess I wanted to upgrade our friendship to include a few hugs in the middle of the day when I was feeling sad. He responded to it in a surprising way, stroking my hair and my neck, and I was intrigued. One Friday, in particular, it felt obvious that there was something there, and so I impulsively decided to go to a college party (a thing I never do) because I knew he would be there. We kissed after just a few beers; I was weirded out by all this, and he kept trying to reassure me.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? What followed was three months of the worst sexual encounters of my life. The first time I took him home, and he couldn’t get hard. I thought it was just because we were drunk, but soon I realized it was a very deep issue with him. He would be all horny and putting my hand over his pants, and then cum within seconds – that is, unless I indicated that I wanted to do something a little less boring than that because then he would get super nervous and consequentially get soft forever. It was so weird. He tried making it all about me, and eventually, he gave me some decent, though uninspired oral. This did not last very long. I thought maybe he would get over his nerves, but it only got worse. He wanted to talk about the relationship all the time, to know what every little thing meant, and as time went on, he became increasingly desperate, sending me dozens of texts every day. I had to reassure him that all this bad sex was ok, all while he pushed me to get into some sort of commitment even though I clearly said I only wanted a FWB-type arrangement, and even though we hadn’t even had decent sex yet. Finally, the last straw came one day when we went to the movies and he came back to my place during a week night. I was kind of sick, and once we got to my bedroom I realized I just wanted to sleep. He was super horny though and after some dirty talking, I told him to fuck me (mainly because I was feeling too tired to jerk him off or to blow him, but also because I was getting impatient). We reached for the condoms and he made the weirdest face and I was like, “did I hurt you?” It turned out that he had cum just from me touching his dick to get the condom on. It was weird and humiliating this time. I had told him that I liked to have guys cum on my tits and my face, so he said, “I still have some cum here, where do you want me to give it to you?” I misunderstood the question and thought he meant he was still hard and could cum again, so I said, “wherever you want.” It turned out that all he meant was that he had cum on his hand, so he kind of threw the cum in my belly. It was so strange and embarrassing and the opposite of hot. Then he insisted he should give me oral since it was obvious I was anything but satisfied, and since he felt bad for insisting in having sex and then not delivering. I ended up accepting the offer, and it was awkward and terrible. Since he had already cum, he was even less inspired than usual, and before I was even remotely close I noticed he was already tired and bored and resting his head on my thighs. It was even more embarrassing and humiliating, so I stoped the whole thing and went to get some tea (since I was sick and my throat was sore). We ended up cuddling and while I tried to sleep he kept talking about how sexy I was that I made him cum so fast and whatnot and that he had sex that good, and I was like, dude, wtf? He kept demanding kisses and little intimacies as if the sex was not the most awkward thing ever.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The next day we went to class and I asked for a break; he kept texting me anyway. I finally got the guts to break up with him and he was kind of devastated, cried a lot, but at least he did not text me anymore. I developed this weird repulsion of him now. It is hard to remember that in the beginning he was clear about wanting to pursue a relationship but in a cute, kind of confident way. He became so clingy so fast and it became so clear that he had lied to me about being experienced in bed. I really wonder if he had actually had real sex before me, even just one-minute blowjobs and weird jerking off in public places. I got really tired of reassuring him about what was obviously disastrous sexual encounters. In the end, I think our friendship is ruined. We did not talk during the break and I am really anxious about seeing him again.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) No penetrative sex happened

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Learning new things, experimenting, I was feeling lonely, Boredom, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, It was easy/convenient

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? A little bit

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I talked about it with my friends and my mom, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell the details. I thought it was too humiliating.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat

Why do you regret this hookup? It took a nice friendship and left only smoking ruins in its place.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Well, I guess it was fun in the beginning when it seemed it could get better.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? That he grew desperate and obsessed and did not seem to realize how awful and embarrassing it was.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I always wanted to try casual sex, and this looked like it could work and be a safe way to experiment. I never really believed it could ruin a friendship. I always thought this was an excuse people used when they did not reciprocate a friend’s feelings. It turns out that I was wrong. I am really frustrated, and wondering if I am not cut out for casual sex, but I think I might give it another try.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I don’t understand the stigma, and I am happy to see it is fading away. I especially admire straight women who can state their wants and needs clearly and navigate a sexist world while having all the casual sex they want, without fear of being “used” by men. I don’t even think the concept of ‘being used’ makes sense, if you wanted the sex and enjoyed it in the moment; I think it comes from an outdated idea that women “lose” something when they have sex. In a personal level, I am somewhat jealous of people who can get casual sex easily, straight and LGBT alike. I feel like I would like to experiment with it before I get overly serious with my SO (at the moment, our relationship is open, but we would like to move in together sometime in the future). But the truth is I don’t know where to start.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It is awesome.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!