by Millicent Barnes
Gender: Female
Age: 29

Race/ethnicity: Turkish
Location: Istanbul
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (currently pursuing)
Occupation: Phd student
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

How long ago did this hookup happen? Continues for the last few months

How would you best classify this hookup? Sexual friendship

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? We met in a bar, we talked a bit, he asked my number and I gave it. Then, he called me and we started seeing each other. For both of us the most intriguing part was (is) the physical attraction. He was (is) a very handsome guy. We never truly talked about the modality of the relationship, but it was clear from the beginning for me that it was mostly about sex. We did see each other once in a week or so, that continued for a month and a half. I stopped it at one time because I started to feel controlled. He had the tendency to determine when and where we would see each other, also using his 3 year-old girl as an excuse. I felt that he was the type that would be very demanding in a relationship and his love might be dangerous for me and my independence. I made it clear that it was a sexual friendship before asking to stop seeing each other. So, it was me who talked about the modality of the relationship the first time. He seemed sad, but accepted it.

A month later I called him saying that I wanted to have sex. Since then, every now and then we spend a night together. I see him basically as a friend. We talk about our ex-es, future plans etc. It is like having a not-very-close friend you see from time to time and enjoy having a cup of coffee together and talking about life in general. Just, instead of having a cup of coffee, we have sex. As simple as that and it is beautiful.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Well, the hookup begin in the bar with a small chat and exchange of numbers. I would say physical attraction led to it. Planning is involved in the sense that we are both occupied. We plan it at least a week before we see each other. We both instigate it now. Sometimes I call him saying I missed him or I want to have sex with him and we arrange a date. Sometimes, he calls or texts me to have a rendezvous.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Vaginal and oral sex. I have from the beginning felt good having sex with him. We do not avoid affections during sex, which is not very typical for a hook-up. I love to have the courage to show affections without any implications of attachment. I have orgasm with him all the time since the first hook-up. He is nice and respectful to me all the time. He is a good lover, the way he makes love to me is impersonal, but in a good sense, mostly ritualistic. Well, it continues, but it will end I guess when I move out of town.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? Preservative. We did not discuss it, but we have always used preservatives.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? For the last one and a half years, I choose not to be ‘the girlfriend’ of anyone. I have always been in a relationship in my life and I want to try the single life, which seems to suit me better. He is a very handsome man with a life and occupations of his own. He does not attach and he is not possessive. We have good sex together without fears of misunderstanding.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? Not much. We eat and drink some wine beforehand.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Good. Sometimes the day after or a few days, I think of him and the possibility of being together, but then the feeling goes away and I return to my daily preoccupations. My expectation would be to stay in touch somehow. He is a friend in the end, it is always good to keep friends.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My roommate. I generally talk about my choice to remain single and have hook-ups – I have had other hook-ups in the meanwhile. We mostly talk about this choice, not particular adventures.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Yes, sure.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? No, I don’t. I mostly regret hook-ups if the sex is bad.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing is to see that we can be affective during the time we see each other and let go when we return back to our lives. It is good to have a life of my own without the requirement of publicly presenting any lover as ‘mine.’ The worst thing…. there is not much of a bad thing actually. When you don’t except anything from anyone, you don’t make false investments and you really be a friend in a neutral way. With him, I saw that it is possible to have good feelings to someone without the bad sides of a relationship like jealousy, possession, rage etc.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? The single life with multiple sexual possibilities is an option that every woman should try. There is no ‘one’ way of loving anyone. Couple life and marriage are imposed to us as the ‘only real’ way to love and share, but there are various ways to have fulfilling relations with others that do not include negative affections as jealousy and rage.

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