by Utterly confused
What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 24
What’s your race/ethnicity? Southeast Asian
What continent do you live on? Asia
What country and/or city do you live in? Bangkok, Thailand
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Startup employee
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Buddhist
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? –
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 1
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
My (half) first time
How long ago did this hookup happen? Last month
What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status
How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits
How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? (Warning: my story might be too detailed for your research but I just feel like telling you the whole story. I also want to tell you the little things that means something to me because I feel like I need to take this out of my chest and, hopefully, maybe you have an answer to why am I feeling like this)
This is a story about my first sexual encounter ever – which also happens to be a casual one. Before this, I never went anywhere further than the first base.
I will refer to my partnef as S. He is a 24-year-old white German guy – tall, smart, and athletic. He went to Harvard and was in rugby team.
I and S met through a mutual friend. I went to a summer program in Stanford in 2014 and met K – a rising junior from Harvard (K is the mutual friend) in the program. This year, K just graduated so he and his friends came to Bangkok – my hometown – for a ‘hangover’ graduation trip. K called me to give him and his friends a tour around Bangkok. S, who didn’t come on the trip with K but happened to be in Bangkok, saw that K’s name appeared on ‘friend nearby’ list so he joined my tour too.
We went to bars and had a walking tour at night. We all get along really well but the others didn’t interest me as much as S. K and his friends just graduated and was applying for the first job while I and S had 2 years experience in working world so I think it’s pretty natural for us to be more compatible. S has this cool easygoing atmosphere around him without feeling overly crazy. I never knew him before but, somehow, he made me feel like it’s safe to tell him things and to be silly around him. It’s worth mentioning that I don’t feel this way easily and I think that’s why I’m still a virgin at the age of 24.
After the group split, S took a taxi with me because his hostel is near my condo. We flirted all the way in the cab so before I went up to my room. He pulled me in for a unusually long hug and it just felt weird if we wouldn’t kiss. So I tell him we should kiss and he was like YES! We kissed and it was a good deep kiss. He asked if I’m really going to go to bed. Never the one with hookup experience, I said no. However, he was so qualified in every aspect I think my partner should have so I was very tempted. He then said that he never has a girlfriend and never plans to change that. That was a bummer because I’m totally not into any casual sex thing. I told him that I’m not interested in casual sex but, since I really like him as a person, I told him that we should hangout later.
He was ok with that arrangement and left.
That was the night we met.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We hung out a few more time during the week. He actually refer to those times as dates but, in my opinion, isn’t date for couple? Or at least people who is dating and interested in relationships – not the dead end like ours. Somehow I always accept his invitation to go places and, once, even initiated a ‘date’. At the end of the week, he told me that his Singaporean friend is going to visit Bangkok for a business trip. His friend is gay and wanted to go to gay bars so he asked if I can know gay bars and can show his friend the place. I asked my gay friends and we agreed to go with S and his friend. Long story short, there was limited number of straight people in the bar and S was wasted. He ended up shirtless on the bar’s stage. He pulled me up to the stage with him fingered me, forced me to kneel and kiss his crotch, spanked me, did all the ‘Magic Mike’ and ‘Mr. Grey’ moves (he is athletic and was in national dancing competition in high school years). He told me he’s into BDSM and public sex. I should be scared, trembled, and felt humiliated at this point but, funny enough, I wasn’t. Instead, I was so turned on and realized that I’ve just found out that I have weird kink in the weirdest and most public way possible. Not long after that, the club closed. He urged to go back with me but, despite me being extremely turned on, I rejected. I just want to be sure that I want this to happen and I wouldn’t regret later.
I went back home and considered about it for days. I told friends that I think they could help but they only tell me that it’s the decision I have to make myself. They say I should do what I wouldn’t regret later. But how could I know if I would regret it? I thought about it hard but still wasn’t clear if I wanted it to happen. In the mean time, he texted me sorry that we was nasty to me the other day and he was wasted. I said it’s ok. Just like that I realized I needed this to happen so I asked him if he’s free tomorrow.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end?
On Tuesday, we met up and I confessed that what happened at the gay bar woke up a part of me that I didn’t even know was there. He listened carefully asked if I’m a virgin and told me that it was a good idea to start with him (I think he really meant it. He wasn’t persuading me.) He’s experienced and very non-judgmental. He told me basic knowledge about sex in a very educational way. He said it’s ok to say no at anytime and I shouldn’t do anything I don’t want to. He acknowledged that this is a big decision for me and he felt honored that I chose him. Again, he made me feel safe. He confirmed that it was a right decision to do this with him and I still feel that way. However, I told him I’m afraid that I might feel emotionally attached to him. He said it’s ok we’re bound to feel attached to people we spend intimate time with and he feels that with many people. I don’t get this point. I think this is the main point that caused me what I’m feeling now.
Later that day, we went to my condo but I was menstruating at the time so he suggested cuddling and maybe a hand/blowjob if I want. I get naked with a man the first time in my life. It should feel special but it wasn’t. He ensured me again that I can say no to whatever and whenever I want. We cuddled and I gave him a handjob that escalated to a blowjob. I enjoyed it so much. He said I’m a natural. He seemed relaxed and said he never thought he could make anyone so happy just by giving him a blowjob. I was really happy. I love seeing his face when he’s about to cum but other than that it’s pretty underwhelming. Nothing life changing. It’s not THE sex in the movies.
After that we had mexican food and we went back to each other’s place. I felt lonely. This is totally not what it should feel like in the movies. I learned that I want more than just sex. I want intimacy. I want my partners to stay the night. I want coffee in the morning with cuddling in the afternoon. Not like this.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little
Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? He disappeared the whole week. I felt so bad that he didn’t contact me. I assumed so many things like was I good? But he said I was naturally talented. Was he with anyone else? Honestly, I don’t care. I like him but if he doesn’t want it long term then me neither. I felt the difference between us wouldn’t make the relationship work anyway so I think it’s best the way it is. Still it bothers me that he never texted. So I texted him on Friday if he wanted to meet up. He said yes and he came to my place said he was in a cuddling mood not sexy mood. He stayed the night but we only cuddled. We went on a date the next day and ended up at my place again. This time he properly laid me down and fingered me. It still felt the same but ok but not that good. I needed to finish it myself after he said he’s tired and fell asleep. I truly don’t know if this is normal for guys or he’s a jerk.
The morning after tho, that was the best he woke up and ate me out. I gave him another blowjob. I know that day was a good day 🙂
The whole week after that, we do this but never went homerun. I knew he wanted it so badly but something in me kept saying it is good the way it is. So I said no every time and he went along with it. I could tell he’s frustrated.
Now, your questions ask about my expectations and how I feel about him now. This is the most conflicted part because, honestly, I never want to be with him long term. I know we are compatible as a friend but not more than that. He claims he doesn’t want to have a girlfriend ever. I’m not ready for a relationship. So I honestly see no future with him – romanticwise. However, I do expect to get with him again from times to times is we meet again (he since went back to Europe) Because, after all, he is the only one that meets all the things I look for in a partner. He makes me feel safe. He still does. I trust him.
But I do feel a little tensions with him about the fact that I don’t feel the need to have an intercourse unless I’m in a relationship. So that might means the end but he never said anything. After he left Thailand, he sent me a goodbye text and nothing else. I texted him once asking how he’s doing. He politely answer and I can feel that we wouldn’t talk unless we can get together physically.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) No penetrative sex happened
What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, I was feeling lonely, Submission / Relinquishing power, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it
How intoxicated were you? A little tipsy/high
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Completely wasted
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol, Marijuana, hashish
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Actually many females in my life at the time hahahaha
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Do you regret this hookup? A little bit
Why do you regret this hookup? To be completely honest, I don’t know. I already described my feelings and that’s that. If you can help me identify what is it that I’m feeling I’d be forever grateful.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Well, We had good time together. I learned from him and he learned from me. I get to learn about myself.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I feel lonely.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? This is my first time so I learned a lot about myself, my sexual preference, and what I want in a relationship. It didn’t changed my view on casual sex – I still don’t like it hahahaha. I like myself more now that I’m more experienced and know what I want 🙂
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? S was quick to identify the root of my not-wanting-to-have-sex-outside-relationship attitude to my religion, Thai culture, Asian culture on chastity, and even slut-shaming culture. I suspect that it’s easy to put this as a conclusion in my case because of my background but That’s not the case. I just want intimacy like everyone else. I’ll be the last one to wait until marriage for sex if I feel horny and my partner is there for me in the morning. I just want some confirmation that my partner wouldn’t just one day disappear like S did. Asian and Thai culture are obsolete we all know that. And lastly Bhudhism doesn’t even ask you to remain a virgin. I just want intimacy – not just jizz-and-jet.
S somewhat identified himself with being a feminist but, truly, I feel like he was just trying to get laid.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I don’t like casual sex because it doesn’t offer what I want – emotional intimacy. It kind of put me off track for a while. I’m still confused and lonely than ever. It’s still not accepted in Thai society but some of my friends do it and they live just fine. I guess I like to see people know what they want not just fooling themselves that it’s a political statement to be promiscuous. Own up to your desire, if you want sex, admit it. It’s not a noble statement.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Thank you for doing this project. Humanity needs more sexual research. I’m always up for academic research so please email me if there’s anything you’d like to know more. I also what someone to help explain why am I feeling like this.
You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!