Hookups & Cultural Differences

by Samira

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 25
What’s your race/ethnicity? Southeast Asian
What continent do you live on? Asia
What country and/or city do you live in? India
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Unsure / Questioning
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? asexual maybe
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 4
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Hookups & Cultural Differences

How long ago did this hookup happen? 3

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For 1 to 3 years

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? We’d known each other in college. He was tall and charming and confident. And a bit of a snob, as well. I was hugely flattered that he was talking to me, and developed a bit of a crush on him. We met up a few years later. I had no idea that casual sex was on the agenda. I mean, yes, I liked him, so I’d have been interested in a relationship but I think he was looking only to add notches to his bedpost.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? He invited me over to his place. It was summer and we were drinking. I think I was on the point of being sloshed, if not completely sloshed. He asked me if I wanted to sleep with him and I said yes. That was when I knew it was just casual sex. It was humiliating. I went along with it anyway though. Why? I’m not sure. Some reasons: to be polite, out of some misguided sense of etiquette; to be gain some sexual experience (mine was negligible); to open myself to newer experiences (never had a hookup before).

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We kissed and I went down on him. He fingered me really vigorously but it didn’t do anything for me. I felt weirdly numb through all of it – maybe it was the booze, maybe it was just disappointment, I don’t know. We had sex in the missionary position. I really wanted to get over with it. I started out fairly wet and then got drier and drier. He was a good lover, I think, in that he did everything he was supposed to do, and he was considerate, or at least tried to be – but I just wasn’t into it (though I did my best to not show it), and neither of us enjoyed it.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We did the requisite cuddling and then I left and he didn’t try to persuade me to stay. I was sore the next day. We didn’t meet after that. I still feel awfully humiliated because I didn’t read his signals properly and I expected something entirely different. I don’t ever want to see him again. He KNEW I liked him and he still went along with it. If you know what someone feels for you – and if you can’t reciprocate that – you ought to have the decency to not use them for sex.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Learning new things, experimenting, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have, Intoxication

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Friends and my mother. They were sympathetic and receptive.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat

Why do you regret this hookup? I was emotionally invested in that person. Very much so, and it wasn’t reciprocated at all. Under these circumstances I think no sex was better than casual sex. But I’ve learnt some things too, so I don’t think it was entirely harmful.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I felt way more confident now that I’d gotten penetrative sex out of the way. I know I’ll be a lot more comfortable with my next sexual partner.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? It was no fun at all. I was just so numb.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes. I’m a lot less in awe of sex and of people who have casual sex. I know that I personally don’t enjoy it so much (or maybe I haven’t found the right partner or situation yet) and I don’t think I’ll ever have sex again that’s not accompanied by emotional commitment. I think sex, for me, is about connecting in another way with someone with whom you share a mutual admiration and respect and a degree of comfort.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I hail from a middle-class Indian family with views about sex that are very different from those that prevail in the West now. I don’t want to use the labels of ‘conservative’ and ‘liberal’ at all because – frankly – it’s offensive to label someone uptight or conservative just because they don’t see casual sex as very important or desirable. But I do wish I’d been a bit more acquainted with this hookup culture that’s so much more popular in my generation. I didn’t even know this was a hookup until it was over.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!