Intimacy, but No Honey. No Coconut.



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 44
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? United States
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Fundraiser
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Not religious
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Curious, open.
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 6
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 1

Intimacy, but no honey. No coconut

How long ago did this hookup happen? One week ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For more than 3 years

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My partner is attractive, active, and funny, but emotionally removed. I know him moderately well but find him hard to read. I genuinely enjoy the weight, shape, and smell of his body. On a basic and animal level I am attracted to him, but wish I was not.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We have several things in common being outdoors is a mutual need we went for a walk but I honestly could have ran for a couple of hours and found it hard to be comfortable — I was skittish. I was traveling through for work and wasn’t sure if I would be in town for only the day or the evening. He often hosts friends and I am a hesitant guest in anyone’s home, but he is a consummate host in a modest and cozy home. I cannot tell if he is shy or disinterested in me sexually but would have been okay to just be next to one another. We sat next one another while we watched a movie and the warmth of his body was comforting. I think I asked if he would hold me at bedtime. We lay next to one another and he stroked my back, which I love. I was not incredibly horny so I mostly enjoyed the warmth of his dense and hairy body. Eventually, I think it became clear he was interested in intercourse and few words were spoken, which was very nice. He had been chatty on our walk and I longed for simple, kinetic connection and quiet.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? It was raining outside and dark in his room. My labia was not shaved (which is a strong preference and turn on for me) because I did not anticipate having sex and I am mostly interested in the friendship. He stroked my back and shoulders and we kissed tenderly. Eventually, we quietly and gently fucked and there was a lot of tenderness, but I was not particularly aroused. I mostly enjoyed the intimacy, although he closes his eyes and seems a million miles away. It is hard to adjust to impersonal sex after years of highly passionate (and overly possessive) relationship. I do not think he has any real interest in me so I am not pursuing further exchanges. The friendship is good, but it feels too complicated and I am awkward and nervous as the instigator. I told him about a dream I had that he was fucking me. The dream woke me in the middle of a deep sleep and the sensation was so strong that I just lay there wet and on the verge of orgasming, but with no movement and then fell back into a deep sleep. The dream seemed more satisfying to me than the actual hookup. When I returned home from my trip, I shaved my pussy and brought myself to an orgasm three times over. I have a lot of pent up sexual energy and have yet to find a partner that I am comfortable with in this casual setting. I enjoy the lack of commitment but would like the sexual exchanges to still be authentic and have some sincerity. As a partner, I want to be fucked to satisfaction too. My orgasms are strong and multiple as I lay in my own comfortable bed. I can bring myself to a high state of arousal and have multiple throbbing climaxes but crave a lover who wants to see and participate in my pleasure as well. The tenderness was lovely, but I had to supply my own satisfaction once I returned home.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We lay next to one another for quite a while. I tenderly washed his belly and penis where he came. He was appreciative and tender. There is something very kind but confusing about his behavior. It may simply be the result of having multiple partners.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant

What were your motives for this hookup? Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Somewhat

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but didn’t give a ‘no’

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? No one.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat

Why do you regret this hookup? I would like to be more intimate and sincere and still be casual. It is not arousing to think I am one among many, which is the impression I get. It feels like it is too much work on my part to make anything happen and it seems like there are a lot of other women involved, which makes me nervous from an STD perspective. While I do not really regret it, I think this may have run its course. I will remain steadfast to the friendship but withdraw expectations of sexual fulfillment. He doesn’t seem interested.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The prolonged quiet tenderness.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Lack of mutuality.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, I think casual sexual relations require a high degree of energy. Vetting partners for safety, comfort, attraction is time-consuming.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? The next morning I conveyed that while I get hot in the britches, this issue is not his to manage and I acknowledged that at this time he is the only person I feel comfortable with in a sexual sense.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I would like to fuck hard for an extended and dedicated amount of time and reach orgasm with my partner. It would be a strong preference that the partner is able to keep their eyes open and be responsive and aware of my experience. I would like to be fucked too.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It is very helpful to process the emotions here.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!