My Favourite Lover

by VGP

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 29
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
What country and/or city do you live in? London
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Artist
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 20
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

My Favourite Lover

How long ago did this hookup happen? 18 months ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Dating casually

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He is very tall. (I am tall, and I’m generally not attracted to men who are shorter than me, so I found this really sexy). With nice strong arms, masculine, about 15 years older than me, Carribean/African descent. Good energy, kind person. We met awhile before we hooked up and had kissed once, on a trip to the art gallery. We liked each other, but also both had commitments in our personal lives (not romantic) that meant we couldn’t invest in anything serious. We became good friends and felt comfortable with each other.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? It was kind of spontaneous in the way it was instigated. He was staying with a friend of his. They came to visit me at work when I was finishing, and we all sat and talked for awhile. It was his friend that asked if I had any plans, and invited me over. I went to their place, expecting that something might happen between us.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We were in his bed, and took our time. It was very sensual with a lot of foreplay, touching, kissing, talking, oral sex. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable, and my pleasure was important to him. Intercourse was varied, lots of different positions, some breaks for more foreplay and talking. He is able to hold his orgasm back until he is ready to come, so we continued like this for a few hours, it was really beautiful. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about, but he made me feel special, told me I was beautiful, and he is the most unconventional and best lover I have ever had.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? After we finally finished it was really late and I had to work the next morning. I asked him if I could stay or if he would prefer I went home. He asked me to stay. The next day I was tired but but really happy. I did have hopes for a more committed relationship in the future with him, but had also gone to bed with him after an honest discussion we had had a few weeks before, where we had talked about what we were able to give in terms of commitment at that time. We saw each other on and off for about 18 months, trying to keep our sexual relationship separate from our friendship, and still remain good friends.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) IUD (Intrauterine device)

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told some of my friends about it, they weren’t surprised that it had finally happened, as we had liked each other for awhile, and been hanging out. As most women in their 20’s do, I’d been keeping my friends updated on what was going on between us.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? We were so connected, emotionally and physically. It was really beautiful, and because we were good friends, we were sharing that experience, sharing ourselves and giving the other pleasure.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? As much as we tried to keep our sexual relationship and our friendship separate, and spoke honestly about our expectations, there were times when we both hurt the other emotionally.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The relationship (a friends with benefits kind of deal) resulted in a more open minded understanding of the varied relationships people can have. I learnt a lot about myself, about relationships, the expectations we can place on others, the importance of honesty and cultivating trust. During some periods of our time together as lovers, I also saw other people, which challenged my perceptions on casual sex and attachment. This lead to a lot of reflection on my own relationships and sexual encounters, which in turn I feel resulted in personal growth and feeling more comfortable and confident in my own sexuality.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? My most satisfying sexual encounters have been with partners that I feel emotionally connected to, although that doesn’t necessarily mean we were in a committed relationship.That being said, I do also enjoy casual sex. I have dated a number of men in the last few years, sometimes more than one at a time, with most we had sex on more than one occasion, were friends or had mutual respect for one another. I came to appreciate that what each had to offer was unique, and enjoyed each encounter for what it was, learning over time not to place to many expectations on what the relationship could be in the future. I try to avoid one night stands and have found that my experiences with meeting partners on dating apps have not been as fulfilling, although has allowed me to meet people outside of my usual circle of friends, which is always interesting.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think this project is very interesting. In general I feel that we are becoming more open as a society about what role sex plays in our lives. In the end with casual sex, I feel it is important for the individual to reflect and find what works for them (if it works for them at all) and to try not to compromise on whatever that happens to be. It’s good to be able to read others experiences and share our own.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!