Play with Fire and You Get Burned

by Kassandra

Age: 23
Race/ethnicity: White
Location: Ohio
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: Event Manager
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? Somewhat
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? Zero

Play with Fire and You Get Burned

How long ago did this hookup happen? 1 year ago

How would you best classify this hookup? FWB

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My FWB a year ago was a professional hockey player. He was over 6 feet tall, brown hair, light brown eyes, sexy facial hair, and a great body. He had the whole scruffy, laid back look. I was an ice girl/dancer for the team he played for and we weren’t supposed to talk at all.

We met at the end of my first season dancing on the team. He went home for the summer, but we texted and stayed in touch as I didn’t intend to return to the dance team the next year.

From the time we had met through our “relationship” I felt something; it was a deep, indescribable, and completely unwarranted lust/love/attraction.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Once I knew I was going to come back for a second season, I told him we needed to end all contact, because I could lose my job. But, that didn’t happen, seeing him all the time to the rink led to us texting again. He initiated the texting, saying, in a much more complementary and flirtatious way, that there was no way he was going to give up on trying to talk to me/hang out with me/hook up with me. Which led to us meeting out at the bar and that led to us hooking up.

We spent 7 months hanging out and hooking up, but in the beginning of it all, I had to establish two things. 1. He wasn’t allowed to fall in love with me and 2. He needed to tell me if he slept with someone else, for health reasons.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I knew it from the beginning I would get hurt and I wanted something to come out if it, so I tried my hardest to push him away by making all of these rules, like he couldn’t text me just to talk, only when he was in town and wanted to hook up. I did this because we got along so perfectly and had so much fun together, and most of all, in my gut I felt like he was THE one for me. So me being freaked out that this person I had all of these feelings for was going to be moving away after the season, I shut him out completely, after a while there was no way he could possibly know anything about who I really was. I was being absolutely crazy and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop. He was all I thought about. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could fix the mess I made. A lot of crazy things happened along the way, and he still stuck around, leading me to believe he felt the same way I did.

The very first time we drank together, I drank so much that I threw up, which never had happen to me before… And I have been drinking and do drink a lot when I do. He took care of me when that happened because I was so fucked up.

We had amazing sex though, we had to say nothing and it was perfect. Outside of sex, we talked about anything and everything, the talking diminished over the duration of the relationship, because I closed myself off. But he was always such a gentleman towards me, always willing to pick me up when I was too drunk. Apologizing if he came too quick or if I was hurt by something he said…

I would drink so much when we were out to escape my uncomfortable reality that I would black out every time. Then I was able blame my actions and words on being drunk.

It got to a point where all the other guys on the team knew I was his girl, asking where I was when I wasn’t there, saying how cute of a couple we were, jokingly of course but something I secretly wish they were saying seriously.

Towards the very end of it, when the season was wrapping up and I knew he had to leave, I tried to end it for my sake. But that didn’t last long. So we hooked up until the very end. He went back to Canada, but we still kept in contact through the summer.

I was so upset that he was gone and that he never knew how I felt that I needed to write it all down and tell him. So in August, I did just that. Laid everything out there, he responded and that was the end of it.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? We were really dumb. He would just pull out as protection. We did discuss STIs.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? There was no reasoning. It was purely illogical, as I said I could have lost my job. I played with fire for 7 months. The whole “relationship” was impulsive and emotionally and sexually driven.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? Alcohol was almost always involved. And a lot of it!

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? As I said before, after he went back home I was deeply saddened. I tried to play it off to him when we would text from time to time that I didn’t care. But I did, I was heartbroken and everyone knew it. That was the first time I was in love with someone and I didn’t have control over it. I felt hopeless and crushed. I regretted the whole thing, but only in the sense of preventing my pain. I love him, and at that time still did, so obviously I didn’t truly regret it… I just wanted a different outcome.

For the future, I hope the best for him and everything he hopes to do and achieve. I don’t expect anything from him and I have no hopes for anything involving the two if us, but all the hopes for him in his life.

He still holds a special place in my heart, as he as the first person to break it (I had been in two long term and official relationships prior in which I was the heartbreaker). He was always so patient and kind towards me, even despite my craziness. I sometimes think of him and wish we still spoke, but then again, I know that would be dangerous territory for me.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I spoke to my best friend at the time about it the most, she was on the dance team with me. She eventually was so annoyed with me for always taking about him, or being upset, that she just didn’t want to hear it anymore. I also spoke to my mom and stepdad about it, they obviously didn’t know the sexual details, just the emotional ones.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? This was a consensual and wanted experience for both of us.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? No, as I stated previously.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing about this relationship was being able to confirm that crazy, mind blowing, unexplainable LOVE is real. The worst thing, it ended in heartbreak for me.

Casual sex, I now know, can never be casual for both parties involved. One person is going to be more involved than the other, and they’re going to get hurt. It leads you to do and say things that you wouldn’t normally do. It also opened the doors for me to really find out who I was then and who I wanted to become. I did a lot of introspection during this time. So, I’m not sure if casual sex is necessarily a bad thing, it’s all in how the people involved perceive it and if they are going to use what they’ve learned to grow and eventually end their participation in it.

I learned I can’t be involved in a casual relationship. Soon after we had ended things I met an amazing man. He took me on a real first date, we went golfing. Followed by a second, third and so on, we quickly fell for each other and have been together ever since. The craziest part about it, which I have never said to anyone, we met because of my crazy love for the man I had this hook up experience with.

My current boyfriend has the same last name as a teammate of hookup guy. So I came across my current boyfriend’s Facebook, it said we had 50 or so mutual friends. He lived in the same city as I, went to the same high school as my brother… Weird. So in my crazy mind I thought, oh he must be related to hook up guy’s teammate, that’s my in… ? Bizarre I know!

Little did I know then that my current boyfriend would become my boyfriend, we would move in together and make plans to get married.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

What did you think about this story? Tell us in the comments, just be nice!

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