Satisfied, But Wanting More

by BRP

What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 21
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Murray, KY
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Student Worker
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Gay/lesbian
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 10
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Satisfied, But Wanting More

How long ago did this hookup happen? Several hookups from 9/18 to 1/19

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My partner was very cute. We met on Bumble and went on a date or two before having sex. I would classify our relationship as friends with benefits at most. On the two dates we went on before having sex, I liked him a lot. He was interesting, captivating…fun to talk to and a bit mysterious.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? The hookup began at his apartment. I went over knowing that sex was inevitable as we had alluded to having sex many times via text/snapchat prior to meeting up. We both instigated, as we both knew our expectations were sex.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? During the (first of many) hookup(s), he was great. Obviously we had anal sex, as we’re gay men. I was the bottom, as I always am. After our first encounter, we got to know each other better sexually, and the sex kept getting better. After a couple encounters he knew exactly what to do to drive me crazy and please me.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I honestly felt great. Had this hookup occurred several years earlier, I would’ve succumbed to the societal stigma involved in casual sex and shamed myself for giving my body up to another man. I am more confident in myself now than I had been in younger years (18 or 19, maybe). I loved it.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, Discussed STI testing history, Exchanged recent STI test results

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Submission / Relinquishing power, Making new friends, Everyone else was/is doing it, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My three closest friends, they were all supportive and inquisitive, as I only had positive things to say about my partner.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The best thing–at the risk of sounding crude–was honestly the sex. He was incredible. It was a longstanding casual sexual relationship over several months, but he was amazing, and every time the sex got better.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The worst thing about the experience was that after a few months I started to develop feelings for my partner. To me, he was captivating. He was smart, had a great job, handsome, sexy, caring (at least I thought), and incredible in bed. He pleased me sexually with what felt like effortless sexual skill. Because of the good qualities I described, I started developing feelings for him. I don’t think the feelings were mutual. We had a few discussions about the topic of feelings, but they ended with me feeling a bit used and uncomfortable. I am white, and he was black, and the sentiments he conveyed to me made me feel like he was hesitant to start a relationship with a white boy. I felt like he thought that his family wouldn’t accept it, or be less than enthusiastic about it. As a white boy, I’ve had casual long-standing hookups with quite a few black boys, but this was the first time I had explored being more than a hookup with someone of a different race, and I was opened up to the challenges that interracial couples face. From family expectations to societal ones. I’m disappointed that these expectations and challenges exist within the homosexual community (one that is already marginalized as it is), but this is the reality many interracial gay couples face.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Not as a whole. My partner made me feel incredible at the time of the hookups. The sex was literally incredible–every time we hooked up was better than the last, he was a very quick learner on how to please me. The only thing that I’m hesitant about is that the sex was so good, he was so smart and amazing and successful, that I developed feelings. I feel like it’s hard not to feel something with a recurring hookup that you view positively in more ways that simply sexual. But after conveying my feelings, our relationship changed for the negative. It was definitely a letdown, and it made me feel sad and used at the time. Looking back, he didn’t use me. I was very enthusiastic about interacting sexually. After awhile we just developed different expectations, and they didn’t match up.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I feel like everyone should know the challenges that interracial couples face. People would think that amongst the already marginalized LGBT community that interracial couples would be accepted. Quite the contrary–interracial LGBT couples simply face more discrimination than their same-race allies.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I have had casual sex with multiple partners, but this was the only one that I had developed a more-than-purely-fucking relationship. We texted, called, facetimed, etc. While it was always fairly casual and unromantic, in the end, I got hurt a bit. But I wouldn’t change the experience if I could. I grew from it, learned from it, and the sex was out of this world (lmao).

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think it’s great, I saw the TEDx Talk. Casual sex NEEDS to be de-stigmatized, especially among older generations. She knows I’m gay, but I know how horrified my mother would be if she knew how much casual sex I have. MY mother grew up in a very large Boston Irish Catholic family, and the notion of casual sex or sex outside of marriage at all is mind-boggling to her. I hope people like her will eventually realize that casual sex (most of the time) is a growing, learning, and enjoyable experience for both partners.

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