Some Strings Attached

by Jane Doe

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 21
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Retail
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 8
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? None

Some Strings Attached

How long ago did this hookup happen? About six months ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was in my biology class last year, and he always sat in the back while I sat in the very front. I used to check him out on my way out of class- he’s absolutely gorgeous, always well-dressed, with a beard, and tattoos up and down his arms. We didn’t meet until after the semester had ended. We matched on Tinder and he messaged me asking if I’d been in his bio class. Eventually I met up with him at a local coffee shop and we sat down and got to know each other a bit. Then after I came back from a few weeks of vacation, we started seeing each other more frequently.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? He didn’t even kiss me until the third date. I’d never had casual sex or even casually dated before, so I was timid and cautious at first and it took a little longer for me to get comfortable enough to sleep with him. I don’t remember the first time we had sex, but I remember kissing him for the first time after watching The Dark Knight on his bed. I didn’t feel rushed into having sex, we did it when we both felt ready.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? It always started out with a heated makeout session. He was such a good kisser, and the longer and more passionately we kissed the more turned on I would be. It never felt awkward or uncomfortable when we started taking off our clothes, and he always looked at me like I was a model. He’d run his hands all over me and tell me how soft I felt and how hot I was. I don’t think we ever had sex without oral first, and I liked going down on him so much. I was so self-conscious about my body that I was uncomfortable with the thought of him going down on me, though, so I tried to put it off until finally he pushed me down on the bed and told me it was his turn. He was good at it and he kept treating me like a beautiful girl, so that eventually I stopped feeling so self-conscious and learned to enjoy it and get more comfortable with the sex. He always listened to me when I asked him to be gentle or go slow. After some oral I’d beg him to fuck me and he’d quickly put a condom on before sliding in slowly, making sure I was okay until he was all the way inside me. He’d start slow, waiting for me to ask him to go harder and faster. He was never one to orgasm right away. He’d fuck me from on top until we were both breathing hard and squirming with it, and then I’d get on top and ride him. He used to cover his face with a pillow because he said if he looked at me he’d completely lose it. I loved prying the pillow off him and getting him to look at me while I fucked him, putting his hands on my breasts and riding him until he finished. I have a really hard time orgasming during sex and haven’t gotten there yet but it was perfectly satisfying and enjoyable for me to make him come.

Sometimes we didn’t have sex, and we’d watch television together or order a pizza. He started buying fancy cheeses and we’d eat a whole wedge of Brie between us with grapes and apples. A couple times, we had conversations on tough topics like reverse racism or other social issues that turned into civil but heated debates that lasted for hours. He told me he talked to me about those things because he thought I was smart and could hold the conversation well.

We used to go on these weird not-dates, where we’d go out to dinner or breakfast but we didn’t hold hands or talk about our feelings or act like anything other than fuck buddies. He usually paid the bill, and I paid the tip, and I paid the bill whenever I had the money. I was always so confused about our relationship because he never acted like I was anything special, like someone he had feelings for or wanted to get serious with, but we’d go on those not-dates and he told me he loved it when I slept over and got really upset when I brought up the idea of me seeing other people. Once he just looked at me and said, “I can’t believe you’re the girl from bio class.” Another time he showed up randomly st my house and brought me candy. A couple times he brought up his ex. But when I tried to get him to tell me his thoughts and feelings about what we were doing, he would clam up and just say “you can do whatever you want” over and over and over. On the few occasions where we fought, it felt like we were almost a couple, but it was always about how I didn’t know how he was feeling and he wouldn’t tell me. He told me to “do whatever you want” so many times that I got fed up, and I couldn’t take it anymore. He did a bunch of other thoughtless shitty things that made me upset, and I ended up sleeping with someone else while we were still seeing each other and lied to him about it. That was the final red flag for me. But what really sent me over the edge was feeling like I was the only one making the decisions and offering part of myself. I felt used and so I broke it off when I couldn’t take it anymore.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? He didn’t even react when I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He hugged me goodbye and I left his house and that was it. He texted me later asking if I really hadn’t slept with anyone else and I stuck with the lie. I still feel awful about it. I just couldn’t understand why he would care who I slept with when he didn’t seem to care about me. I missed him after I ended it. Even though he pissed me off, I missed the way he looked at me and made me feel wanted, and I missed having fun with him. And I missed the sex- it was easily the best I’ve ever had. I still think he’s wonderful despite all the crap he’s pulled. After a few months of ignoring each other on campus we bumped into each other in the library and he actually talked to me. Asked how I was doing and congratulated me on my study abroad news for the next year. I asked if he wanted to get drinks sometime and he said yes- we made plans four different times to catch up, and he stood me up every time. He actually just texted me today, after a month of silence, to apologize. He said he was nervous because he hadn’t seen me in a while and had gone through five different outfits before just giving up and sitting at home in his towel. Even though I’m angry at him for the way he’s treated me I’m still endeared by the gesture and the thought of him fussing over his outfit.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have, Intoxication, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Power / Dominance, Submission / Relinquishing power, Making new friends, Everyone else was/is doing it, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? A little tipsy/high

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My friends didn’t like the sound of him, but honestly they hate all men and are really prejudiced against them so they’re not the best audience.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The sex, how good he made me feel a bit myself, and we had a ton of fun hanging it together too

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Emotional distance/disconnect, imbalance, scarce communication

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Absolutely

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? It’s fun in the moment but it will never be fulfilling or help a person in the long run. It made me feel empty and more alone than ever more often than not.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? This is a very cool idea, nice way to get things off the chest

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!