by Billie Jane
What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 28
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? New York
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? N/A
What’s your current relationship status? Dating casually
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Heteroflexible
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 15
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? none
A Year As Another Woman
How long ago did this hookup happen? 17 months ago
What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status
How would you best classify this hookup? Fuck-buddies / Booty call
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Jimm has a boyish charm. He is tall and gangly with big front teeth and dark hair. His eyes were warm, and he has freckled shoulders, full lips, and a close whispy beard. Jimm has a goofy, energetic smile that is both infectious and mischievous. He looked like a mixture of all the boys I liked: tall and broad but also slender and fragile in a gentle, soft way. He was kind and eager and interested in learning about me. It was flattering, comforting, and endearing.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I met Jimm through my former roommate, who was also my prior lover very briefly, but that’s another story for another time. He came over with a couple of friends to say hello to my roommate and tell him that they were going to the beach. I asked to tag along, and we got to know each other on the waves in the Rockaway’s, which I guess is what compelled him to invite me out to his shows. One night after getting fairly drunk and emotionally vulnerable, I surrendered and went. His band was mediocre, but it was nice to be out and doing something. I said hello after the show and was ready to leave, but there was a card minimum, so I stuck around for another drink. We got to talking, and I met his twin brother, who had unexpectedly come to the show. He quickly cut to the chase and told me he thought I was very pretty and that he wanted to kiss me. Before I could say anything, he planted one. I retorted that I’d heard he had a girlfriend though so maybe we should hug instead. He nodded his head, but we both didn’t hold ourselves accountable after that. We drove home in a car and got lost along the way. He kept touching me, and I could barely drive straight.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We snuck into my apartment, even though my roommates were having a party, and we locked ourselves in my room. We had mostly vaginal, some oral and a little ass play for a couple of hours. We were on mushrooms and laughing and playing around. We broke the bed slats, cuddled, and just let ourselves be free with one another.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? That was a little over a year ago now. We have continued to have sex this whole time, going through a bunch of transitions as to what we mean to one another. I didn’t know what to expect, and I did my best not to have expectations. However, patterns got established and broken, and with them, new clarifications of our limits with one another. He told me he loved me for a little while and even though part of me felt the same and wanted to say it back, another part knew that saying and doing are different things and that he’s unable to commit to any future with me since he is still with his girlfriend. And on top of that, he seems incapable of being open with himself about this reality or working his way through it. I feel sorry for him since he seems to be losing a chance to grow for the comfort of known.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) IUD (Intrauterine device)
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Intoxication, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Power / Dominance, Submission/Relinquishing power, Making new friends, It was easy/convenient
How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did you consume? Alcohol, Marijuana, hashish, Hallucinogens (LSD, mushrooms, DMT…)
How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol, Marijuana, hashish, Hallucinogens (LSD, mushrooms, DMT…)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes,’ but I didn’t give a ‘no.’
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They didn’t give a clear ‘yes’ but didn’t give a ‘no.’
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Most of my friends were extremely understanding and supportive at first. They were hopeful as I was that we could find a future together. But as more time passed, the more judgmental and disappointed they became.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It’s got me out of a rut and a dark place. It validated me and my needs and helped me to move on from a relatively unhealthy mindset. It helped test and push my boundaries of moral, sexual, and intimate understandings.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? It fixated me to someone who is not available and caused me a lot of hurt and suffering, albeit somewhat self-inflicted, but it caused me to rediscover the pattern of relying on something that only partially is fulfilling.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I see a great value in casual sex, and I believe it’s an essential aspect of working through things and changing the way you view others or the world. I am also wary now that simply having boundaries or setting and resetting expectations doesn’t necessarily lead to love, comfort, or fulfillment.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? He met my mother and my sister. We talked about going away together and all to his friends. But now the majority of the time has been the fallout of that: the promises and expectations set and then broken. The lack of following through is where the true disappointment lies.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I would like to see it accepted and understood to the point that when it happens, it can be recognized as the what it is, not made into more or degraded into a simple interaction but something with complex layers and value that is a healthy form of healing.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Interesting, though I wish there were more interactive aspects to it.
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