What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 24
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
What country and/or city do you live in? London
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Student
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Curious
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 29
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
Christmas Time Late-Night Hookup
How long ago did this hookup happen? 2 months
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Fuck-buddies / Booty call
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I used to find him so sexy. He dresses well and he’s kind of…laddish and crude, but I like that. Not very intelligent, not very refined. Not worried about being sensitive. For some sexist reason I thought that would make him bad in bed. He has this stupid haircut though, and the way he sexted me made me cringe.
We met on Tinder. We chatted a little bit, then one night he really wanted to call me. We spoke on the phone for a few hours, he made me laugh and feel cute. We talked about dating, about going for a drink, but it was just before Christmas and we were both busy. It was nice, we texted a lot and sent each other music. He made me feel excited and even now I look back on that time very fondly. Then one night he convinced me to come over after I finished my shift at the pub. I wanted to have sex, it had been a long time since a bad breakup. I was a bit reluctant to skip to sex before dating him, so I told him I wasn’t necessarily going to sleep with him, and he sweetly offered to sleep on the sofa if I wasn’t into it. I was quite proud of myself for that.
I went over to his house with a bottle of wine at 1am. It was cold and I cycled.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? He let me in and we giggled at the oddness of the situation. I felt totally comfortable with him though, he was cooking his packed lunch for the next day and showed me his apartment. He lived close to me, and when he showed me his bike on the balcony he started poking me playfully. I found it adorable that he was cooking, and cooking good food as well, pasta with some kale and broccoli. I messaged my slightly worried and bemused flatmate to tell her everything was fine. He was very flirtatious and poked fun at me a lot. It was cute. I felt a bit nervous and excited. I wanted him to think I was cool. I was less confident then.
Next thing I remember he grabbed me and we were making out all over his kitchen, against the fridge, the cupboards. He lifted up my skirt around my waist and I remember finding it funny because I still had tights on. Tights are so un-sexy. We were giggling and he was nagging me for making him forget about his cooking. Then he went to hang out his laundry and made me wait downstairs because I would distract him.
We went and sat on the sofa in the living room which was also his bedroom and made out for ages. I have this really happy memory of him lying on top of me looking at me and calling me beautiful and cute. Still I can’t let myself believe these things when men say them to me. How sad.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Eventually my top came off, and he spent ages kissing my breasts and sucking my nipples. He really liked my breasts and he told me several times. He complained that it was easier for women to conceal their arousal than men. I straddled him and we made out more. We shared a joke about him coming in his pants rather than having sex. I liked that sex wasn’t necessarily on the cards. We listened to really good music the whole time and he was impressed by my taste.
After maybe two hours of this we got into bed and he put on a movie. Before we got into bed he told me I was the first girl he’d had in bed since he’d lived in that place. He’d been there 6 months and I was surprised. He was so attractive. We kissed some more and he fingered me. I think I faked an orgasm because it wasn’t going to happen. Then he fell asleep. I was squashed against the wall and the movie was still running. When I woke up and finally took off all of my clothes, I was lying on my front or on all fours and he was behind me, but for some reason I wouldn’t let him fuck me or go down on me. Still not sure why. He said he loved doing it but I didn’t want to. I was going through something post-breakup with another man who had a lot of sex issues. I didn’t fully comprehend the extent of the problems until much later.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat
Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close
Did your partner have an orgasm? No
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? He was quite grumpy and under-slept in the morning. His housemate came home from partying and chatted to me while I was naked in bed and he showered. He knew my name and who I was, that made me laugh and feel smug. I think a lot of signs pointed towards me having a larger role in his life than I did. I blamed myself a lot for that.
We walked to the station together, he kissed me goodbye and said ‘I’ll leave you with that cliffhanger’ then bounded off. I felt a bit funny about it, but I went out for breakfast with my flatmate and gossiped, too loudly, in a cafe by our flat. I wanted to see him again but I told my flatmate I didn’t. I was overjoyed when he texted later when I was Christmas shopping, and I had a nice afternoon swimming and shopping thinking about him. I didn’t hear much more, the odd text asking about Christmas, but he never responded to my replies. I was hurt given how much we had texted before the encounter. It didn’t occur to me until he told me, much later, and jokingly, that he hadn’t got much out of our encounter. It was only then that I realised it was strange and not much fun for him. I had a great time, he was so complementary about my body. I really needed that at the time.
Actually he hurt me a lot by never getting back to me. Then in March he suddenly texted out of the blue asking why I hadn’t been in contact. We arranged to meet up that Friday, I had the house to myself and wanted him to come over. He never confirmed or texted back. That hurt too, even though at that point I had another boy who I preferred on the scene. I remember texting him while the other boy was there. I have a bad habit of doing that.
We actually hooked up just before I left the country to start my fieldwork. It was…better than I thought it was going to be. He’s the last person I slept with and probably will be for a while. I feel no emotional attachment to him, but I like that he wants to fuck me. And not really liking him that much means I’m more likely to expose all the kink I want with him, because I don’t feel shy or scared about what he’ll think. And I know he likes that.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Making new friends, It was easy / convenient
How intoxicated were you? A little tipsy/high
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My housemate and best friend, she was a bit surprised I went to a stranger’s house in the middle of the night but I think she understood I wanted to have a lot of sex before I went on fieldwork. I was slowly recovering from a bad breakup, we both were, so we saw casual sex as a necessary point on the path.
I don’t think I told anyone else about the specific conditions as I thought people might judge me. But I am known among my friends for using tinder and okcupid, and for seeking out casual sex.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? He was so attractive. And flirty, and complementary.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? He would text me with questions about how I was or why we never hooked up again, then never respond when I offered.
I wanted to date him and not hook up.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? It was a key point where I realised attractive young trendy men wanted to sleep with me. And that I was cute and desirable. I had had a bad breakup and lost a lot of weight, but I still put a lot of importance on male validation, but his was significant after hooking up with a real fucking loser, and then being turned away by a man after a really successful first date, which also shook me up a lot.
I think I realised I wanted to have emotionless sex after that, which I achieved but actually ended up dating three people at once. So I failed. I felt good about myself after, and when I went home for Christmas it was nice to have a boy to text. Except he never replied. Oh, he texted me at new years but then didn’t reply either. I wanted to fuck someone else at new years but there wasn’t anyone new to do it with.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? We now sext and when I go back to London to visit I’m going to fuck his brains out.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think it’s great. I want it too much. I also live in a place where it’s difficult (Palestine) and I knew I was moving out here for a year before I came. So after Christmas I decided I just wanted to stockpile sexual memories. I did well, but as I said, I ended up dating three people simultaneously and developing strong emotional relationships with them and have found it hard to leave them behind.
In Palestine sex and casual sex with Palestinians are not options for me. I have drawn a wall between me and Palestinian men because I will be living with a local family and therefore adopting their morals and I am not willing to allow my own sexual desires to corrupt this relationship. I am currently seeking sexual partners in Israel via tinder. The expat community here is small and incestuous which repels me sexually and emotionally. I am also trying to develop a self-worth based on my own achievements and not the validation of men.
That said, I recently went on a date with a man I found so attractive I wanted to take pictures of us together to show my friends. He had an incredible body and I couldn’t really believe he was attracted to me.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Great idea. It’s been really therapeutic.
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