I Can’t

by Lotus

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 18
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? America
Highest education received: Not graduated from high-school
What’s your occupation? None
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? No
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 2
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

I Can’t

How long ago did this hookup happen? About three months ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Dating casually

How would you best classify this hookup? Fuck-buddies / Booty call

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a week

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was very tall and skinny. He had green-blue eyes and freckles. He also wore glasses. I didn’t know him very well. We met at a mutual friend’s house, and then he hit me up through Instagram. I didn’t really think much about him. I honestly didn’t know him well enough at all. I thought he was sexually attractive.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We were playing truth or dare on Instagram messenger. He asked if I wanted to have a friends with benefits relationship. I said okay. We decided to meet up one evening in our school parking lot, after hours. We had sex in his car. We had sex again in his car, but in the parking lot of a library a couple of days later.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? This was my first time. We started with vaginal sex. It hurt a lot. The first time, he was kind. He kissed one of my breasts and my vaginal area. The second time, however, we spent about fifteen minutes of him persuading me to give him head. He wasn’t horrible, but it was my first time. And he is rather long. He kept hitting my cervix, and I bled both times. We only ever talked about sex. It ended with me finally giving into giving him head after he kept at it. He then did me doggy style and finished on the t-shirt I was wearing. I got out of his car, and we hugged as he drove off. I later texted him and said I wanted to receive oral after that. He seemed cold through text. I felt sad and told him that I thought we should stop, and he said that he was thinking the same thing. I’m currently still going through a lot of the aftermess.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I felt sad about the whole thing. I hooked up with him because I was insecure and lonely. I didn’t want a future with him and he didnt want one with me. I got really depressed afterwards. After having been that intimate with someone that I had no emotional feelings for. I’m angry that he pressured me to do something I wasn’t ready for. I’m scared that he’s a sexual predator. Other than that, I really don’t care about him at all.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Withdrawal

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Boredom

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I talked to my friends in the group and some other friends outside of the group. Some of my friends thought I did a really bad thing, because he had a girlfriend at the time. But all my friends were mainly just worried about me and my well-being.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I got losing my virginity out of the way, and I learned that I do not want emotionless sex.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I felt like a slut afterwards and felt very disgusted that I gave this guy head.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I don’t know about casual sex in general, but I know that I personally cannot have emotionless sex. I am currently with a romantic partner of whom I have passionate sex. I am much more fulfilled by this relationship than I ever was from the previous one.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? For anybody who reads this: if a girl says no, accept that and drop it. Any sexual act, specifically of fellatio, should be enjoyable for both partners and should under no circumstance be performed out of pressure from one partner.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think that casual sex works for some people. I have friends who engage in casual sex and are perfectly happy. However, other friends of mine and myself, are not fulfilled by emotionless sex. We need an emotional connection to be satisfied sexually.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think it’s an interesting project

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!