What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 23
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What country and/or city do you live in? Wellington, New Zealand
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Student
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 7
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? a couple
Will be so careful in the future
How long ago did this hookup happen? About a month
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Fuck-buddies / Booty call
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? A guy off Tinder. Typical 23 year old fuckboy (but more intense,controlling & organised like), the type who would text at 10,11pm to convince me to come and see them (for sex of course) while trying to convince me that it wasn’t a one night stand/hookup but friends with benefits (that there’s some kind of false trusting, friendship going on), that you stupidly go along with knowing you shouldn’t let yourself be treated like that but do anyway as your using them for sex too, which for some stupid reason I let go on for just over three months leading to a very toxic, unpleasant last time.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? This particular time, the last time, which luckily definitely was the last time this time, happened a good month ago. It was so horrible and unenjoyable that the only way I felt to help deal with was write about it as I hadn’t told my friends or anyone at that point, it hasn’t been published at this stage and with a month going by I realized so many more important things i’d missed out especially to strongly portray that it’s not ok and you shouldn’t put up with that kind of situation or behavior as I guess at that stage I was in quite the denial of how serious or the impact it had/would have that would lead me to finally getting help for my bad patterns of the year and how I got myself in such a toxic situation that lead to it being to aggressive and treated like that.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? The night is a little bit of a blur and my mind has blocked quite abit out, but it started when I stupidly text him, in the evening, being a little drunk, we hadn’t spoken for a few weeks and it had got quite nasty over text previously. I guess both of us were not happy with such a casual thing and wanted more but not with one another. So I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, I guess I was quite naive in thinking it would be the usual sensual great sex it had been at times but that wasn’t to be the case, after him meeting me after me playing pool with a friend I then went with him to his place. Things didn’t start or go so well as I knew things had changed as I made out with him, there was such a sense of disgust and resentment, even with trying to push him away and say stop as there was very little chemistry I went along with it until the quick missionary sex was over. It was quite late in the night, I was incredibly tired, still a little drunk, emotional from some bad news that week so ended up staying with the intention to leave very early in the morning without anything else happening. We did end up having sex again which was slightly better, as I wanted that to be the absolute last time.
Unfortunately it didn’t end up so. Early in the morning I tried to grab my stuff to leave but couldn’t find half of it being so early, tired, stressed and in a bad migraine so ended up falling back to sleep. He woke me up saying we should have sex one last time for old times sake, by that time he was already on top of me and pulling my underwear to the side so I removed it not being overally happy about it as this time seeing him felt very different, he was more intense, with quite a scary uncomfortable atmosphere which I should of recognized quicker and just left but I didn’t even when things turned too rough, which I did not enjoy having my body pushed and dragged around the bed so roughly like he didn’t care at all about what I wanted or was happening, especially when he put his hands on my neck many times which he knew I hated, and wouldn’t stop when I asked him too when it got to painful and uncomfortable in one of the positions ( which I discovered the next day when I got my period that was why, my body was not ready for such rough, deep sex) I just went so numb, waiting for it to be over as he wasn’t listening to me and in the state he was in I realised he truly didn’t care, in his mind we were fuck buddies, to just use each others’ bodies like we wanted. This became very clear when he dragged me off the bed, and very aggressively kept telling me to get on the floor, and pushed me down onto it with his hand around my neck, to have sex on the floor, which wouldn’t of been pleasant anyway. After once more on the bed, it was finally over and he went for a shower while I tried to get my stuff together in half shock and in a rush to just get out of there.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? There were alot of mixed things intitally. I knew I didn’t want to see or talk to him again, but had to when he didn’t reply to a friends text to get my ring back, that i’d left there when leaving in a rush. I ended up having to text him, and I did finally get my ring, I did try to slightly tell him that morning wasn’t ok, but I think there was miscommunication about what I was talking about (not the overall three months) but that aggressive morning, where it had turned into hate sex and was not ok for him not to stop when I asked, I knew it was such a murky area ending up into his bed knowing what was going to happen, but it was so aggressive my nipple piercing flew out which I knew at that point was not ok or being slapped ( in the face during sex) without any communication of what was going on or happening.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Intoxication, To feel better about myself, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, It was easy / convenient
How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? A little bit
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Somewhat
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told a couple of my best friends and step dad when I had a slight melt down about it the day after, especially when it hit so hard of what had actually happened, feeling so yuck and violated like afterwards. It was a stressful week after, as there were some strong reactions from my friends that I should take stronger and further action about it, but I just wanted to forget about it and just focus on not ending up in a situation like that again so got much needed help to deal with it and my bad patterns of the year (mainly of using sex, and guys as a distraction to things, mainly my long term relationship ending the year before) I was so grateful for them being so supportive, I knew they were so concerned about what had happened or the possibility I could text him or end up seeing him again.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Do you regret this hookup? Very much
Why do you regret this hookup? I didn’t expect it to turn so aggressive, and violent like with it turning into definite hate sex from his side, of no communication, not listening to me to stop or anything which made me feel so disgusting and emotional after, for a few weeks particularly when processing the seriousness of it. Even though I was lonely and wanting comfort and wanting different and more sensual sex I should not of text him at all or even continued to once afterwards even when I was got my ring back.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? –
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Everything, the fact that he made me feel so scared and the situation getting a little out of control and aggressive than I thought it ever would, that I went so numb and just waited for it to be over that morning, that I should of listened to my instincts to get out of there or not even be there in the first place with how toxic and tumultuous things had gotten over the few months.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I feel like my views about casual sex and me, are always changing. Especially due to this awful incident. I definitely will be more careful in the future, as I never expected something like that to happen especially since i’d always be so upfront and honest with him, I liked rough but not too rough especially not to be treated like that especially with choking due to a long term relationship ending due to violence a year earlier, so I definitely haven’t been or will be in a rush to go into casual sex or any sex without having a genuine connection and trust with them first. I learnt especially not to rely on or believe into friendship from fuck buddies, when it’s all so false and fake anyway to have sex with one another.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? Up to that point I thought I could handle casual sex, I hadn’t had a problem with a few others this year as it hadn’t gotten personal or intimate. But unfortunately it did in the first few months with this guy and especially with a few hotel nights together it had gotten way too intimate, and then turned nasty when neither of us could handle it but continued to use one another as the easy, convenient option, which I did not enjoy doing, and afterwards it always felt so yuck, even more in this case when he definitely misread the situation, that I wanted it that rough or something and because of it being the last time it was ok to do want he wanted, to lash out on me with how he really felt about me. Especially when he said awful things that night/morning that I deserved it for all the drama i’d caused that three months.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think it works for some people, it’s great for ones who want fun, experimental and no strings to have no commitment or expectations but I find sex a very intimate, personal thing and it can get so messy or complicated without proper communication or being careful of the person you’re having sex with or ignoring the red flags of people you really shouldn’t be having a casual arrangement or anything with.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s interesting research and stories, which have definately helped me to share my own, the good and ugly side of casual sex sometimes.
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