Admitting Things to Myself

by James

What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 56
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
What country and/or city do you live in? UK
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? IT
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 15?
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 1

admitting things to myself

How long ago did this hookup happen? about 30 years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I don’t remember too well what he looked like. We were helping a mutual friend move apartment. I quickly worked out he was gay, and was attracted to him and the idea of sex with him.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We got talking in my room (I was a student in accommodation). I wanted to go to bed with him, but didn’t know how to ask and was scared of acting on my attraction to another man. Eventually he said he’d have to go home to the other side of town and I said he could stay with me if he wished. He said if he stayed something sexual might happen and I replied “I hope so”. It was as simple as that. He stripped and got into my bed, then watched me strip in front of him, my cock already hard.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I felt very comfortable with him, though nervous one of my housemates might discover us. We kissed and caressed then he went down on me until I came. He swallowed. I took him in my mouth, but didn’t really know what I was doing. I asked him if he would fuck me, but he was exclusively bottom not top. Eventually we slept in each other’s arms.

In the morning we kissed, he left and we never saw each other again. This was my choice as I wasn’t ready to admit the possibility that I was (and am) bisexual, despite enjoying the encounter.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, one

Did your partner have an orgasm? No

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I was scared of being found out, scared to admit to myself that I enjoyed sex with other men. I regret now that I let him down as I know he was keen for us to be lovers. My life changed after that as I met the woman who became my wife.

But I still remember him fondly and wish I’d been more mature at the time. I am certain that had I not met my wife, I would have been actively bisexual.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None, No penetrative sex happened

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? This is the first time I have mentioned it.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Intimacy, self discovery,

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? my immaturity in not following it up.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes. I now understand that I am bisexual by nature. I regret not following through with that when I was younger, and now wonder what might have been.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Until very recently I have valued monogamy and commitment in my personal life. I am now more relaxed about the idea of casual sex, partly as a result of a casual hook up with another man. I value commitment, but am more relaxed about taking pleasures when they are available. In particular, if I found myself attracted to another man who reciprocated the feeling, I would have no hesitation in having sex with him.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Interesting to read the stories and recognise situations and responses that could be from my life.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!