Choker Guy

by g

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 24
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Chicago
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Communications Assistant
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? No
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 8
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Choker Guy

How long ago did this hookup happen? ~4 months ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a week

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? We met on Tinder. When we were texting, he seemed very genuine and funny. He is 6’4, thin but in shape, white, dark hair, dimpled, with nice lips. He has a few tattoos. I was excited to meet him and thought there might be potential for a relationship, which is ultimately what I was interested in.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? The first night we met, he came over to my apartment and I made him dinner. We had to meet late at night because of his job. I think we were both nervous. He was smoking a cigarette when I met him outside. Eventually we went to a bar, and eventually he held me when we stepped out so that he could smoke. It was a weekday, and already closer to the morning at this point. He drove me back and asked if I was going to invite him in. I did. We only made out that night, but he slept over. I thought he was the perfect height and enjoyed his presence in my bed. The following week I invited him over once more. At this point, I knew that no relationship would come of this. He agreed, but insisted on my place.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? When he arrived, late at night again, I waited for him at the top of my staircase. I made him food and he texted, instead of talking to me. I told him he was being rude and he put his phone away. We were only half-nice to each other. He did some smooth talking but I wasn’t listening. We started to make out and he began choking me. I liked it, but a part of my mind imagined the encounter as a beginning to a horror film. I gave him head while he smoked a cigarette. He was already close to finishing, so then he got inside. He lasted minutes. I said, ‘Are you serious?’ Because earlier I asked if he was fucking around, he now responded: ‘If I were having as much sex as you think I am, this wouldn’t have happened.’ He said he could get hard again. We started to make out. I scratched him, he told me not to. I scratched him harder so he slapped me. I said something that provoked him to spit on me and call me a bitch. He couldn’t get hard enough again. We stood up. He choked me and my legs gave out. I began to fall, but he caught me. I told him to stop, this wasn’t cool. Don’t touch me. We were not being nice to each other. He started to get dressed while I lay in bed naked. I told him to leave his t-shirt because I liked it. He laughed, and came toward the bed to kiss. Eventually he left the shirt.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The next day, I went to class in his smelly t-shirt, with visible bruises on my neck. I thought it was funny. I saw my ex-boyfriend at a school event that afternoon. He asked if I got a new shirt. My ex texted me later that night, just a ‘sup.’ I had no interest in a conversation.

I had mixed emotions about the hookup. We both verbally and physically abused each other, but this question remained: who used who?

We didn’t use a condom, so I got tested immediately after because I didn’t trust him. I was clean. I texted him a week or so later and asked him to cover. He said he’ll be in touch, but never reached out again. Months later we were both driving down the same interstate, stuck in slow traffic. Our cars next to each other, I pretended I didn’t see him. He smoked a cigarette.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Withdrawal

What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), I was feeling lonely, Power / Dominance, Submission / Relinquishing power, Boredom

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I talked to a few friends, many were disturbed. I told my male best friend that it wasn’t even worth it. His response: “Wasn’t even worth it? I was gonna say if I was your mom I’d hunt him down and kill him. He choked, slapped, called you a bitch AND couldn’t last 10 minutes.” (Direct quote, in my phone notes related to the stuff my friends say.)

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? A little bit

Why do you regret this hookup? We weren’t nice to each other. I’m generally okay with casual sex, but this case was different because we didn’t get along at all.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Getting choked.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Thinking he gave me an STD. Him not caring at all.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? It scarred me emotionally because I didn’t see the problem with being called names and being physically hurt.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? Months later I still think about him.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? More generally, I have few problems with it. What followed the encounter was an affair with a close friend who is in a serious relationship. I do find, in general, that casual sex is perhaps not for me. I seek stability, and am feeling the need to settle down. I would like to be in a relationship, begin merging my life with that of another person’s.

In general, I am all for sex-positivity and casual sex, as long as both partners are on the same page.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Great idea. Cool resource.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!