Domina-NOT Surprise!



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 36
What’s your race/ethnicity? East Asian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Pacific Northwest, United States
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Health
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? With the right guy, into BDSM
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Domina-NOT Surprise!

How long ago did this hookup happen? 5 days ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a week

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was 6’4″, green eyes, salt and pepper hair, swimmer’s build. Let’s call him Lukas 2. The reason for the 2 will become apparent shortly.

I picked him because I was feeling nostalgic about a boyfriend with whom I had an intense tumultuous relationship. This boyfriend was 6’5″, blonde hair, blue eyes, quadrilingual (like me). Between us we spoke six different languages, which made role-playing and sex even hotter. We’ll call this boyfriend Lukas 1. We split because I would not leave my husband for him. The break-up was so tumultuous that we moved across coasts and continents to deal with the fall-out. But we still keep in teach years later and every time we do, I miss the amazing dominant sexual dynamic we had, among other things. And I get a little reckless.

On a whim, I posted an ad. I only had it up for two days, then took it down, overwhelmed by the volume of responses. With apologies to the several hundreds who wrote very thoughtful replies, I didn’t read most of them. The whim had passed . . . but I was curious enough to read a reply from a Lukas [Germanic last name]. Lukas 1 was German-American. Lukas 2 was German-American. Lukas 1 was 6’5″. Lukas 2 was 6’4″ You get the idea. I succumbed to temptation. But it turned out that Lukas 2 was very different from Lukas 1 in nearly every other respect.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We met for tea around 9 p.m. Lukas 2 drove up after work and battled traffic for 2 hours. I was well-disposed to him for the fortitude. What was to be a quick tea morphed into a 5-hour conversation into the early morning hours. I had to break it off because I was so sleepy. He sent me a lovely note about how beautiful and great to talk to I was even if I apparently had no interest in him. (He took the exhaustion for lack of interest – actually I was just sleepy and on the fence about the whole idea of my first time meeting someone online).

I decided to take the plunge and say, actually I would be up for trying something wild and meeting for a dominant sexual encounter. We planned it, traded STI status, and he booked a hotel room and drove up about two weeks later. I said I wanted to just go to the door, and have him open it and grab and go. He knew from our discussions that I liked a man who was sexually dominant and athletic — picking you up, tossing, positioning like a doll, etc.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? On the day as I planned, I knocked on the door. I was a little late, and he had turned on the TV and was apparently looking for a show to watch. This was definitely not like Lukas 1, who, like me, did not watch TV and would greet me with numerous scented candles lit and nude with just a towel around his gorgeous body. I confess I was often late to see Lukas 1 too, but he usually just read in candlelight until I arrived at his apartment, then grabbed me, swept me into his arms and shaped me into awesome positions like a great workout.

Back to Lukas 2. We each gave each other a cheerful polite smile, in an awkward uncertain moment. It soon became clear that Lukas 2 was a nice good ole country boy who wasn’t naturally sexually dominant but was trying his best approximation. Apparently, his best approximation consisted of jamming himself in ASAP.

He grabbed me and immediately tried to jab his penis into me. I didn’t even get to see what he or it looked like nude. I wasn’t turned on yet, and I’m very tight naturally even when I am. So I wasn’t wet and he ended up trying to jab himself in dry. Ouch — and not the good kind of ouch!

He would hump madly, while I scrambled to reduce the pain of getting jabbed while not yet turned on. Then he would abruptly stop, gasping for air, clutching his chest, and saying his heart was beating too fast and needed to rest. A couple of times, he would rush to the bathroom. I would hear water flushing. It was tragicomic. I wondered if this was what geriatric sex was like.

I am used to my partner undressing me and taking the lead with great verbal directiveness — even my non-dominant partners. Apparently I have just been spoiled and never realized it until now. Lukas 2 didn’t say much during the sexual action though he was a great raconteur outside of sex. He seemed unsure of whether to undress me. I didn’t know if he just really liked the outfit? Honestly, I thought he looked better with his clothes on, because nude, you could see his upper arms and legs were somewhat spindly and his shoulders were not as broad as you’d think for someone so tall. He looked like someone who used to be athletic and fit but had lost the tone. And soon I would learn I was not far off in this estimation.

After he tried pressing his fingers into me to rub what he believed to be my G-spot — but simply just hurt and chafed me in my not-turned-on state, I broke character from a submissive, and smiled politely at him and told him, “Don’t worry, I never come.” Which is not true, but at this point I just wanted to spare his feelings. And also stop him from trying. I would have been happy to blow him until he came for all his efforts, which were clearly taxing for him. But at this point, he flopped back, and said, “Let’s take a rest.” I felt like I was in a nursing home.

He then talked for hours, and I actually enjoyed listening to him. He was a good ole country boy he grew up in a rural area. And I love learning about people. In the course of the conversation, it emerged that he nearly died from an unusual colon disease that resulted in having his colon removed. He needed to poop from something called a J-pouch. I had no idea what that was. If I had known in advance, I would have been much more understanding. And would have just done ordinary slower sex so he wouldn’t be so taxed pushing himself. I can do regular too — I actually get the most turned on by giving a guy an orgasm.

Anyway, he tried a few more times. Going fast and rough, jabbing himself in, then stopping just as I was starting to get into it, saying his heart was beating too fast, and gasping for air. Occasionally running to the bathroom. I was getting kind of embarrassed for both of us.

I didn’t want to hurt his feelings because I cared about him as a person, after hearing his whole life story over the course of the approximately 15 hours we spent together. So I went with it for a while. Plus the snuggling was good, though we were both so tired and wired (he and I both had worked overnight. He was running on 2 hours of sleep and I on 4 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours). The last straw, however, was when he again tried jabbing in. And again, just as I was getting wet and starting to feel it, he would stop, panting, clutching his heart. This time he said he felt light-headed from the exertion and rushed to the bathroom.

Embarrassed for both of us, and very sleepy, I got dressed while he was in the bathroom and was at the door waving goodbye when he got out.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? I don’t know

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The next day, I read up on what a J pouch was and his health condition, from which he had almost died. Apparently it can really affect your sexual function. Also it can lead to retrograde ejaculation. So all the times he pounded and then stopped, it may have been an orgasm, but without ejaculate due to retrograde ejaculation.

As a health professional, I felt terribly guilty for leaving him while he was light-headed, feeling dizzy and showing the symptoms of pouchitis, which is what people with a J pouch can get. I called to the hotel room, just to make sure he was still alive (when he had almost died previously, he had gone from standing and talking to almost dead from seepage, he told me. During one of the frequent intermissions).

I also apologized to him for leaving so abruptly when I should have made sure he was okay in light of his health condition.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Discussed STI testing history, Exchanged recent STI test results

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Learning new things, experimenting, Power / Dominance, Submission / Relinquishing power, Making new friends, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? No one

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? A little bit

Why do you regret this hookup? Moral of the story: You cannot replicate a part of something amazing with a casual encounter. What gives sex its intensity is knowing someone so deeply. If I had known my partner better, I would have known beforehand about his J pouch and all the attendant limitations.

Sex with a person with a serious health condition is not the same as sex with an athlete (former football player, military officer, boxer) in top condition. And the person with the health condition should not feel the need to try to perform to impossible expectations. He was a sweet good person, a good ole country boy trying his best, and I would have enjoyed ordinary sex and bringing him to orgasm slowly, if I had known. Instead we both had a rather tragicomic and embarrassing experience because we did not know each other well enough.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It made me realize how special and unique the experience and person I was trying to replicate was. And appreciate it all the more.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I felt really guilty for leaving him abruptly. I didn’t understand what a J pouch is. He was trying so hard. I told him he was pushing himself too hard and to rest. I should have been more understanding to a good person with a disability.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes. Casual sex means poorer quality sex because you do not know or understand your partner well enough to optimize the experience for each other. In this case, it was tragicomic sex. If I didn’t feel guilty about leaving the poor guy it would make a funny story.

But he was a nice guy, and we could talk for hours. If we had gotten to know each other it would not have ended in such an embarrassing manner. I would have understood and had been able to accommodate his disability, instead of being baffled and giving up.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Casual sex is amazingly easy to attain in the Internet age. I wish all the adventurers out there luck! Be brave and inquisitive enough to know your partner’s expectations and physical limitations so you can make sure you have a good time.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s a wonderful site that makes for addictive reading. It’s fascinating to see the array of experiences from multiple perspectives.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!