Drunk And Definitely Not In Love

by Drunk girl

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 22
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Asia
What country and/or city do you live in? Malaysia
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Teacher
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Buddhist
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 18 approx.
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Drunk And Definitely Not In Love

How long ago did this hookup happen? 2 years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was dark haired and handsome and a bit taller than me. He approached me in the club and at first, I wasn’t really interested but after talking for a while I realized how sweet and nice he was and became attracted to him.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? It began in the club. We had a lot to drink and we were getting more and more into each other. We kissed in the club and got a taxi to his place.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We had some coke and had sex. I was aware it was happening when it was and consented to it. However I must have blacked out and when I woke up (I’m not sure how much later this was) he was penetrating my vagina with his penis, I felt him on top of me and inside me and my heart started racing. I said something to the effect of ‘what are you doing ?????’ I jumped up and ran out of his room and apartment and screamed crying for at least 30 minutes. I could not stop crying. I was in utter shock.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? I don’t know

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Again I was in shock and didn’t know what to think. I felt completely taken advantage of and devastated. I did not want him anywhere near me or to touch me at all. He was clearly absolutely shaken at my reaction and claimed that he truly believed I was awake and had moaned (possibly in my sleep) when I certainly wasn’t. I couldn’t look at him and couldn’t calm down and he was getting upset and very worried at my behavior. I asked him to drive me home as I was truly devastated. After driving a bit I calmed down and agreed to hear him out. I listened and truly believed he was incredibly sorry and didn’t mean for what happened to had happened. We spent a few more hours together and talked and talked. He was a good kind person and treated me well. We actually saw each other and slept together another few times following this. I know you’re probably thinking how could I but I truly believed it was not intentional and decided to forgive him. We got on well and enjoyed each other’s company. I didn’t have any expectations as I was in a city away from home when this happened. We have only talked recently. I don’t want to be involved with him again but I always will wish the best for him.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) I don’t know if my partner was on any (other) method

What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Intoxication

How intoxicated were you? Completely wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol, Cocaine

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol, Cocaine

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I talked to my best friend minutes after the incident happened. She was extremely concerned and worried.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat

Why do you regret this hookup? I would not have been put through that emotional rollercoaster of being taken advantage of. It is hard to descibe how that sort of experience effects you. I have huge trust issues with men and keep them at a good distance from me.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I was so wasted I felt like everything was better than it was.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I was taken advantage of due to my careless taking of substances and also his careless choices. It has also had an emotional toll on me.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, it has made me so much more cautious in what I drink and I don’t take drugs anymore. I don’t ever want to be so wasted that I fall into a deep sleep and put myself in the position for anything to happen to me. It has shown me along with other hook ups that I was hooking up with them because of deep insecurity and loneliness.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Generally I don’t believe casual sex is an awful thing. If two people want to have fun and use protection that’s fine. However I can now see at 22 after taking a step aside from my major life crutch alcohol, that my frequent hookups with hot strangers were my way of trying to feel something. I was hugely insecure, felt ugly and drank so much to the point where I would black out in the middle of clubs quite frequently. This liquid confidence pushed me into the arms of guys who I couldn’t believe wanted me !! So yes at first I felt pressured to have sex with them but then I would be the one initiating it as a way to feel in control, as I had no control on my sober everyday life. For me casual sex only happened when I was off my head on alcohol, I wouldn’t have had had sex with these people so quickly had I been sober.
I would much prefer to have sex with one person regularly for a period of time than random people.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think it’s great. Reading others stories is comforting and reassuring. It is also educational and interesting. A great idea!

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!