First Gay Experience

by Someoneyoudontknow

What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 28
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? United States
Highest education received: Some college (not currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Restaurant kitchen
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Unsure / Questioning
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Mostly confused and sad, haha
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 3
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

First Gay Experience

How long ago did this hookup happen? Two years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Random, unexpected encounter

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was a young guy, probably two or three years younger than me. I was 26 at the time. He was short, muscular, and of indeterminate ethnicity. I couldn’t tell you what his background was, because it never came up, but he had olive skin, wide eyes, and spikey gelled black/brown hair.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I decided I wanted to go out and have fun. I was determined! I was sick of being cooped up and never getting to enjoy myself… And I was lonely. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sincerely looking for sex that night.

Going out by myself, I eventually bumped into a group of guys that I knew. They were all about five years younger than me, college kids who were friends with my cousin. I was drinking and hanging out with them. Me and the one I knew the best eventually got separated from the main group around last call, and somehow this led to us going to two houses of people we had never met.

One was the manager of a local restaurant downtown. He was African American and gay, in my overwhelmingly white, fairly conservative town. He and my friend made out some before and after we went to his place.

Backtracking a bit: there were five of us in this group, later 6. Other than myself and my cousin’s friend, there was a heavyset girl a few years older than me, her skinny guy friend, and the restaurant owner. Later, one of his gay friends showed up, a young man who was Hispanic/Arab looking. My cousins friend and the restaurant owner disappeared to the back of his house for awhile, and the girl sat on my lap. She said we were going to have sex when we got back to her place, and I felt I had succeeded in my original quest to get laid. She wasn’t very cute, but I thought she was cute enough. I had done this many times–going out to the bars, alone, hoping to find someone to hook up with, and for once it seemed to pay off.

Eventually my cousins friend reappeared from wherever he went with the restaurant owner, freaked out and ready to leave.

Worth mentioning: my cousins friend identified as straight and had a live-in girlfriend. So I guess he wasn’t taking too much to his make out sessions (and whatever else went on while they were in back) with the restaurant owner. He called for a cab and the five of us left the restaurant owners house fairly quickly.

We went to the girls place and starting drinking more, and listening to music. The girl seemingly backtracked on the idea of having sex with me. Oh well, I thought. I had never succeeded in my desperate attempts to find female company before so why should I be surprised I’m not now? After a few hours I went to the bathroom, and when I came out my cousins friend and the girl were making out and playing with each other on the couch. I became upset and started yelling. I called the girl a slut and she tried to kick me out of her house. Said she would grab her gun and shoot me if I didn’t leave immediately. Her Hispanic friend asked her to calm down and said that he would take me upstairs and try to get me to calm down.

We went upstairs and I laid down on the bed up there. I began to weep. The guy asked me what was wrong and I told him I felt horribly lonely and sad. I told him I hated myself and my life. He slowly laid down next to me and put his arms around me. Eventually his hand moved down to my leg. We looked at each other, and our faces slowly moved towards each other until we locked lips and started making out on the bed.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Because the bed had no privacy (it wasn’t in a separate bedroom), the guy suggested we take things into the bathroom. We went in there, turned the lights off, and began making out again and rubbing our hands all over our bodies. He pinched my nipples and asked me if it felt good. Yes, I replied.

I had never been with a guy before, but I had many doubts about my sexuality, doubts going back over ten years and continuing to this day, but I must admit part of me was very turned on by him. In the moment I was convinced I was gay, and I felt very aroused and excited. I was 26, and had only had sex once before, and that was five years earlier. In fact, I was first to pull down his pants and begin sucking on his penis. After a while he pulled me up, then went down on me.

The bathroom door wasn’t locked so the girl’s skinny friend walked in on him blowing me. Embarrassed, I quickly talked my cousin’s friend into leaving with me, even though neither of us were anywhere near home. We walked towards my home for three goddamn hours until I called another friend of mine to come pick me up. We bickered and argued a lot. He chastised me for being a “buzzkill”, “negative” and “a pussy”. I attacked him for cheating on his girlfriend, and thinking of nobody but himself. He wasn’t aware of my hookup with the other guy.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? No

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I never saw him again, and frankly I was so drunk that night I don’t think I’d even recognize him if I did. I couldn’t tell you his name, or much of anything about him. The next day I didn’t even remember what had happened at first. When I did, I felt emotionally overwhelmed, confused, and hurt. I stayed sober for several months afterwards.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Intoxication, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Power / Dominance, Submission / Relinquishing power, Making new friends, Peer pressure, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Completely wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? I don’t know

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told most of my closest friends and family members about it. Most were supportive. Many tried to reassure me that that it “didn’t make me gay, although I didn’t feel at all reassured.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Very much

Why do you regret this hookup? My big regret was how I relied on alcohol to get there. Because of how drunk I was, it’s very hard to say how I would’ve reacted had I been sober. I could barely stand that night (fell down more than once), so it’s hard to know how much of my desire was sincere and how much was just blue balls from the girl’s rejection and alcohol induced low inhibitions.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Although I didn’t cum, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. It’s strange. I had sex with a girl in a very drunken one-night stand five years earlier, going into it with a sense I was probably gay. I went into this one just as drunk, but mostly convinced I was straight. Certainly, at the time it had a strange effect of reigniting my “gay panic,” yet reassuring me that it wouldn’t be a bad thing to be gay.

In many ways I had never felt more turned on. The guy was hot. Part of me still wishes we had gone all the way.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I felt more confused about my sexuality than I had going into it.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Honestly no. I have never had an easy time defining myself sexually before this and nothing that’s happened since then has brought any more clarity, just more confusion. I suppose for awhile I felt more confident and relaxed about sex, but this happened two years ago and I’ve since reverted back to insecurity.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? No

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I don’t think casual sex has been a good thing for me or society as a whole. I think traditional ideals about monogamy and marriage have been unfairly maligned and had much more practical reasons behind them than “what it says in the bible”. Casual sex is a recipe for hurt feelings, diseases, abortions, and unwanted children.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I’ve read some stories on here I’m pretty sure are bs, haha. A lot of these read like erotic fiction written by guys who are writing about desired experiences, not real ones they had. I am limiting myself to real stories and will be sharing more.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!