Race/ethnicity: South Asian
Location: Pacific Northwest
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
Relationship status: Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? I prefer and enjoy monogamy, but in the same way that one likes and prefers chocolate ice cream and is sometimes in the mood for cherry.
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 4
Game Knows Game
How long ago did this hookup happen? A few years ago
How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I met V. at a party that some classmates of mine were hosting while I was in grad school. The host’s family was big in the Indian immigrant community in my city, so no surprise, there were a lot of Indians and Bangladeshis there. However, I’ve never really felt at home with that lot because I’ve been raised in the West. My Hindi is non-existent. I played more baseball than cricket, and eat more fried chicken than curry. She didn’t seem like she fit in either, and after we were introduced, it turned out that she was raised in England, and was just going to school here. Her accent was this super posh British thing that I found to be kinda hot. Somehow we got into conversation about how we felt alone at what was supposed to be a party of ‘our people’.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? At some point, she excused herself to go have a cigarette, and I followed her outside. There were a bunch of older guys outside, jabbering and we walked away from them to be heard in conversation, and we just kind of kept walking and talking. V. was kind of fascinating, coming from a relatively wealthy family and had all of these tales of prep schools and Swiss ski vacations, but I think she also found my stories of growing up in America amongst hicks kind of endearing. She asked me if I found it lonely not being around Indians or Pakistanis and I said that it wasn’t so bad, that I never felt like I forgot about the color of my skin, but I always felt like I was “almost” white.
And then she asked if I was one of those second/third generation immigrant kids who only ever dated white girls. I looked back at her, a little shocked, but also a little appalled at myself because she was right. And I asked “is that a thing? Like an actual fetish?”
“Oh yeah. But, I’m the same way.” She’s only ever been with white guys, “except this one handsome black French kid because I was curious”, but she didn’t think of it as “aspiring to be white” but that she was raised non-traditional, and she found the mannerisms and attitudes of our traditional immigrant communities to be really provincial and kind of embarrassing.
“Like, the head bobble?” I said, doing my best impression of the stereotypical South Asian enthusiastic head nodding, “I gotta admit, a pretty girl who does that? Total deal-breaker.”
I was kind of racist, but in context we found that hilarious. And after some more stereotype jokes, we stopped laughing and we looked at each other and I asked her, “So, for serious, you’ve never been with another ‘one of our kind’?”
And we kind of looked at each other, and I think we both knew then that we were curious, but I got nervous about making a pass at her. She finished her cig and we want back to the party.
Then, later on in the party, I saw V. start to leave and I asked her which way she was headed, and I offered to split a cab with her. She said yes.
I took her hand, as we walked down to a cab stand, and she pressed up against me I leaned into the window to relay directions to her place to the cabbie. I started giving him my address, but she started to kiss my ear and told me to just get in the cab.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We had started making out in the cab, and I remember leaving the driver a bit of a generous tip because making accurate change wasn’t important to me. She let me in to her place and shushed me to be quiet because she though her roommates were asleep; but I remember that she was a bit giggly and drunk as we made our way to her bedroom and I wasn’t sure if I could be any louder than her.
I remember that she was pretty aggressive and domineering in the beginning and while we started a bit with taking turns on oral to warm each other up, once we were both ready, she got on top and started going at it pretty hard. At some point, we flipped so that I was on top, and I kind of had her jack-knifed with her legs way up and me pile-driving her. It was about as aggressive as I’d ever been with someone and I swear that we were about to splinter her bed.
She came about as explosively as she fucked, and I’m not sure if I did or not because it was all kind of whoa and overwhelming. I felt good though, like I just stood in front of a nuclear test and felt all of the heat and light wash over me and survived to tell the tale. I also kept thinking about and feeling bad for the roommates.
V and I wound up cuddling and talking for a bit, discussing the various bits of baggage of cross-race dating, or being a third culture kid who doesn’t belong in your ‘ethnic’ culture or in your actual birthplace. I remember feeling like I could fall for this girl, because she got me, though there was a snobbishness to her that I knew I’d find irritating after a while. She was also planning on moving back to Europe after school was done, so she was totally in anchor-free mode.
We started kissing and getting warmed up again, but I think the alcohol and late hour got the better of us and we wound up passing out before it went anywhere.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? Condoms. Didn’t get too much into talking about STIs though because, I think that lust was making us reckless.
What were your REASONS for having this hookup? Curiosity, and maybe an itch to have “sex with my own kind” crossed off as a thing to have done. Which is kind of racist in its own way, but I think she was coming from that same direction too … so the racism is less offensive than more an admission of the way the world worked? She had fantastic cheekbones and an ass that I couldn’t stop looking at. I don’t know … talking with her was great in that it gave me a chance to process this stuff with someone who actually got it, and she was smart and really great about challenging me or pushing me to realize some misconceptions that I wasn’t confronting.
Also, this was the first (and only) time that I actually picked somebody up at a party and had sex with them that day. All of my other casual sex encounters have been with friends or acquaintances where some kind of sexual tension emerged after a few encounters or a few years. That was also kind of thrilling, but I think in retrospect, not something I’m wired for mentally.
Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? We both had some wine to drink at the party, though I think she had more of it than I did. Or she may just have been a loud drunk.
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The morning was a little awkward because I had to confront the roommates who were visibly annoyed with our antics, but probably more at V. than me, but they certainly didn’t hold me as innocent (nor should they). I liked her and I would’ve totally wanted to see her again, but I think that she was already planning her exit from her cross-Atlantic adventure and didn’t want to commit to anything. We texted for a bit but she stopped responding one day and I didn’t push it.
I weighed whether or not I would post this here because I didn’t take this as a casual encounter going into it, and I was actually pretty disappointed that as far as she was concerned, I was just an answer to a question that she had. But in the end, it was a casual encounter, just one that was enforced by one party’s action instead of both.
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I talked to a couple of my friends, mostly other Asian (Chinese, Indian, Korean, whatever) guys when we talked about the sort of semi-elusive unicorn of finding someone who fit each of our unique needs for traditional ethnic vs. western. We kind of agree that we’d have better luck with not holding out hope for it because a) it’s rare and b) opposites attract too, but it’s a fun thing to think about sometimes.
Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Consensual for both
Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? Maybe a little because it was just a one night stand, and I was hoping for more.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing was talking to her and being with someone who just ‘got’ me on a deep cultural level. Like, I didn’t have to explain anything, one of us would just kind of say, “being the asexual nerd who helps you with math homework.” “kinda sucks doesn’t it?” “word.” and we’d fist-bump in the dark. Ok, the fist-bumping I made up.
The worst thing was being rejected for any other interaction. As I mentioned, many of my other casual sex encounters have been, paradoxically, the product of a few weeks, months, or years of getting to know someone and having some kind of communication around what the expectations of becoming intimate are. This was the only encounter I’ve had where I rushed into it and, perhaps, let someone else sweep me along. I didn’t stop to question what I really wanted and ask her if she was prepared to give it, and I got hurt by it.
I think one thing that it did change about me was, like, my first casual encounter where someone else pursued me, it was reaffirming and nice to have someone clearly express an attraction to me; but also have that attraction expressed without the baggage or filtering BS of racial stereotyping. Even though we think we’re past that in this day-and-age there are still a lot of implicit biases that we all carry around that color the way we view others as ‘attractive’. V. said to me that she had a bit of respect for any mixed race couple because it probably meant that one of them had to be twice as hot to push past all of the eunuchizing BS that mainstream culture puts out about how Indian and Chinese folks are only good for being nerds and comedy foils, or the ‘normal’ black or white person had to be twice as enlightened to not be mis-programmed by that crap. It’s changed a lot of my outlooks and thoughts on attraction.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? I don’t want to turn this into a ‘white privilege’ rant because I find that those kinds of screeds just wind up making people feel ineffectually guilty then resentful. It’s cathartic for me to rant about how it’s bullshit, but it doesn’t help the rest of you when you realize the privilege of having your skin color be the default for what is ‘attractive’ is something that you’re born with and you can’t change how you look. Instead, I will say this — imagine a world where the movies, tv shows and comics that we read have a truly multi-racial cast of characters — not just a Star Trek token universe where the Asian guy is the math nerd navigator and the exotic is a black woman, but one where the main hero is Indian or Latino or Cherokee and it kind of doesn’t matter. Imagine stories where the black women aren’t always sassy, and the Latino guys aren’t always spicy lovers, and the Jewish dudes aren’t always neurotic. Imagine that we can arrive in all of the flavors and varieties that normal characters come in. As jocks, hipsters, cowboys, rock stars, nerds, poets, schlubs and every other variety of dude or dudette you can imagine. And the next time you might reject someone because “you don’t have a thing for ‘those people'” stop and ask why you think that. Even if it’s your own race (because I need to call myself on my own BS there). If you don’t think you can give yourself a good reason besides their race, then put it aside for a moment and think about fucking them. It might surprise you.
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