Getting What You Expect



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 46
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Providence, RI
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Mental Health Counselor
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Wiccan / Pagan
How religious are you? Somewhat
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Spectrum
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 25
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? none

Getting What You Expect

How long ago did this hookup happen? five years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was very good looking, but slightly rough. Well-toned body, good shoulders. Winning smile, sexy energy. He was at a friend’s party. We just hit it off, he was intelligent and smart (those are different qualities). I felt like he was fun and we were adults who were mutually attracted to each other, lubricated by alcohol. Too much, actually.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We were having some skin-to-skin contact under the outdoor dining table. It was natural, no planning. I don’t think anyone instigated it, because it just seemed to happen naturally. Chemical.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? At one point, he said, “Let’s go back to your house and slow-fuck.” We had not even kissed yet, but had been touching, no genitalia involved, for about an hour, secretly. He was desirous and respectful, powerful but honoring and later demonstrated he could kiss like nobody’s business. I probably could have just made-out all night without sex, because as it turned out, he did not “slow fuck” me. Even oral was disappointing, which surprised me because of the skillfulness of his kissing. Damn. It ended when I took him home early in the morning, still slightly drunk and heading for a hangover. I didn’t see him again, but I did talk to him.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I felt ambivalent about it, mostly because of the cost-benefit analysis. It wasn’t even good 🙁 I respect him, though. About two months later, I fell very ill, with sudden chills, fever, body aches. I was terrified I had HIV. But I had been tested just before we hooked up, and so had he (claimed). I actually called him and confronted this possibility. He was only mildly annoyed and allayed my fears as best he could. I found out a few days later I had an early Lyme disease infection.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Intoxication, I was feeling lonely

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? No one. Ever.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I felt sexy and desired. And the kissing.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The sex and the “after effects.” I don’t regret stuff, as a rule, but I became pretty convinced that I never want to do it again. FWB is the only way to go for me. Of course, now, I’m happily sexed up in my marriage.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? No, it only confirmed what I thought.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I think about him once in a while, but it doesn’t come with the urge to contact him. I’m a little embarrassed, partly because although I’m sexually experienced and able to please my partner very well, casual sex is a realm in which I’m not well-versed. It feels awkward to me. I think the reason I allowed this was because I felt so comfortable with him. Even the next day I was comfortable, but the spark was gone (sex not satisfying).

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I don’t think it’s very smart. Or intelligent. I could write a Dissertation on this alone. Mostly, it seems like our culture is addicted to sex because we are so unsatisfied in so many other areas. Sex is a drug that is easy to get, is usually free, and is often pleasurable ENOUGH that we’ll do it whenever it’s offered. We’re probably seeking some kind of connection and we thing casual sex is an easy way to feel connected without doing the work of a long-term connection. It’s almost narcissistic. As a counselor, I often have to fake my ‘non-plussed’ face when I am actually astonished by the stuff people do for sex. I consider myself pretty liberated, open-minded, etc. Not a prude in bed, blah blah, choking, blah blah, anal, etc. Whatever. But casual sex is a stumbler for me. And by that I mean Hook-up style, never met them before, have no plans to ever see them again kind of thing. FWB is different.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s revelatory.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!