Living a Shitty Lie

by Sarah

Gender: Female
Age: 22
Race/ethnicity: White
Location: North Carolina
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: Student
Relationship status: Single
Religious affiliation: n/a
How religious are you? A little
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 14
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Living a Shitty Lie

How long ago did this hookup happen? 2 months ago

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? Short fling/one-night stand

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My partner was very handsome; brunette, about 5’10 with facial hair. He’s Spanish. I knew him minimally; we had hooked up (kissing, a few bases) 2 times before we fucked. I met him downtown at a bar (through mutual friends), and then we got reacquainted through a class. We were reintroduced and then kept seeing each other around, and then something sparked between us in the midst of these interactions. When I first met him I didn’t really think much of him; I was invested/preoccupied with other people (one of them being my ‘boyfriend’ – I use the term loosely, for which was once a prospering relationship was now a crumbling one. I was emotionally invested in other people, and interested in about anyone but him at the time. Shitty on my part, yes I know). The minimal interest I had over this new guy all changed almost overnight one day, and all of the sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Later that week, we ran into each other and found out we’d be going to the same party later than night. Fast forward, we spent the whole night together and then he wound up going home with me for the first time.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? After he went home with me the one night, we hooked up again the following week. We did more than we did the first time. We were both driving each other crazy–I hadn’t felt this turned on by someone in a WHILE. I could feel my self going crazy over him, but I promised myself I wouldn’t fuck him until we hung out a few more times, and I got to know him more. After all, I was still technically together with my boyfriend and I didn’t want to do anything further. (Might I add he had no idea I was together with anyone else. Again, shitty on my part, I know. I was just totally unsatisfied in my relationship and looking to fill the void [Should have cut it off, I’m a bad person, etc. I know, I know]). After the second time we hooked up I couldn’t get him off my mind. He was sexy and charming and pretty good at what he did. He was also smart and had an interesting story, and it made me even more absorbed. I was very fixated on him after having known him for only a short period of time. I definitely wanted to fuck, but I wanted to wait, as to not ruin a good thing, and to cut it off with my boyfriend. So the next week we both got invited to a big formal party our school was hosting. I didn’t know he was going to be there, and was very pleasantly surprised to see him there, and I could tell he felt the same. Fast forward to the after party, and we were both wasted, and all over each other. I wish I hadn’t been that drunk. We planned to go home together. We kept getting more drunk. We danced and made fools of ourselves. We eventually stumbled out of the bar and then it starts to get blurry. Eventually I remember him suggesting “Let’s just take a cab back,” and I complied. We got to his place and it’s fuzzy again. I remember chugging water in his kitchen, trying to sober up. Then we decided to go to bed.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Fast forward 10 minutes into the bedroom and he’s eating me out. I always feel uncomfortable when guys I don’t know well eat me out–it’s such a personal thing to do! Pretty soon he was suggesting we fuck, to which I said “no,” to which he pestered and tried to convince me. I eventually gave up and said “Do you have a condom?” and he did. So before we fucked I told him that I wanted to fuck him all summer. I didn’t want it to be a one time thing–I wasn’t in to one-time things. He told me we would fuck the whole summer, and more. So we fucked. It was sloppy, and he finished fast, and I was too drunk to even enjoy it. I didn’t finish. In the morning we fucked again, and I was still buzzing hard, but had the capacity to enjoy it a little more. He told me he wanted me to ride him, and I did, and he told me I was “really good” at it, then busted. After he finished he rolled over and hardly said two words to me the rest of the morning. It was then the reality of the situation began to sink in–we probably weren’t going to fuck the rest of the summer, and I totally just got used. And I cheated on my boyfriend to the fullest extent. And I mildly hated myself for letting all of this happen. He eventually got up to shower, then said he had to go to work soon, and I got the hint, got my shit together and got ready to leave. He told me his parents were coming to town for graduation (which was a week away) and then they were going to be traveling up the east coast to various cities so he would be gone for a while. Then he kissed me goodbye and told him to let me know when I got home, which I didn’t think was too sincere.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? I was on the pill at the time and we used a condom both times for vaginal sex but not for oral. I asked him if he was clean and he told me he was.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? As previously mentioned, I was unsatisfied in my relationship, and longing for something/someone else. I wanted him–badly– so I gave in to my temptation and went for it.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? As previously noted, we were wasted. Lots of alcohol was involved. I know he had a lot to drink, but I can’t say how much. Personally I probably had 10-12 drinks.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? After the hook up I felt used, but optimistic that we’d hook up again. We were always seeing each other out, and clearly attracted to each other, and he said I was good. I thought I’d see him when he got back from the trip with his parents. I remained hopeful we’d be fuck buddies during the summer. Fast forward to a few days before graduation at one of my favorite bars, and he shows up, and is all over this girl who I don’t particularly care for. Cue me being drunk and getting upset. I was over it and decided to leave. I gave him a hug goodbye and said “See ya never!” which prompted him to question why I said that and what was wrong. I danced around the issue, not wanting to talk about it in close proximity to so many people we knew. He said he couldn’t think of any reason why I could be mad at him, and he didn’t think he did anything wrong. He then said I was “trying to act like we were girlfriend and boyfriend”. HA. Right. No. I rolled my eyes and left, texting him later to tell him, in a nut shell, I thought he was an ass for fucking me and then being all over some other girl at the bar less than a week later, acting like I didn’t exist. He didn’t respond until almost 24 hours later and said “Sorry, but when I go out with my friends, I just want to have a good time, and then you get mad.” I didn’t want to seem like a crazy person so I replied “Sorry, shouldn’t have said anything, hope you had a good time.” At this point in the story you can guess I was feeling SHITTY.
The weeks following his trip I saw him out with that same girl multiple times, and recently I’ve seen him out with an array of others. He always comes up to say hello when I see him, and I see him staring at me when I bring other guys around. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking–what’s going through his mind. But I never asked, and probably never will.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I didn’t really talk about the hook up to anyone, for fear they would judge me for cheating on my boyfriend. I eventually told a few people mild details about what happened, but still haven’t told many people I fucked him. So I can’t even gauge their reactions honestly, because they don’t know what honestly happened. But based off the details my friends do know, they obviously think he is an ass, a player, etc. etc. Actually, the only person who really knows what happened is my sister, and she shared my sentiments in telling me “Are you kidding me? That guy sucks.” On a side note, it actually feels really great to get all of his off my chest, out in the open, and be completely honest about the situation and what happened for one of the first times ever.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? I did want to hook up with him, and I did want to fuck him. I just wish I had waited longer. If I hadn’t been so drunk, this probably would have been the case. I like to tell myself that the outcome would have been the same if we had waited or not, just to make myself feel better, because I feel like a fucking idiot for getting that drunk and loosing my inhibition.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I don’t like to have regrets–life really is too short to have regrets. I found this quote recently that somewhat expressed my sentiments: “One day I just woke up and realized that I can’t touch yesterday. So why the heck was I letting it touch me?” – Steve Maraboli. From experience can come a feeling of regret, but that regret should really be channeled into future wisdom, and gratitude for having learned a lesson. That’s the way I choose to look at it. So no, I won’t say I regret the hook up. I am disappointed in myself for putting myself in this situation, especially when I had a boyfriend. I am upset I let myself get played (after having been playing for so long, shouldn’t I have had my wits about me?), and I am mostly upset about getting so drunk and not resisting the temptation.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing about this hook up was the short-term satisfaction. I was happy in the moment when it happened, and that’s another reason why I don’t regret it. As that cliché quote once said: “Regret nothing, because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted.” And it’s true. Throughout that month, and each individual hook up, I was doing exactly what I wanted to do. It’s what happened after that burned me.
The worst thing about this hook up is hurting my boyfriend who has never cheated on me, and probably never would either. He is such a committed person to me and the guilt I felt after cheating came on slow and suddenly, but it was real. Also the other worst part is that I swore I would never cheat on anyone, and so it makes me feel like a shitty person that I was disloyal to myself as well.
One more shitty part about this ordeal is the resentment I feel towards this dude still, and the desire I still have for him to want me back, even after he treated me. If I can pepper in one more quote: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” That’s me in this situation. So I’m trying hard to let it go. To forget about it. To move on. But it’s difficult. Anytime I go out, I hope he will be there, and anytime he’s there, I hope he will come talk to me. All the while I have to play it cool and act uninterested and like I don’t care, which is exhausting and petty, but is the reality for myself and so many others in similar situations as well. 
This hook up hasn’t altered my perception on casual sex or sexuality that much. I suppose it has altered the view of myself, though. I realized I am capable of things I never thought I would be. And I realized I am a shittier person that I thought I would ever be.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

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