Mixed Emotions

by Alexandra

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 25
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? New York
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Art, food, culture, social, and literature community commenter
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (open)
What’s your sexual orientation? Unsure / Questioning
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? +50 maybe? not sure
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Mixed Emotions

How long ago did this hookup happen? almost 10 years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a year

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I knew him in passing. We met through friends and officially met at a party. I was a little intimidated by him, he’s older. He was well liked and quite hot. Short but hot. He seemed to have his pick of girls, and was extremely nice. Everyone liked him. It’s taken me years to replay this, but I think this is why I was jealous and intimidated. He seemed to be every where and was with friends all the time. I was more mad that he picked my friend to talk to even though I thought he could do better. I believed that he should’ve talked to me instead, and just never understood why he didn’t pay attention to me.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? It happened at a party. I wasn’t planning any of this, but it was frustrating watching him prance around with other girls. I felt like he was playing a game, ignoring me to get my attention. Like he talked to everyone but me, and I felt slightly upset. Was I not good enough? Was it a game? Was he intimidated by me? Did he like these other girls and flirt with them because he thought they were prettier? I didn’t like a few of the girls at the party so I had a point to prove. He was older and popular. I was trying to get his attention, but it didn’t work. Ultimately, I just walked up to him and whispered in his ear the dirty things I wanted to do. He laughed it off and I told him if he didn’t do them to me, I would just go masturbate to the thought of it and send him pictures. He said he would like that. I told him he’ll like it even more in person, first hand. I tried to kiss him and he leaned away, it wasn’t until we left the party and no one was around that he kissed me back. My friend was making out with him earlier so I just felt like I needed to win the competition.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We made out, and I gave him head. Usually I don’t give guys head the first time, but since he asked and I felt like he was going to leave, I did.  We dry humped for a little, with him on bottom and me on top, and continued to make out. He got a few phone calls and seemed like he was going to leave so I rolled over and started masturbating with my panties still on. I asked him for help taking my bra off so I could rub my nipples, and that seemed to get him back on track. He fingered me a little and I told him I wanted him, he told me he wanted me. We moved to a different spot and he felt me up. I was on bottom and asked for oral. He said he didn’t want to give me oral. I was really offended. I saw him smell his fingers secretly. I asked again and he said maybe in a little bit. I got him and myself naked. I pulled out a condom, smiled, and just put it on him. He grabbed me and lifted me on to him while both of us were standing and we had pretty normal sex. He finished and I didn’t, he was dressing and I asked him if he could give me oral or finger me or something so I could finish too. This was where I should have seen the red flag. He said no and tried to leave. I asked him to watch me finish myself. He did and then I told him I wanted to try it a little rougher and could tell that he was getting hard again watching me cum. I asked him to pull my hair and spank me and bend me over. He was pulling, spanking, pushing, and doing everything I wanted. This time I sucked him oral when he said he was getting close. His face seemed to light up when I took off the condom and got on my knees. I swallowed and asked if he wanted to get food. We got back to my place and he said he didn’t want food and that he wanted to leave because he had a big test coming up on Monday. I strip-teased for him and made him feel a little guilty for leaving me. He stayed and had to try and get it up. I was a little disappointed he couldn’t get it up, and it made me feel like he wasn’t attracted to me. I put another condom on and rode him on my bed for as long as he could stand and then sucked him orally when he went limp. I asked him to finish on my face. He complied. After, he tried to go to bed/pretend he was asleep. I gave him a break and used a vibrator to entice him again. He was turned on after I orgasmed a few times and then we had sex again. I could tell he was dis-interested (he kept saying tired), so I just rode him. I pretended to be cold and he held me. We talked a little about life and future plans. He said he wanted to remain single. His phone kept ringing with text and calls. I could tell they were late night booty calls for hook ups but he turned it on silent. I felt a little more proud that he chose me and stayed all night. In the morning we had sex again, even though we ran out of condoms, but he eventually said it was okay. This time he seemed to have energy back. Then my housemate walked in mid sex, and it threw him off, he suddenly stopped and started to get dressed. He said his mood was interrupted. I made him jerk off until he was hard again. We finished reluctantly because I could tell he wasn’t in the mood and I wasn’t either. He didn’t want to get breakfast and didn’t want to talk much. I asked if he wanted to try anal. He looked like he felt bad for me and took pity on me. He tried but just gave up and left. I stuffed one of my panties in his back pocket to get him to remember me. Maybe bring it back or call me, but I guess it must have fell out when he was getting dressed. I tried to kiss him goodbye, but he just hugged me and left. I asked if I was kinky enough for him and he said it was great, which I don’t understand because if it was so great why would he have left? Eventually he left, and I finished myself off masturbating. The sex was great, but not enough connection, emotion, talking, or eye contact. It was more sex than love making. I was hoping he would want to be intimate, but he was looking for a quickie. I’ve seen him a few times and he hasn’t really talked to me since. Just a head nod and smile.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I asked for morning sex, and he ignored me. I felt dejected and used. He didn’t want to trade phone numbers. He rejected a friend request that morning, and ignored me when I asked if I left my panties and bra with him. I really did lose my panties and bra so it wasn’t just an excuse to talk to him. I was hoping he would at least want to see me again, but understand that he felt pressured that night. I now hope he forgives me. I don’t think we’ll ever have sex again. I feel a little guilty.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, Discussed STI testing history

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, Power / Dominance, Submission / Relinquishing power, Making new friends, Everyone else was/is doing it, Peer pressure, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner, Revenge / Getting even, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? A little tipsy/high

What substances did you consume? Alcohol, Cocaine

How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Somewhat

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? a few friends, they thought it was funny but I felt a little easy and slutty.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Do you regret this hookup? A little bit

Why do you regret this hookup? I enjoyed the sex, probably one of the best I’ve ever had. I sometimes fantasize about that night and wish other partners could have had that much fun. However, I was young, ashamed, and embarrassed, so I blamed him and shut him out of my life. I wish we hooked up a few more times and saw where things led to. I pressured him to keep performing when he said no – not how I want to be.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The sex

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The aftermath fallout

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I am more open to casual sex

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I feel bad for pressuring him physically and emotionally. I think he wanted a quick one and done, but I made him perform several times again. I feared he would use it as a one nighter and move on to other girls so I wanted to get as much as I could, all the while showing him a wide variety of positions and willingness to satisfy. I got a little angry when he said no, but kept him going eventually. I felt like he didn’t want me as much after the first orgasm (his). I felt a little used because he walked away after that. I probably wouldn’t push someone now if they said no. I feel good for exploring new physical territory. I’m embarrassed that I was young and had to prove to him, myself, and my friends that I was “worthy” and better than other girls. I have much better self esteem now.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I enjoy it, not as much as connected sex, but every now and then, more than casual sex.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Empowering

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