My Complicated Feelings



What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 19
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? United States
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Student
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Spiritual but not religious
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 12
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

My Complicated Feelings

How long ago did this hookup happen? Three weeks ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I met her at a party. I was told that she was really drunk though and so I wondered if it was a good idea for me to talk to her. I thought she was pretty though and I was pretty intoxicated so I was just living in the moment at the time.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? She started talking to me though, and getting more flirtatious. I figured I might as well talk to her, it took like three minutes and then she started making out with me and was really really good at it. I couldn’t resist at that point.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? It was very passionate. Most passionate and pleasurable hookup I have ever experienced. It was pretty vanilla stuff but it was so good that I almost instantly felt a sort of addiction to her. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other during the night and I didn’t want it to ever end.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I instantly wanted more. Couldn’t stop thinking about it and masturbating because I got so turned on by the thoughts that I couldn’t think of anything else. I have never previously masturbated before noon but I did the day after. I spaced out when talking to my roommates because all I could do was replay images from the previous night. I texted her again saying that I had fun and hoped to see her again soon. She texted me back saying the same thing so I had hopes that we’d see each other again. Unfortunately though, we have not, at first I made an attempt to get together again and she made an excuse for why she couldn’t. Then, I made another attempt and she simply didn’t respond. I guess I’m just really disappointed. I don’t harbor any ill feelings towards her, I’m just disappointed that we never met again.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s)

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol, Marijuana, hashish

How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My roommates, and I told my parents a clean version of it. My roommates were pretty nonchalant about it. We didn’t really talk about it much. I started complaining to my roommates though that no girl ever seems to want me again the next day. My roommate’s response was, “you have to understand, these girls just want to fuck you and never see your face again. The next day, they probably have work or studying to do and aren’t even thinking about you anymore.” I told him I would like to meet for casual sex with a girl every day and he said that to a lot of people, the idea of casual sex every day makes no sense, that those were fundamentally at odds with each other and that I only wanted that because I’m more horny than most people are. I talked to another roommate of mine and said I don’t understand why people just want to have sex once and then never see someone again and gave him a quote from How I Met Your Mother where Marshall said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “this cake I ate was the best cake I ever had in my life, do you think I just want to eat it once and be done. No! I want to find out who baked that cake and eat more cakes.” His response was “because nobody wants to marry the bakery.” I was annoyed by my roommates’ callous responses to my frustration so I asked my parents for help on how to see her again though and they got pretty invested in trying to help it work. My parents seemed to understand my perspective a lot better than my roommates did.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It felt amazing. It was one of the most intensely pleasurable experiences in my life.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Realizing it will probably never happen again.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? It has made me realize that the way I view casual sex is very different from how a lot of other people seem to view it. I’ve always viewed it as a way to make frequent sex more accessible. Sex happens quicker, you can do it with multiple people, you both understand that you desire physical pleasure from the act and that’s what you’re seeking. I often saw it as an extension of being horny, and a way to have more sex. I considered myself a casual sex kind of person because I have a high sex drive and sex has always been my priority. I haven’t pursued romantic relationships since I was in middle school because I’ve been so focused on getting sex.

I realized after my roommate’s response that casual sex is not always done to maximize the amount of sex one is having, and that for some people, is even done to reduce the amount they’re having because they want to devote as much time to work or study as possible and not spend time with romantic or sexual partners.

I realized for the first time that an environment of casual sex might actually be harming my ability to find satisfaction. I realized that frequency is a lot more important to me than variety. I just wish that I could live in an environment where it was easier to find people who share my desires because I feel surrounded by people who just don’t understand me. The casual sex crowd at my campus doesn’t understand my need for an ongoing sexual arrangement, and the relationship crowd, to the extent that it exists at all on my campus, doesn’t understand why sex is so important to me. So now I feel lonely. I don’t feel anymore like I can identify with either side. I get so frustrated when I hear my peers complaining about seeing their hookups the next day or of somebody wanting to see them again, I just want to say “do you know how much I wish I could have somebody who wanted more than one night of sex from me, how can you sit there complaining to me about it when I’m depressed over the fact that I can’t get what you’re complaining about having.” Its frustrating me to the point where, I actually feel like the casual sex crowd is less relatable for me than the relationship crowd, even though I only care about sex, which is supposed to be the personality of a casual sex person. I absolutely cannot relate anymore though to someone who pursues one night stands, and find that the dominance of this behavior at my university is probably the reason why I’m so unsatisfied and depressed.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? One thing that I really think everybody has wrong is the idea that guys are more into casual sex than girls are. I’ve never seen any evidence in favor of this being true. In-fact, the only evidence I’ve seen is that girls are more into casual sex than guys. I think the reason why is that ultimately casual sex appeals more to people who have an easy time getting it. People who can easily get sex want more variety, whereas people who can’t get it easily are more likely to latch onto the people who have sex with them. This means that a lot of guys don’t think a hookup culture is really helping them get what they need. Hookup culture also seems relatively hostile to guys who are more shy, leading these guys to be more inclined towards monogamy.

Generally, I’ve found that in high school and college, especially back in high school, the girls were much more interested in casual sex than the guys were. They do want it to be more spontaneous based on body language, whereas guys interested in casual sex seem more direct and verbal. Casual sex girls tend to prefer hooking up at parties or nightclubs whereas casual sex guys seem more fond of the idea of a girl they met on Tinder showing up at their apartment and having sex with them.

I do think casual sex has played a huge role in my life as well as the lives of my peers. I pretty much never hear anyone talking about “the one,” or trying to find him/her. Whether people want girlfriends, fuck buddies, or one night stands, it seems to me like finding sex is the central aim of everybody. The main differences are, how much of a role do you want sex to play in your life, how much of it do you want to have, how many people do you want to have it with, and do you want companionship in addition to it, just sex, or do you feel indifferent towards it.

Ultimately, I don’t feel opposed to a culture of casual sex, so much as I feel opposed to the way a lot of people around me are practicing it. I feel like most of it is really disingenuous. Like the goal of a lot of people around me is mostly to rack up bed notches, brag to friends, and increase their social status rather than to experience the pleasures and sensations of sex. I feel like if they were in it for sensual pleasure, they wouldn’t have such black and white thinking where its, one night stand, or marriage. What I wish would change, is that casual sex became less of a competitive game, and more about pleasure. Stop trying to rack up so many numbers and ditch them all and focus more on finding somebody, or maybe multiple people, that blow your mind in bed.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think its interesting and I posted here because I felt like I don’t really have anybody else that I can tell this to.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!