Sex After Rejections



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 48
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? College Administrator
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Spiritual / Unitarian
How religious are you? Somewhat
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? I always thought I was heterosexual but I am interested in exploring
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 15
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Sex after rejections

How long ago did this hookup happen? 23 years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I was drunk. I don’t remember what he looked like. He was OK. Average. Maybe a little below average. I remember his name was Patrick or Pat. We met in a bar and made out on the pool table. It happened really fast. I basically flirted and he flirted and the next thing I know after a bit of conversation we were making out. I didn’t think about my feelings for him, I wanted to have sex to make myself feel valuable and wanted and sexual . I lived in a house with other students and I was very attracted to one who I thought liked me too. It turned out he was dating a rather unattractive woman and wasn’t interested in me. Plus I was still getting over a broken engagement . I felt I needed a man -even for one night.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it?  It began in the bar. Flirting and making out and basically me attacking him. I instigated it. There was no planning. Except maybe in the back of my mind I wanted to hook up with someone that night.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Just really bad vaginal sex. He had trouble getting it up. He had a small penis. It was beyond disappointing. It was embarrassing. But it was sex. The kissing was good. We were both super drunk. I remember him telling me we don’t have to do this. But I said we did or at least set it with my body. He told me his name and gave me his number and that he was a nursing student. He told me to give them a call or something like that, but I knew that I wouldn’t and he wouldn’t contact me. The way he said it made it pretty clear that you didn’t really want me to call. I had no urge to see him again. I was so humiliated. I felt a loss of self-esteem. A big one instead of the increase I was expecting. And I wasn’t interested in him that way – so it meant nothing to me emotionally. I felt sorry for him. I don’t know why. But I felt slightly taken advantage of, because I was so drunk. But I knew that I threw myself at him. It was just really weird. It took me a long time to get over it. Maybe about three weeks. I felt horrible about myself. Nothing good about it.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? No

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now?  I did not expect to see the person again and new he didn’t want to see me. I was humiliated. I felt the loss of self-esteem. I felt guilty. I was depressed. It made me really wonder about how people can have casual sex. At the young age that this happened, I have a lot of moral feelings that this was wrong. But I wonder now, even as a married woman at almost 50, if experimenting a later age would be different. And under different circumstances. Maybe with a woman.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None

What were your motives for this hookup? Intoxication, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, I was feeling lonely, Revenge / Getting even

How intoxicated were you? Completely wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? I don’t know

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? A little bit

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react?  The guy I liked. That didn’t help. He said to forget about it. Also I talked to a male friend. I wound up getting involved with him after that. And I talked to the friend I was at the bar with who is a witness to my picking him up.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Very much

Why do you regret this hookup?  I did it for the wrong reasons. I didn’t use protection. It made me feel worse about myself. It was a really bad sex. I was drunk. It made me feel awful and guilty.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Feeling sexy by making out on a pool table in public. Knowing I could pick up a guy so quickly and easily.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The sex. The guilt. The shame. The depression.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general?  Confused me. It made me realize I could not substitute people as partners when I wanted someone else. But it also made me wonder how people could have casual sex. I wanted to be able to possibly have casual sex, but after this experience, it put me off that for a very long time.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup?  No, it was just a dumb thing I did is a grad student. If I had had a different upbringing, not been trying to make myself feel better about myself this way, and not been interested in someone else, maybe I would’ve been able to have enjoyable casual sex.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard?  I still don’t really think it’s a good idea most of the time, but I have no objections or judgments about people who do it. I’m a bit jealous. I would like to be more experimental now, but I’m married. As far as society goes, I think too many young people are doing this just because it’s in, and that’s not right. I think that you have to be in the right frame of mind and not doing it for the wrong reason. Then it can be healthy and expression of mutual enjoyment.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It is interesting and I am happy to participate.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!