What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 29
What’s your race/ethnicity? East Asian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Palo Alto, California, United States
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Physician
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 10
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
How long ago did this hookup happen? in 2012
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand
How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Tall, Jewish, my type-ish. I spotted him when I was walking down the stairs of my hostel, being herded out on a pub crawl. Small talk. He was in the same profession and professional stage as I was, also backpacking in a Mediterranean country off-season. Didn’t take that long to figure our that we were two hyper-achieving yuppie globetrotter-wannabes with high-power, busy, single lives in that monastic institution known as medical training.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We hung out during the pub crawl. I was there with two female friends considerably less flirty than I was. I had not had sex with anyone other than my first boyfriend at that point. It was Valentine’s Day and the break up took place exactly a year before, my first serious breakup and heartbreaking, though I was on the delivering end. I was as much motivated by “to get over someone you have to get under someone else” as I was by the prospect of having a no-strings-attached fling in a romantic exotic locale with a stranger who was nonetheless familiar and safe.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We had some wine and danced to Latin music at the bar. At some point he began holding me closer and calling me pretty. Before long we were, in the words of my friends who borne reluctant witness, “making out pretty intensely”. He kissed me in a way that was familiar–I guess Midwestern/Southern boys tend to kiss the same? It wasn’t long before we headed back to his hostel, a beautiful walk across a beautiful bridge.
He went to the restroom first, perhaps to grab a condom? I took the pantyhose off from underneath my dress and stood somewhat awkwardly by the bed. It was a hostel dorm–but thankfully no one else was there. He came out and told me to “come over”. I started off on top, then switched. It didn’t last too long, as it was already 4AM and we had an early morning bus to catch.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Earlier that night (before we had even started flirting), he had already agreed to join us in traveling to a neighboring city the next day. So we fucked, snoozed for an hour, and set out together to catch the bus. We traveled together for the next two days. At one point I gave him a blowjob on the top of a patio but we had no more physical contact.
In the first few days to weeks I was somewhat excited (“I’d done it!”) and confused (“so are we supposed to stay in touch?”). My friend was slightly upset over our hooking up and then traveling together–this took some heart-to-heart later that trip to resolve. After returning to the US we exchanged one or two emails perhaps and became Facebook friends, but have not seen each other since nor made any attempts to reach out. For a few months after the trip I did furtively hope for some kind of connection, more driven by loneliness than actual attachment, for those sentiments went away soon as I started dating someone else.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Learning new things, experimenting, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up
How intoxicated were you? A little tipsy/high
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Locale. Familiarity. Heck, I’d say that we both handled it quite “professionally”.
See below on the more emotional/philosophical ramifications.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? He had to finish himself off. I blame it on the alcohol, but maybe I wasn’t that great in bed. I gave him head the next day to make up for it.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I still think on it fondly as an interlude of some significance in my life. Sleeping with a second man felt like losing virginity a second time: I was with my first boyfriend for two years and quite close to engagement; the idea that I could have sex with another person was radical. That it happened in a manner I considered rather safe and tame, but just adventurous and unconventional enough to be a little exciting, was quite a bonus. I am also grateful for the fact that we didn’t try to stay in touch and try to make it more than it was.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? The overwhelming narrative of casual sex still appears to be:
1) it’s something for people with crazy high sex drives and commit phobia
2) it’s worthwhile only if you are person 1 or if it leads to something like long-term commitment
3) or else, you’re going to end up hurt and burnt
I don’t quite buy these as a result of my experience. Like any activity, it is what you make of it. In my mind it should be like ballroom dancing. You decide whether you want to learn ballroom dancing and what you want to take out of it. If you like it you keep on doing it. If you don’t like it or can’t find a good partner or if other things in life get in the way, you may opt to stop doing it. No one judges anyone on whether they do ballroom dancing. Why should anyone judge anyone on whether they do casual sex, provided that it’s done in a consensual, respectful and safe (condoms condoms condoms!!!) manner?
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Good idea. Excited to see the results.
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